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Back Again

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Lexicon

Well-Known Member
#1
Hello

Didn't expect to be back yet. I have an eating disorder, depression and potentially another mental disorder (potentially bpd given my black and white reasoning for all of existence), they cba to diagnose so hey, I'm not getting help for it.

I'm also having a sexuality crisis. Again. The girl I loved is dead, and I can't even let myself feel because it kills me every time. I still don't know what I am, who I am, my own identity is gone and swallowed in an eating disorder and depression that engulfs everything.

It isn't a crisis, it's an underlying moan, throb, of suicidality. I don't want to be here, but I'm so empty. I can't try and fail to die again, I mean really, I've tried enough times to no avail. I'm subtle, my self-harming is almost unnoticable, my bulimia is known to nobody, I'm on my own. Only I don't know who "my own" is.

Haven't felt this dissociated in a while. I'm writing without feeling, knowing it hurts to feel this but not actually accessing the emotion. I'm beyond numb, I'm not even here. I wonder when, or if, this will impact. If I'll even remember posting in a few hours. I tend to forget when I'm on here, it just vanishes from my head. I don't know.

I'm confused. And I don't want this. Not any more, I'm just tired of going through this. Lex.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
I am glad you are reaching out for help Lexicon It does help to know you are not alone okay We are here and we do care i care hugs to you okay
 

Lexicon

Well-Known Member
#3
Heya. Thanks for replying, and so fast. I really appriciate that you're here and talking to me. It's odd. I want to not have to go through this any more, but I don't want to die... only I do. Hell, I don't know. Hope you're ok. Lex.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#4
Oh i know how your are feeling ido. I don't want to have to keep fighting but i too know i cannot go away Just keep talking okay let whatever emotions come out here okay. I am dissociating so much now too sometimes i don't know who i am or even care you know how it is. It is good to see you here though because then i know you are not fighting this all alone I hope you still have a therapist to help your through all the confusion hugs to you
 
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