Ok, so I made a post here a while ago, when I was in a much more desperate place, close to the brink of insanity (I think at least) and full on suicide. I'll start off with information about me, how I'm feeling. I'm 22 years old. I live in San Diego, CA. I'm an IT Administrator, and now becoming a somewhat high profile software engineer at an up and coming company. I have a girlfriend, whom I've been with for nearly 6 years now. It's been bumpy, and that's all my fault, but we're still going at it. And with any shred of hope I have, it continues to go on. I have a little brother who just got his first job at Quiznos (I'm so proud). My mother suffers from chronic manic depression to the point she can't even walk at times (after having become a budhist however she seems much better), and chronic bi-polar disorder. My father suffered from chronic migraines, alcohol, and drug abuse, was an admitted cleptomanic, womanizer and beater, however I still find a spot in my heart for him. I however, don't suffer from all of that at once. But I'm not where I should be. When I get down now, I get really really really down. My self esteem is minimal, people cannot praise me without my bursting into tears instantly almost at times. Wtf is with that? Sometimes just reading peoples posts on here, and you guys says "I care don't hurt your self" I can't help it, it's the quickest cry I've ever experienced. It's ridiculous. But my darkest secret is my suicidal tendency. I have so much guilt, and shame, and hatred, pain, and murderous rage inside of me. I was raped and molested for several years by an older friend of mine, forced to do things I don't want to speak of, and had things done to me, no 10 year old should ever have to experience,no one to tell, no one that would listen, fear, and dispair.... which has really fucked me up. I look at transexual porn now, I can't fucking explain it. I feel like a freak, my girlfriend gawks, and seems disgusted when she goes through my things and finds it. I can't help it, wtf is that.... a doctor online told me it was absolutely normal, that milions upon millions of straight men like that, solely as a secret fetish (apparently all men have SOME fetish they want no one knowing about), and that is was probably in my case a direct result of my being molested. I love woman, and am straight, but the line is blurred very quickly with transexuals, seemingly beautiful woman, but with something that has haunted me since I was 10 years old. But I just can't help it. I hate that. I hate that about my self, and I disgust my self. Today my girlfriend confronted me on something she has every reason to. But I did nothing. Nothing this time (and I'm not an adultering asshole, I don't beat woman, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I have slips, slips many young men have, but mine are monumental in my own head, because I don't want them, I KNOW that's what I want, yet I still fuck it all up). I did nothing. But she was so angry, and all I could do in my head was scream "NNNOOOOO FFFUUUCCCCKKKK NOT AGAIN NOT THIS TIME IM REALLY TRYING NOW, PLEASE IM TRYING I DIDNT DO ANYTHING THIS TIME....I hate my self, and I want out of this ridiculous charade, I'm destined to fail, just fucking abort me now.. kkthnx." I feel like a failure. I feel like there's nothing notable about my self. Althought I have a huge heart, and i love every living thing on earth. If my worst enemy died, I'd show up and cry at their funeral because I actually inside loved them in someway. It's just who I am. I failed at being an EMT. I wanted more than anything to do that. I tell people, I used to be an EMT. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, when really inside, I'm only hurting, and wishing. I wanted more than anything in the entire world to help people. That's what I believe I was put here to do. I care about everyone, and everything, except my self. I wanted to be someone, anyones last sense of hope, someones saviour, someones angel. Instead, I'm generally the source of everyones mistrust, failures, hate, and scorn. That's what I've become and I hate it. My girlfriend spent the weekend away this previous weekend. And we've been amazing, happy, she came home, we had amazing sex (I know not important, but we spend long periods without sex, and I don't think it's really healthy to either of us since we both have very serious self image issues), everything is great. While she gone though, is what scares me. I found my self walking for close to 2 hours each night, around the block. I felt so utterly alone, and scared. Like a child without it's mother. I would lay in bed, and cry and cry and cry. I'd talk to her on the phone as if everything was ok, but deep down inside, I was terribly alone, and terribly afraid. I would zone out on the tv, I was up until 6-7 in the morning until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Waiting for her to call, yet trying to keep my distance so she could enjoy her girls out week. But if this is how I am when she's gone for a weekend, pathetic, and stupid, what happens if she leaves me one day? When I was laying in bed, I fell asleep, and had a dream I had killed my self by drinking whiskey and taking a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. And the dream focused mainly on what everyone had to say about me. And the more nice things that were said, the worse and worse I felt. I hate my self. I feel so very guilty about so many things. We broke up once, and I start seeing some girl I used to work with, who I'd previously flirted with online once, maybe twice (a moment of monumental, male weakness I'll never forgive my self for), and I felt disgusted. I hate it. I hated her, I resented her, I resented my self I hated it. There is no end to the guilt I feel for that. And I hate my self as more and more time passes. My loving, special, caring, girlfriend (and I'm not a sob, I'm not a moron, I know I sound young and stupid, but that's how I feel. I'm relatively intelligent, I'm relatively bright, very loving and caring, charismatic, and ever evolving), suffers from bulimia induced by traumatic mental family abuse. I feel helpless, powerless, and useless to stop it. I've cried alone on MULTIPLE occasions, and worry so much about her. I know when she does it, yet say nothing because I'm weak, and don't know what to do. I'm weak.... and don't know what to do. I want to save her, but I can't. I have so much guilt, and so much shame. So much self defeat. I'm tired of failing. I see suicide as a way to put my self away from everyone I've hurt. As something I can't fail at, that's not an option. I see it as something I can use to step away from this plain of existence, and give everyone the peace they deserve. I deserve nothing I have, and don't want it for that very reason. I've talked to my girlfriend about it, and bring it up at times that I feel require serious attention (a way of saying "please, I'm so serious about this, I'd rather be dead, THAT'S how serious I am") but she relays it back to me stating I'm putting her on a guilt trip, and I feel mocked, and she feels responsible for me. The few people I've talked to have told me that, that responsibility is not something you can reject, it's something that's put on you, and you better take care of it. But it's not her fault, she's no equipped to help me with my monumental suicidal issues. That's not something anyone is born with. Is there someone I can talk to on a one on one basis? I called some 800 number over the weekend, but could only say my name, and as soon as the operator said "we care about you, you're special and you just don't realize it", I teared up, hung up the phone, and literally smoked about a pack of cigarettes, and drank some beer to numb my self, and push it all way. What am I supposed to do. How I can I get rid of these feelings? I feel like so much therapy would be necessary, that I can't get through because I have so many dark feelings in me, that it would take years, and I just can't do it. I'm do broken. I cry too easily. I'm barely a man anymore. My girlfriend once told me that "weakness is the most unattractive thing a man can show" one time when I was talking to her about this. How can I not be like that? I want to have a happy, long life. Inside somewhere I'm capable of it. I want to protect and help her, my friends, my family. I want to learn what honor, honesty, and respect is. But, I don't know how much strength I have left in me. I can't continue to fail. I can't continue to let my self, and everyone else in my life down. This probably makes no sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. This is my perspective of the world as it stands, and I hate it. And in the usual route I take, which is shameless, back boneless, pitiful, and cowardly, there is an option that just seems so much easier. I always take the easy route. Because I'm really not worth the time or trouble. I'll only repeat the mistakes made before me, and only be judged by them, not by anything else. So honestly... what's the point anymore? If you feel you can help me, just by talking, please. Please do. firstname.lastname@example.org is my email address. I personally seem to connect better with woman, I have an issue with older men. For obvious reasons. I get very uncomfortable, but it doesn't even matter. I just want to talk to someone who won't, CAN'T, isn't going to judge me because I hurt them. Or because I'm a the person who was supposed to go the furthest, yet continues to procrastinate and walk a slow pace. I can't do it in person. I just can't. I wanted to be trusted. I want to be loved. I want to trust, and I want to love. It just may never happen again though, I can't live with the thought of that any longer. It's just not acceptable. Sorry it's so long. Thank you. I love you.