Back And Forth

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Vicarious, Apr 18, 2007.

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  1. Vicarious

    Vicarious New Member

    Yea, I'm new to the forums. Though I have read many of the posts in the suicide section which seems to make me feel better since I know others feel the exact same way. You see, I'm a 19 year old guy in his first year of college. A 19 year old guy who has been depressed off and on since the 5th grade. It was never something I EVER talked to anyone about until this past year when I made slight hints that something was wrong. I feel like writing it helps allot sometimes, since that's what I do when the pressure gets to be too much. I fantasize about suicide like many people on these forums surely do and during the last year of my life I had actually attempted to OD on some lorazepam but fell just short of the mark. I told my friends but.. they never comforted me, not a word. They were too wrapped in their own problems... I am indeed a virgin and have never even kissed a girl before. At 19 wtf is wrong with me? From what I am told I am a pretty goodlooking guy so I guess I am just that fucked up mentally. I have some pretty deep-seated feelings for a girl who is going out with my best friend. They broke up for 3 months and just when I thought she might be into me a little she runs up and kisses my bestfriend and I stood there in shock. No one told me... No one ever tells me anything. I feel like I am neglected, just here to amuse my friends till someone more fun comes along. All my friends are gone to college or MIA.... And everytime I try to go out with Mattie and Steve (their names), I feel like I have been stabbed with a knife. I see them holding hands and kissing in front of me and I don't want to say anything but it feels like it would be fine to get hit by a car just then. I stayed in bed or watched TV all day today and then went out at 11 sat on the bench and watched the sky. I can't get it out of my mind. I have no friends left, no one to love me, and I can't say that my future will be clear or easy because I know I am not smart or strong enough to get through it by myself. In other words, I wish I were dead. SO WHAT DO I DO TO FEEL HAPPY AGAIN?!
  2. Flight

    Flight Well-Known Member

    19? You are younger than you feel, I'm sure. Believe the people who tell you that you are good looking. There are 3 billion women out there with 3 billion different personal tastes in men. One woman's "friend material" is another's "the one." Love will find you if you are open to it, just take your time.

    Unrequited love, as you feel for this girl... it hurts like a bitch, I know. But I don't believe in soul mates. She might have been a great match for you, but she is not the only-one-that-ever-could-have-been. Not in years to come.

    Even if things *right now* seem to be pulling you away from your friends, remember that your friendship can survive it so long as you don't let each other slip away.

    Ask Steve if you can hang out with him away from Mattie once in a while. Just the two of you, or you and other guy friends. I don't know how comfortable you would be bringing up that you have feelings for her, but I can't see that doing anything other than making him and you feel awkward about it. But he is still your friend. Tell him that the two of them together makes you feel very uncomfortable (which is the truth) and you two can probably compromise something. Less public displays of affection at least!

    It sounds like you may want to speak to a doctor or a therapist about your suicidal thoughts. They are something that should be handled very seriously, and they might be able to help you with either medication, or just some friendly listening. And of course, these forums are full of friendly listeners who have much in common with you.

    We aren't alone, so hang in there and take care of yourself.
    As far as love goes, there is always, always, always hope!

    If you want to talk more, send me a PM. (But I'm new and haven't completely figured it all out yet myself, so have patience with me)
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Welcome to the site, sorry you had to find us under these conditions but I hope we can help you feel at ease and a little at home so to speak.

    People are such social creatures, even if they're the type to sit down and stare at the sky and just sit in awe of it all. Relationships are important to us all, especially when we are young and it must be hard being attractive yet be companionless.

    Sure, many people have what seems like everything they need for a good life but unless we are really happy having those things then they provide little comfort indeed.

    What I'm trying to say in a round about fashion is maybe deep down, for whatever reason, you're looking for something more than just ordinary, it's a noble thing to set yourself aside for the right person but the pain it can cause when we are lonely can be terrible.
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