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Back at the bottom of my hole watching the light fade away.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Menekali, Jun 30, 2008.

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  1. Menekali

    Menekali Member

    Ok, so I made a post here a while ago, when I was in a much more desperate place, close to the brink of insanity (I think at least) and full on suicide.

    I'll start off with information about me, how I'm feeling. I'm 22 years old. I live in San Diego, CA. I'm an IT Administrator, and now becoming a somewhat high profile software engineer at an up and coming company. I have a girlfriend, whom I've been with for nearly 6 years now. It's been bumpy, and that's all my fault, but we're still going at it. And with any shred of hope I have, it continues to go on. I have a little brother who just got his first job at Quiznos (I'm so proud). My mother suffers from chronic manic depression to the point she can't even walk at times (after having become a budhist however she seems much better), and chronic bi-polar disorder. My father suffered from chronic migraines, alcohol, and drug abuse, was an admitted cleptomanic, womanizer and beater, however I still find a spot in my heart for him.

    I however, don't suffer from all of that at once. But I'm not where I should be. When I get down now, I get really really really down. My self esteem is minimal, people cannot praise me without my bursting into tears instantly almost at times. Wtf is with that? Sometimes just reading peoples posts on here, and you guys says "I care don't hurt your self" I can't help it, it's the quickest cry I've ever experienced. It's ridiculous.

    But my darkest secret is my suicidal tendency. I have so much guilt, and shame, and hatred, pain, and murderous rage inside of me. I was raped and molested for several years by an older friend of mine, forced to do things I don't want to speak of, and had things done to me, no 10 year old should ever have to experience,no one to tell, no one that would listen, fear, and dispair.... which has really fucked me up. I look at transexual porn now, I can't fucking explain it. I feel like a freak, my girlfriend gawks, and seems disgusted when she goes through my things and finds it. I can't help it, wtf is that.... a doctor online told me it was absolutely normal, that milions upon millions of straight men like that, solely as a secret fetish (apparently all men have SOME fetish they want no one knowing about), and that is was probably in my case a direct result of my being molested. I love woman, and am straight, but the line is blurred very quickly with transexuals, seemingly beautiful woman, but with something that has haunted me since I was 10 years old. But I just can't help it. I hate that. I hate that about my self, and I disgust my self.

    Today my girlfriend confronted me on something she has every reason to. But I did nothing. Nothing this time (and I'm not an adultering asshole, I don't beat woman, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I have slips, slips many young men have, but mine are monumental in my own head, because I don't want them, I KNOW that's what I want, yet I still fuck it all up). I did nothing. But she was so angry, and all I could do in my head was scream "NNNOOOOO FFFUUUCCCCKKKK NOT AGAIN NOT THIS TIME IM REALLY TRYING NOW, PLEASE IM TRYING I DIDNT DO ANYTHING THIS TIME....I hate my self, and I want out of this ridiculous charade, I'm destined to fail, just fucking abort me now.. kkthnx."

    I feel like a failure. I feel like there's nothing notable about my self. Althought I have a huge heart, and i love every living thing on earth. If my worst enemy died, I'd show up and cry at their funeral because I actually inside loved them in someway. It's just who I am. I failed at being an EMT. I wanted more than anything to do that. I tell people, I used to be an EMT. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, when really inside, I'm only hurting, and wishing. I wanted more than anything in the entire world to help people. That's what I believe I was put here to do. I care about everyone, and everything, except my self. I wanted to be someone, anyones last sense of hope, someones saviour, someones angel. Instead, I'm generally the source of everyones mistrust, failures, hate, and scorn. That's what I've become and I hate it.

    My girlfriend spent the weekend away this previous weekend. And we've been amazing, happy, she came home, we had amazing sex (I know not important, but we spend long periods without sex, and I don't think it's really healthy to either of us since we both have very serious self image issues), everything is great. While she gone though, is what scares me. I found my self walking for close to 2 hours each night, around the block. I felt so utterly alone, and scared. Like a child without it's mother. I would lay in bed, and cry and cry and cry. I'd talk to her on the phone as if everything was ok, but deep down inside, I was terribly alone, and terribly afraid. I would zone out on the tv, I was up until 6-7 in the morning until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Waiting for her to call, yet trying to keep my distance so she could enjoy her girls out week. But if this is how I am when she's gone for a weekend, pathetic, and stupid, what happens if she leaves me one day? When I was laying in bed, I fell asleep, and had a dream I had killed my self by drinking whiskey and taking a bottle of over the counter sleeping pills. And the dream focused mainly on what everyone had to say about me. And the more nice things that were said, the worse and worse I felt.

    I hate my self. I feel so very guilty about so many things. We broke up once, and I start seeing some girl I used to work with, who I'd previously flirted with online once, maybe twice (a moment of monumental, male weakness I'll never forgive my self for), and I felt disgusted. I hate it. I hated her, I resented her, I resented my self I hated it. There is no end to the guilt I feel for that. And I hate my self as more and more time passes. My loving, special, caring, girlfriend (and I'm not a sob, I'm not a moron, I know I sound young and stupid, but that's how I feel. I'm relatively intelligent, I'm relatively bright, very loving and caring, charismatic, and ever evolving), suffers from bulimia induced by traumatic mental family abuse. I feel helpless, powerless, and useless to stop it. I've cried alone on MULTIPLE occasions, and worry so much about her. I know when she does it, yet say nothing because I'm weak, and don't know what to do. I'm weak.... and don't know what to do. I want to save her, but I can't.

    I have so much guilt, and so much shame. So much self defeat. I'm tired of failing. I see suicide as a way to put my self away from everyone I've hurt. As something I can't fail at, that's not an option. I see it as something I can use to step away from this plain of existence, and give everyone the peace they deserve. I deserve nothing I have, and don't want it for that very reason. I've talked to my girlfriend about it, and bring it up at times that I feel require serious attention (a way of saying "please, I'm so serious about this, I'd rather be dead, THAT'S how serious I am") but she relays it back to me stating I'm putting her on a guilt trip, and I feel mocked, and she feels responsible for me. The few people I've talked to have told me that, that responsibility is not something you can reject, it's something that's put on you, and you better take care of it. But it's not her fault, she's no equipped to help me with my monumental suicidal issues. That's not something anyone is born with.

    Is there someone I can talk to on a one on one basis? I called some 800 number over the weekend, but could only say my name, and as soon as the operator said "we care about you, you're special and you just don't realize it", I teared up, hung up the phone, and literally smoked about a pack of cigarettes, and drank some beer to numb my self, and push it all way.

    What am I supposed to do. How I can I get rid of these feelings? I feel like so much therapy would be necessary, that I can't get through because I have so many dark feelings in me, that it would take years, and I just can't do it. I'm do broken. I cry too easily. I'm barely a man anymore. My girlfriend once told me that "weakness is the most unattractive thing a man can show" one time when I was talking to her about this. How can I not be like that? I want to have a happy, long life. Inside somewhere I'm capable of it. I want to protect and help her, my friends, my family. I want to learn what honor, honesty, and respect is. But, I don't know how much strength I have left in me. I can't continue to fail. I can't continue to let my self, and everyone else in my life down.

    This probably makes no sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me. This is my perspective of the world as it stands, and I hate it. And in the usual route I take, which is shameless, back boneless, pitiful, and cowardly, there is an option that just seems so much easier. I always take the easy route. Because I'm really not worth the time or trouble. I'll only repeat the mistakes made before me, and only be judged by them, not by anything else. So honestly... what's the point anymore?

    If you feel you can help me, just by talking, please. Please do. menekali@gmail.com is my email address. I personally seem to connect better with woman, I have an issue with older men. For obvious reasons. I get very uncomfortable, but it doesn't even matter. I just want to talk to someone who won't, CAN'T, isn't going to judge me because I hurt them. Or because I'm a the person who was supposed to go the furthest, yet continues to procrastinate and walk a slow pace. I can't do it in person. I just can't. I wanted to be trusted. I want to be loved. I want to trust, and I want to love. It just may never happen again though, I can't live with the thought of that any longer. It's just not acceptable.

    Sorry it's so long. Thank you. I love you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 30, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry to read about the abuse you experienced as a child. what a terrible thing that man did to you.

    have you ever been to therapy, or just did an online consultation? i ask because it might seem overwhelming at first, but the reality is you just work on a few things at at time. and slowly, as you start feeling better, you work on a few more. for instance, i was majorly suicidal when i first showed up to see my therapist. we had to get that feeling a little more under control so that we could start to talk about the abuse. our defenses are their for a reason. no therapist will rush you into dealing with the abuse until you are ready, and you will be ready when you are able to talk about it without the need to harm yourself.

    i am glad you found SF. there are many people here to listen, to help, to give advice. please lean on us when you need to. you can often find someone who has experienced something similar. me, i was also abused as a child and it has taken quite some time to begin the recovery process, but i'm glad i made that first phone call.

    you said about yourself that you have a huge heart. that's incredible, given how much you have been through. the guilt and shame can go away, with some work, and you won't always feel as despairing as you do right now. just keep an open heart and be willing to get some help. you are worth it.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    We all have our thoughts that aren't ment to be shared. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your girl friend. You have that little thing called trust. You need to have it to have a healthy relationship.
    Life really sucks now adays. It doesn't even come close to what I thought it would be. Sorry my mind keeps wandering because my puppy wants to play and keeps barking at me to get my attention.
    I have to relate with your father. I suffer from major migrane headaches. I have to go to the ER when they get that bad. They knock me out and give me something for the nausea. I use to do drugs pretty steady. I quit them about 15 years ago. alcohol I stopped drinking about 6 years ago. I have a couple of beers when I am at my brothers because he is an alcoholic my therapist said it shouldn't hurt to have a couple to be social.
    I hope being here at the forum that you will learn and understand that it is an illness to have depression. It also is possible to learn to live with it. Me personnaly I am still battling that one. well keep posting and you will find friends here that you can talk to without thinking there will repercutions. Good Luck!!!:chopper:!!!
  4. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Menekali.

    You carry enough pain for a dozen people. I know just what you are talking about when you say you have a lot of guilt, shame, self-hatred. I've had those same feelings all my life, but most strongly the past 6 years. I've been talking with a psychologist and a psychotherapist, and they've both been a great help to me.

    I've learned that I don't have to live with shame and guilt and all that garbage. I can feel better about myself, regardless of my painful past. It's helped bring down the suicidal desires - hasn't taken them away yet, but maybe that will come.

    I was an EMT for about five years in a small unit. It was interesting, but it can be traumatizing, going on DOA calls, calls where a kid fell off a cliff while he was hiking, abuse, lots of senior citizens - you never know what the next run will be. If you think you'd enjoy doing it, retake the test. I think a lot of people fail the first time around. It's a hard test. The written part was OK for me, but the practicals were hard because there were so many steps to remember. Try again.

    It shows from your post that you realize that a good job with good position isn't all there is to life. Maybe it helps to an extent, but it can't be the only answer to all our problems. I agree with Dazzle that having someone like a therapist to talk to can be a huge help. They're trained in how to help us with our crazy problems, and I think that anyone who goes into that kind of field must start out by being caring people. They may not come across at first as caring about you, but once you've gone through a few sessions, things loosen up and the work begins, and so do results. It's not a quick fix, for sure.

    Get some help. You're worth it.
  5. Issaccs

    Issaccs Well-Known Member

    Not to sound like a dick but

    Is there actually a differnce between Manic Depression and Bipolar Disorder?
    Are they not the same condition.
  6. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had to go through what that creep did to you. Your girlfriend is wrong about showing weakness. After all, you're considering her weaknesses too, and loving her anyway. There are many support groups out there for your issues. I urge you to seek them out. I'm a member of a couple, and believe me, they are a big help.
  7. learis

    learis Member

    Hello. It's funny that you said you wanted to be an EMT. I'm a 21 yo male and I'm an EMT. Guess what, I don't like it at all. I wanted to do it for the same reasons you did. I wanted to feel like I could be someone's hero. I thought that it would be a fulfilling job. Well, it turns out that it's very stressfull, and that most of the time you're just transporting rude people to and from places. I guess what I'm trying to say is not to worry about what you can and can't do, and don't worry about lost opportunities. You are who you are for a reason.

    Whenever I feel sad I usually turn to God. I can't seem to get through life on my own. I need God as a security blanket I guess. I just think to myself, that God knows absolutely everything that has happened to me and everyone. He knows all of the horrible pain we suffer. If that is the case, than we don't have to feel so alone with our pain, and we don't have to feel like things are hopeless. God will stand by us no matter what we do, no matter how bad we are. He will always be their to support us and help us grow in strength and wisdom. I know it's hard to see God in our lives, but it's the hope in Him that keeps me going. It couldn't hurt to pray to God for strength and comfort, and to tell Him about what you are going through. I believe he cares deeply for all of His creations, every single one of them.
  8. Menekali

    Menekali Member

    Thank you for all the kind words guys. I know my girlfriend was wrong about the weakness thing, but that's not her fault. Granted I was very hurt, I figure it's just not in her scope of knowledge to really understand how to process it. I can't put her to blame, and hope no one else does either. She's been great, and I love her. She's also probably one of my biggest failures as well. From together, to broken up, to engaged, to broken up, to being back together. All of that basically rides on my shoulders, and it's a very heavy weight to carry, and makes it harder and harder for me as things don't progress, or as things get worse. They're not bad, but things do come up, and my feelings of self doubt, and hatred are so strong at those points, that it's very very hard. I do deal with her weaknesses, I see them for what they are. Weakness. It's not her, it's her troubles, her past, her problems. I'd never leave her because of that. Even if it meant putting up with lies, cheating, stealing, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, anything. I'd put up with it because I love her, and I'll stand by her through anything. She's what keeps me going. I only hope everyone else in my life can find it in their hearts to feel and do the same, ya know? I may get to my wits end, I may make shallow threats and say things I don't mean, but I've never leave her, and I'd never abandon her. I've made mistakes, but I'm here to try and clear them, for my sake at this point. I'd eventually like to ask her to marry me once again, but, I don't deserve the answer I want. I don't deserve anything nice really. I destroy everything I'm involved in, ruin every relationship, and betray every loved one. Failure.

    I need to find a way to improve my self image, and get rid of my guilt, and shame. I just don't know how. I can't expect everyone I've done wrong to, to simply forget. It's not possible. But as long as it's there, I can't pick my self up to where I should be. I'm capable of so much more, but am crippled by fear, self doubt, and what ever else these feelings are. I feel responsible for her bulimia as well. Which is a deep pain. I don't know what to do about that.

    I've asked before, and people have told me to just run off. Get away from it all, start new. Try to be happy. I've thought of that. I've been close to making the call to insure it. But don't really want that.

    As time goes on, things just seem to get harder, and harder to process. I seem a lot happier on the outside. But in the inside I feel like there is this huge cloud, this cloud of my self, that's just eating, and tearing me apart. That cloud is made up of pretty much my entire life. I don't really know how else to explain it. But it's so difficult when you find your self standing in in line with a bottle of advil, shaking, and put it down. I feel like I have better sense than that, but my weaknesses also are very exploited by that idea.

    How does one make right with everyone? How does one forget everything, and just keep trying, keep trying to move forward. The only thing that my mind tells me, is a clean slate, or no slate at all. Like I said before, I can't go through life being untrusted forever. I've made my mistakes. I've made my bed and had to sleep in it multiple times. I've finally come to a point where I'm being open and honest about everything. But everyone is stands around, and thinks "yea right" or "what else is he keeping from us". How about the fact I fucking want to be dead. I think that should pretty much trump everything else should it not? Not as a means of martyrdom, or a means of escape, but more of a means of saying "I'm so god damn serious about this" or "I'm being so honest I'll put my life on it literally". I can't live my life untrusted. I'm a good person. I'm not bad. I've made mistakes. I'd really..... rather be dead than have no honor or integrity. It may be a tall order, but it's one I have to request.

    I also feel guilt for never speaking to my family. I don't know why. I love and adore my brother, but every time I think of him I either smile, or cry my eyes out, and I don't know why. I've failed him as well, and I'm supposed to be, and somewhat am his role model. If only he knew how I felt, and how sorry I am for being the way I am, and for neglecting, and never talking to him anymore. If I had the strength, and courage like a normal person, I'd do it. I have that appearance. But deep down inside, I'm weak, pathetic, and useless.

    I still have no idea how I'm going to get this all out of my head. My self image is shot, I have a million pounds of weight, and guilt hanging from my neck like some sort of noose, my confidence, and security, also abysmal. I mean, wtf are you able to do after that? What choices are left when you fear being alone like I do? And hate everything you've done, and the way you're treated, it's your own fault and there's no foreseeable way free from it?

    It's weird, one of my favorite bands is bad company. This one song (shooting star) comes out profoundly to me. Pretty specifically because of this part:

    I can't do any of this in public. This is my therapy. Getting it all out. I'm really really trying. I wish I could show everyone. But I can't. I'm not strong enough to do this alone. loneliness would ultimately be my demise at this point.

    Sorry if I ramble.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2008
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    You feel like your a failure but you have a girl friend you love, a good job and i'm sure a good family also. Despite the things that have happened both in the distant and recent past, the future is in your hands and you can write a good future for yourself.
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