Back again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kemra, Sep 2, 2010.

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  1. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Guess this is kinda full circle.. last time I posted here I was suicidal and depressed because of my mental illnesses (sp?), crappy living conditions and generally worthless life.. I talked to some people, read others stories and it helped me a lot. Things got worse for me at the time and I stopped posting over a year ago but I remembered this forum and really tried to make a go of things.

    I moved out of the 'dingy shack' I was living in, more because of being kicked out of it than any motivation on my part, but it was a move forward still, got a nice little place in the bush. Living in the bush has been a dream of mine since I was little. Got another cat, another big deal for me, I missed a cat's companionship so much. Finally found a psychiatrist AND a psychologist willing to help me, both awesome people who were kind and understanding. Got a part time job with my dad and bought a car, worked hard to keep appointments and get myself out of the house instead of locking myself away. Made sure my bills were paid on time and even started eating stuff other than cheap takeaway.

    Wasn't all perfect, spent a few months on and off the past year in hospital, had more shock treatments, went through medication after medication trying to control my APD, DID and schizophrenia. The voices and blackouts got worse, I found myself retreating more and more into my own little reality. Then a few months ago my psychiatrist decided to try me on a new drug, clozapine. Because of the adverse side effects I had to spend a week in hospital again getting tested, then weekly blood tests, ultra sounds of my heart, ECG's, etc. It was amazing, after only a few weeks my thinking cleared, the voices quietened down, I felt.. almost normal, stopped losing track of time and started planning for the future, something I haven't done in over 10 years.

    Then about a month ago I had a heart attack, the doctors all agreed it was a side effect from the drug as I had checked out fine prior to being put on the medication. The only drug thats helped me, ever, and my own body betrayed me. I begged the doctors to keep me on it, told them I'd sign anything, that the risk of having another heart attack was a price I was willing to pay just to have a normal life again. But they wouldn't take the risk.

    This past month has turned into hell for me, they put me back on my old drugs which are about as effective as taking candy for a headache, to top it all off I got hit with 2 huge bills, 1 of them an insurance company taking me to court to pay for an accident from 4 years ago when some idiot ran into the side of my vehicle, seems he went to them and told them it was my fault after giving me false details on the scene. My dad informed me theres absolutely no work for me for at least another 4 months so I have so little income I can't pay for either of them and my landlord turned up last week to let me know I've been here for a year now and he wants my home back for a guy who works for him, so basically I'm being evicted.

    So homeless, out of work, in debt and so crazy the only way for them to give me a bit of peace is to stick electrodes to my head and flick a switch.

    I don't want to go back into hospital again, or fight my way out of another mess, I'm so tired of fighting, of trying to pick up the pieces of my life and start over. All I can think of lately is ending it, I even have a plan and date, and honestly nothing to keep me here. Last tiime I was on these forums I said I have my dad and little sister to keep me around.. but since I moved into this house they've become more distant from me, barely even see my dad anymore unless I have enough petrol in the car to drive for an hour to go visit. I'm sorry for going on for so long, but I feel so alone in the world, I try to talk to my psychologist about all this and she just starts talking about plans to fix things. But I CAN'T anymore, all my life has been about fixing things, whether it be the messes my mental ilness has caused, or my own stupidity, or malice on other peoples part. I'm 35 years old, I'm alone, have no friends, no job, soon no home and practically no family who want anything to do with me.

    Sorry again that I've gone on so long.. guess I just really need to get all this off my chest with someone, my shrink and my psychologist just tell me its all gonna work out and be puppies and kittens and I'm so tired of listening to them say that. I just want to die, and even if it sounds contradictory I pray to every god in human history that it ends there, with blackness, silence and no more pain.
  2. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I guess all I can say is if you were able to pick up the pieces once you can do it again. Not that hearing that will be of any comfort. However, you can look at it this way, busying yourself makes time move faster. When life is good time seems to fly. Days turn to seconds, weeks into minutes, months into hours, years into days. Even if life is crashing down you can build it back up. That will take your mind off things.
  3. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Kemra, your father seems to still care for you. You can live with him for now. So you are not really homeless. In time you'll get a job again.

    You are one of the strongest persons around, considering what you have had to overcome in the past. Take one day at a time. Like Forgotten Man said, keep busy. Read, watch a good movie, get a hobby you enjoy, join a support group where you can meet fellow sufferers. Be around supportive people. Write a journal. Take walks in nature. Think pleasant thoughts.

    This may seem hard, but dwelling on your situation, you will get sadder.
    Stay with your father for now. And keep occupied.
  4. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your replies. Been sitting here for a couple hours, reading posts.. thinking, mainly about if its even worth it to try again. So many people do keep trying and end up fine, and theres a lot of nice people here who have gone through the question of whether or not to keep trying or just give up and now help others.

    I've been under psychiatric care on and off since I was 8 years old.. survived a mother with a mental illness of her own, have the scar to prove that was literally survived. For years I struggled with my own problems and even hid them from the people I cared most about in an attempt to have a normal life. Time after time I found my life destroyed by either my own hand, my illness, other people, bad luck and each time I picked up those pieces and put them back together again.

    Its what I did.. survived, I'm a survivor. And why did I keep fighting and putting those pieces back together? Certainly not my life.. I've been robbed a dozen times, stabbed by my own mother, beaten badly enough to be hospitalised 5 times by different people, once so badly my own aunt didn't recognise me (she was a nurse in the ER), lost everyone I've ever cared about, been cheated on by 3 girlfriends, 2 of them I was engaged to. My mental illness has progressed from something I could deal with to so debilitating I can't hold down a normal job, can't even leave the house unless medicated. I hear voices, black out and lose up to days of time, the past month I've been waking up with burns on my legs and honestly no idea how I got them. I have no friends, only 2 family members who even talk to me anymore and when I do talk to them I have to be careful not to even hint that I'm still as crazy as ever. Could keep going but I won't, suffice it to say life kinda sucks.

    I kept surviving because I didn't want to upset people I cared about by taking my own life, thats my only reason, thats why everytime my life broke I picked up those pieces no matter how much I just wanted to quit. Because suicide is selfish and cruel to those left behind, for the dead its over, for everyone else its something they have to live with for the rest of their lives.

    Now.. I can't do it anymore, I love my dad, and my sister, its going to crush them. But I don't have the strength anymore to pick those pieces up, busying my mind isn't gonna help me get through this, my mind is my own worst enemy. When you have so little control over your own mind that you go to sleep in one state and wake up in another with no idea how you got there, or can nearly starve you to death by keeping you locked in your own house for weeks unable to even open the door to go get groceries.. and i mean physically unable to walk over and open it.. then how do you even start at keeping that busy? Just for once I'm going to be a little selfish and cruel and hope that they can understand why I had to do it.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    In the end we can only survive till it kills us. However, there has to be another way for you to be selfish. There is always another way to be selfish. Maybe part of the reason picking up the pieces is so hard is because you do It for others. You should do it for yourself.

    I do not have a mental illness like you. However, I can say that fear is controlling you. I know it is scary to wake up and not know how you got somewhere. However, you cannot let that fear control you. You have to keep living everyday. Just go out, go get food. Go out and go to work. If you hear voices ignore them. You are aware that you hear them. Which is more than most people can say. Right now you are not in control. To be honest It does not sound like you try to take control. You lose control and you just let go. I know I cannot relate, however, if you let your illness control you then life will be miserable.

    One thing I can suggest if you want a house buy one when you can afford it. If not suck it up and live in an apartment. If your psychiatrist is not giving you new meds to try then find a new one. You said so yourself the meds you are on are like candy on a headache. Why bother taking those?

    All your current methods of living are not working it is time to try something new.
  6. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    God, I could have written every single word that you did. That is my life too. I am 37, almost 38 and I can't keep trying anymore, or keep trying to pick up the pieces. I just can't I am too damn tired. Anyways, I hope thing s get better for you. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your situation. I am right there with ya.
  7. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Thanks Lauru, I hope things get better for you as well, it is nice to meet someone who understands how tired you do get from it all.

    And your advice is appreciated forgotten_man.. though you don't understand its not about giving up control, or not wanting control, its about not having it. Like the voices.. its not like someone in the same room chatting away and you can just switch off and not hear them anymore, they're a part of you, inside your head. At first you can distract yourself, or overwhelm them with your own thoughts, then as the years go by it gets harder and harder, you get older, you get tired.

    Imagine if you can ignoring an annoying person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who follows you everywhere. But it dosen't stop after a week or 2.. you carry that person with you constantly for years and unlike a real person you can't gag it, you can't fight it, you can't run away. Now imagine not one but several...

    Then theres not being able to leave the house.. you can't, for most people its about getting up, walking to the door and opening it.. I get halfway there and its like something else takes control. Its like the voices, as you get older it gets harder and harder to fight, you just simply wear down, you get tired of spending an hour or even a day trying to convince yourself to simply get up and walk out that door.

    I've tried all sorts of methods to have a normal life.. always buying small bags of catfood cause i'd never let my cat go hungry to force myself to do supermarket shopping, music, cd players, tape players, then ipods to block out the constant din in my head. Getting people to watch me for signs of my blackouts or passing my bosses my car keys at the start of a work day so at least i won't wander far if working alone. Tried meditation, aromatherapies, group therapies, counselling, hypnotism, illegal drugs, alcohol, slapping myself in the face everytime I started to lose a grip (seriously). Desperate people try anything and everything.

    But it just kept getting worse and worse, my medications in higher dosages, combinations, types, just to give me enough control so I could walk out that door, or go out in public without bursting into a huge argument with myself. None of those medications came close to 'curing' me, even the ECT is only temporary, but they do stop me from starving to death. Yes, starving, I went 2 weeks once without food because I couldn't get out of my house, 2 weeks. The only medication that has worked, or rather started to work, was so laden with side effects my doctor called it a last resort.. and it gave me a heart attack. yet still I wanted it, I didn't care, I practically begged him to give it to me anyway because for the first time in years I didn't feel like shooting myself.

    Its not about giving up, or taking back control of my life, or trying harder, or 'letting' my mental illness control my life. A mental illness is no different to someone with any other disease, theres the ones with a cough, the ones with a limp, then theres the people in wheelchairs and others hooked up to life support. Theres nothing left new for me to try, and all my doctor can suggest is higher doses of meds that damn near make me a zombie now and more ECT.

    Sorry for the rant.. but so many people just don't understand, people with mental illness haven't given up and are letting it control them, most of us fight it to the bitter end, are getting help, are trying everything we can to have a normal, happy life. I've fought mine my entire life.. succeeded for many of those years, worked, had friends, paid my bills and taxes, had family... but I lost it all, mostly because it just got harder and harder to do and my illness played a large part in taking it all away from me.

    Now.. I'm just so tired of fighting, theres nothing left to cling to, I barely even feel like part of the human race anymore. All i can think is 'another 30 or 40 more years of this?'.. men in my family don't die young. 30 or 40 years.. and each gets worse than the last, and who will I have left when my dad dies and my lil sis gets married and gets worried about having the weird big brother around the kids? I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm way past that.. I'm terrified of having to live another 30 or 40 years of this, of what I'll eventually become, of what will happen to me when I lose that last piece of self in the din.
  8. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Kemra, I understand how hard it is. I want to let you know I am here and listening. When life gets so hard and it's next to impossible, all that is left to us is to accept our lives with GRACE. If there is obstacles at every door, every venue, every effort, then if those things cannot change, the only choice we have left to us is acceptance and grace. And sometimes, good things happen along the way, to keep us going. You do have it bad. It's hard to say something to help when I know how difficult it is.
    Acceptance and Grace, will give you a chance to relax and enjoy what good you have in your life. it will give you a certain dignity, that will make others admire you.
    Don't compare yourself with others, it will only make things worse.
    Remember all your victories, how many times you have rebuilt, how many times you have risen again in the ring after being knocked out the zillionth time.
    You are a hero in my eyes, and I am sure to many folks on here.:hugtackles:
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Be sure to eat properly Kemra. Going weeks without food is dangerous. Also, those 'voices' sound very mean and nasty. Don't listen to them and try to block them out of your mind.
  10. Kemra

    Kemra Well-Known Member

    Thanks flowingriver and Dave. Don't feel like much of a hero atm though.. trying so hard to pull myself back up a little bit but I just keep sinking further into this depression. Spent the last few days trying to do things I used to enjoy.. thinking constantly about my dad and sister and my beautiful little kitten and whats going to happen to them if I die. Trying hard to hold on till at least tuesday when i have an appointment with a disability employment agency, maybe they can help me find a steadier job which would at least give me something to hold onto. My psychologist isn't hopeful though, they deal with physical disabilities mostly and may turn me down as an applicant.

    Wish I could block out the voices.. or even get back the nicer one that used to help me deal with the others, barely slept for dunno how long now, maybe my psychologist is right, maybe I should go to the hospital and get back in the psych ward... just don't know if I could handle being locked up for a couple of months getting more ECT and letting my life out in the real world slip further into the pit. Too bad they don't have the old asylums anymore.. could just dissapear into one of those. Forgotten man is wrong, i never gave up, but i want to give up now, so tired of fighting.
  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    It's good that you are going to try for employment Tuesday. I hope you get something.
    If things get bad, maybe you could check yourself into a crisis unit, and get hospitalized, while you rest and recoup your strength for another go at life.
    Once again, I give you my support.:hugtackles:
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