Guess this is kinda full circle.. last time I posted here I was suicidal and depressed because of my mental illnesses (sp?), crappy living conditions and generally worthless life.. I talked to some people, read others stories and it helped me a lot. Things got worse for me at the time and I stopped posting over a year ago but I remembered this forum and really tried to make a go of things. I moved out of the 'dingy shack' I was living in, more because of being kicked out of it than any motivation on my part, but it was a move forward still, got a nice little place in the bush. Living in the bush has been a dream of mine since I was little. Got another cat, another big deal for me, I missed a cat's companionship so much. Finally found a psychiatrist AND a psychologist willing to help me, both awesome people who were kind and understanding. Got a part time job with my dad and bought a car, worked hard to keep appointments and get myself out of the house instead of locking myself away. Made sure my bills were paid on time and even started eating stuff other than cheap takeaway. Wasn't all perfect, spent a few months on and off the past year in hospital, had more shock treatments, went through medication after medication trying to control my APD, DID and schizophrenia. The voices and blackouts got worse, I found myself retreating more and more into my own little reality. Then a few months ago my psychiatrist decided to try me on a new drug, clozapine. Because of the adverse side effects I had to spend a week in hospital again getting tested, then weekly blood tests, ultra sounds of my heart, ECG's, etc. It was amazing, after only a few weeks my thinking cleared, the voices quietened down, I felt.. almost normal, stopped losing track of time and started planning for the future, something I haven't done in over 10 years. Then about a month ago I had a heart attack, the doctors all agreed it was a side effect from the drug as I had checked out fine prior to being put on the medication. The only drug thats helped me, ever, and my own body betrayed me. I begged the doctors to keep me on it, told them I'd sign anything, that the risk of having another heart attack was a price I was willing to pay just to have a normal life again. But they wouldn't take the risk. This past month has turned into hell for me, they put me back on my old drugs which are about as effective as taking candy for a headache, to top it all off I got hit with 2 huge bills, 1 of them an insurance company taking me to court to pay for an accident from 4 years ago when some idiot ran into the side of my vehicle, seems he went to them and told them it was my fault after giving me false details on the scene. My dad informed me theres absolutely no work for me for at least another 4 months so I have so little income I can't pay for either of them and my landlord turned up last week to let me know I've been here for a year now and he wants my home back for a guy who works for him, so basically I'm being evicted. So homeless, out of work, in debt and so crazy the only way for them to give me a bit of peace is to stick electrodes to my head and flick a switch. I don't want to go back into hospital again, or fight my way out of another mess, I'm so tired of fighting, of trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over. All I can think of lately is ending it, I even have a plan and date, and honestly nothing to keep me here. Last tiime I was on these forums I said I have my dad and little sister to keep me around.. but since I moved into this house they've become more distant from me, barely even see my dad anymore unless I have enough petrol in the car to drive for an hour to go visit. I'm sorry for going on for so long, but I feel so alone in the world, I try to talk to my psychologist about all this and she just starts talking about plans to fix things. But I CAN'T anymore, all my life has been about fixing things, whether it be the messes my mental ilness has caused, or my own stupidity, or malice on other peoples part. I'm 35 years old, I'm alone, have no friends, no job, soon no home and practically no family who want anything to do with me. Sorry again that I've gone on so long.. guess I just really need to get all this off my chest with someone, my shrink and my psychologist just tell me its all gonna work out and be puppies and kittens and I'm so tired of listening to them say that. I just want to die, and even if it sounds contradictory I pray to every god in human history that it ends there, with blackness, silence and no more pain.