Back again...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lollirot, Nov 27, 2011.

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  1. Lollirot

    Lollirot Member

    It's been a little while since I have been back here... I have been having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis usually several times a day. It's been going on like this for a while but usually I can repress it. Tonight just seems like I can't make it go away. I'm starting to run into my old patterns of thinking. I keep thinking about how everyone would get along fine without me. People might grieve a bit but that is inevitable. I still feel like it would be worth it for everyone in the long run.

    I feel really betrayed by the people that I love and I have no way of communicating it to them. No one ever wants or allows me to discuss my feelings. All the awful things are starting to come back up and I have started binge eating and cutting myself. Yesterday was pretty bad. I ended up leaving these huge gashes in my legs. I really didn't think that it was that bad when I initially cut but I looked down and realized there was a huge pool of blood on the floor. I didn't know what to do since I really wasn't trying to kill myself, just take my mind off the pain. I crawled into the bath tub and passed out. I woke up a while later and had to bandage my legs up a lot. I was still really upset so I took a few Lorezapam to help me sleep. I'm still looking at these gashes and I really think I need to go to the hospital to get them stitched up. If I go to the hospital though, that means they will put me inpatient and I HATE going there. It only makes things worse and no good comes from it.

    I haven't seen my counselor since the end of September. I missed one appointment and then I wasn't able to go to my others because I was so nervous about having missed that first one.

    That's the end of my rant/bitching/whatever you want to call it. I'm just sitting here looking at my bottle of Lorezapam and I know I have at least a bottle of wine here. Vodka possibly, but definitely wine. I guess I thought coming here first would be a good idea.
  2. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    If I were you, I'd live for the booze :cazza:
    Anyway, your best bet is to see your counselor (in my opinion).
    Also, you gotta take care of those legs if anything.

    And regarding suicide, life is a sine wave. Take care until things become positive again.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm glad you're here.
    I agree you should get your cuts checked.

    Have you called your counselor? He/she might be more understanding than you expect.

    How did you get rid of your negative feelings before?
  4. SmolderingIce

    SmolderingIce Well-Known Member

    Think about the long term..
    Those cuts need to be treated, and you'll get out of there soon enough.

    There are billions of people in the world. The people you know now don't have to be the only ones.. Go out and meet new people; ones who may be more supportive, and who are in need of support themselves. Get involved. It might make you feel happier, knowing you're part of something bigger.
  5. Lollirot

    Lollirot Member

    Thank you everyone for the kind words. I feel that I want out because I am a burden on people. Despite having parents who are not supportive (Neither believe depression exists) I do have a supportive girlfriend. It's just there have been issues in the past that always come up and always come back to me on a daily basis, usually several times a day. I can't get these things out of my mind unless I drink myself stupid or start over medicating myself. The worst part is when I am at work and can't take the alcohol or drugs that keep me from thinking those thoughts. I work overnights so I can't really "unwind" at night and drinking in the morning seems too weird even though that is technically my "evening". I try to see a therapist but I just end up missing one session and never going back. It's awful because the last one seemed to really get me (she dealt with Bi-Polar disorder AND Borderline Personality disorder) borderline really seems to put off a lot of counselors that I have seen.

    I love the people in my life, but I do feel like I need to meet some more people and build a support structure so that I don't put all of my troubles on my girlfriend. I'm moving to a very nice apartment soon that is twice as big as my current one and seems to have no negative energy. I know it sounds stupid but sometimes I really feel that this place brings me down. A lot of negative things have happened here even before I moved out, and my neighbor seems to attempt to destroy my relationship constantly. One of the issues that has often come back up

    TMI for some people so skip this part if you want to

    is we can't really have sex. My girlfriend had a hysterectomy and has had some complications from it. She used to have a very high sex drive and now it is just gone. She really doesn't want to fix the problem either because she is afraid that she might have to have surgery which would damage something and we could never have sex again. Problem is either way it is an issue. Everything else is perfect so I try to cope, but it can be very difficult sometimes.

    End TMI

    I've decided not to swallow the rest of my pills and I downed the bottle of vodka. I'm not going to buy another one and am going to stick to wine because I don't trust myself with pills and vodka. I'm taking care of the cuts. I went to my doctor and told him the situation. He is going to help me get a new medication. I made him promise me that he wouldn't have me admitted and I think he is going to keep his promise. I trust him. Perhaps this new medication will work, but I feel that it still isn't going to get these thoughts out of my head. The worst part is that I seem to feel other peoples thoughts a lot too. I constantly feel others peoples pain and I don't know how to get rid of that either = /.

    Thank you for the kind words and taking the time to read this. I always end up coming here because I know that at least one person will care and be there to support me.
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