Well, I guess I'm back here. The last post I made was well over a year ago and basically the main responses I got made me beyond uncomfortable in the SF community. I'm sure I could've reacted more gracefully but when the resounding response was "Go see a doctor" when my life was, and still is, a never ending cycle of hospital visits, doctors, specialist, medications, monitors, and tests there is nothing more frustrating than people who think that kind of comment is worth saying. Really, the one thing most everyone comes here for is a sense that we aren't alone or invisible, and a safe place to just pour out everything that makes life unbearable, and having been desperate for some sort of comfort and getting the exact opposite just made me hate this place. I guess I'm back because of how helpless I feel on a day-to-day basis. That, and I'm quickly approaching the fifth anniversary of when my chronic illness completely derailed my life. Which really doesn't help with coping with the depression. My neurologist asked me if I wanted to see a counselor about it, but honestly unless they have a chronically ill one, I doubt they'd be able to understand me. It's so taxing, chronic pain. Both physically and emotionally. It's a lonely place, and unless you have a chronic illness and are in pain every second of every day, you really have no perception about how it feels. So it's difficult to find people who can actually acknowledge the sheer amount of effort that goes in to every single thing (like showers, stairs, eating, sleeping, school, work, thinking) because depression makes you resist taking care of yourself and chronic illness robs you of the ability to and the only people who know what it's like are too busy struggling their way through their own daily routines too. So I have to accept that some days I have to lay on the floor alone and wait for someone to come home and find me and it is a lonely existence. Not to mention that I haven't been able to find an anti-depressant that properly helps (though I've tried a dozen by now). It takes virtually nothing to make me either shut down completely or just start crying and I never was like that before. Everything is triggering now, I have more scars from the past year than from my entire life preceding it. And I keep telling myself that I should be grateful I can feel anything at all instead of just being numb but what good is it to feel when all you can feel is pain and sadness? I really don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Or if these are even coherent thoughts.