Yea, I'm new to the forums. Though I have read many of the posts in the suicide section which seems to make me feel better since I know others feel the exact same way. You see, I'm a 19 year old guy in his first year of college. A 19 year old guy who has been depressed off and on since the 5th grade. It was never something I EVER talked to anyone about until this past year when I made slight hints that something was wrong. I feel like writing it helps allot sometimes, since that's what I do when the pressure gets to be too much. I fantasize about suicide like many people on these forums surely do and during the last year of my life I had actually attempted to OD on some lorazepam but fell just short of the mark. I told my friends but.. they never comforted me, not a word. They were too wrapped in their own problems... I am indeed a virgin and have never even kissed a girl before. At 19 wtf is wrong with me? From what I am told I am a pretty goodlooking guy so I guess I am just that fucked up mentally. I have some pretty deep-seated feelings for a girl who is going out with my best friend. They broke up for 3 months and just when I thought she might be into me a little she runs up and kisses my bestfriend and I stood there in shock. No one told me... No one ever tells me anything. I feel like I am neglected, just here to amuse my friends till someone more fun comes along. All my friends are gone to college or MIA.... And everytime I try to go out with Mattie and Steve (their names), I feel like I have been stabbed with a knife. I see them holding hands and kissing in front of me and I don't want to say anything but it feels like it would be fine to get hit by a car just then. I stayed in bed or watched TV all day today and then went out at 11 sat on the bench and watched the sky. I can't get it out of my mind. I have no friends left, no one to love me, and I can't say that my future will be clear or easy because I know I am not smart or strong enough to get through it by myself. In other words, I wish I were dead. SO WHAT DO I DO TO FEEL HAPPY AGAIN?!