It's been a little while since I have been back here... I have been having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis usually several times a day. It's been going on like this for a while but usually I can repress it. Tonight just seems like I can't make it go away. I'm starting to run into my old patterns of thinking. I keep thinking about how everyone would get along fine without me. People might grieve a bit but that is inevitable. I still feel like it would be worth it for everyone in the long run. I feel really betrayed by the people that I love and I have no way of communicating it to them. No one ever wants or allows me to discuss my feelings. All the awful things are starting to come back up and I have started binge eating and cutting myself. Yesterday was pretty bad. I ended up leaving these huge gashes in my legs. I really didn't think that it was that bad when I initially cut but I looked down and realized there was a huge pool of blood on the floor. I didn't know what to do since I really wasn't trying to kill myself, just take my mind off the pain. I crawled into the bath tub and passed out. I woke up a while later and had to bandage my legs up a lot. I was still really upset so I took a few Lorezapam to help me sleep. I'm still looking at these gashes and I really think I need to go to the hospital to get them stitched up. If I go to the hospital though, that means they will put me inpatient and I HATE going there. It only makes things worse and no good comes from it. I haven't seen my counselor since the end of September. I missed one appointment and then I wasn't able to go to my others because I was so nervous about having missed that first one. That's the end of my rant/bitching/whatever you want to call it. I'm just sitting here looking at my bottle of Lorezapam and I know I have at least a bottle of wine here. Vodka possibly, but definitely wine. I guess I thought coming here first would be a good idea.