Back at the edge

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Menchi, Nov 5, 2007.

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  1. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    This is going to be a long one folks...

    I first attempted suicide 6 years ago... i was young then (i guess im still young now), and really hated my life. I was being emotionally abused, and occasionally physically abused by my parents (well, my father)... i had self harmed alot too, leading up to it, as a way to get control over myself (if i caused myself more damage than anyone else, then i was still in control of my own life)...

    They never found out, and have never found out since... i guess thats another way of trying to keep control of a bit of life.

    I'm still living with my parents through necessity (im at university, and financially i cannot support myself while studying there)... things have got better somewhat as i've got older (i don't know whether its more that i've grown stronger, or just got used to the abuse).

    About 4 years ago, i broke up with the first girlfriend i ever had... it wasn't a good break up, there were problems with distance, and in the end she didn't want anything to do with me, and ended up dragging me along for months, before finally saying it was over.

    That was the next time i seriously tried to commit suicide...

    Since then things got better, i am now with someone else, and we are happy together, though both of us are very insecure in our relationship... which isn't good, but it does work... I'm doing averagely at university, finally after 3 years talking to a couple of people there (i have some social anxiety issues, thats why its taken me days to build up the courage to write this, but i know that now i do need to)... but right now im getting those same suicidal feelings that i had 4 years ago (i've had problems with self harm since then, and a couple of attempts, but not in earnest)... and i don't know why. Things are as good as someone like me could expect (i could list my personality flaws, but they would take up a good few dozen pads of paper)... but i can't get rid of those feelings now, and because i can't find a cause for them... i keep thinking should this be it. Is it just my life is as good as it can get, and its still hurting me, so maybe it would be better for me to just be free of it.
  2. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    I think that it is very frightening to feel suicidal and not know why. Nothing really bad has ever happened to me, yet I spend most of my time under a black cloud that saps away my confidence. What I cling to when I feel like that is that it must be a chemical imbalance in my brain and therefore something that can be treated. I am on two lots of medication now and I still get low - hence my visit here today - but on the whole, I can cope most of the time now. You don't mention if you've sought help. Is this a possibility for you? I was 36 before I plucked up the courage to tell someone how I was feeling and knowing that there are people out there who can help you may just be the turning point. I hope so!:rolleyes:
  3. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Its not really a possibility... the only places I've looked for help in the past couple of years have been online, but not often, and not for a while now. it is the only place that i can actually do it, without the situation here becoming out of control.

    And there isn't any help i can get till i am out of this situation. Once i have finished university, and can move out, then i might be able to... i will probably find many excuses not to still though... And i wouldn't go to a councilor at the university, because all they could tell me is what i already know.
  4. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    If you feel you can't tell anyone (and I completely understand why you might not want to or be able to), I hope that writing here will help you. It certainly helps me to know that there are other people out there. I wish that when I was at university this sort of thing was available!! I genuinely hope that you will feel better soon.
  5. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    Well my girlfriend knows about it, but that is it really.

    I could never let my family know, i would suffer far worse from them then.

    I just think it would be so much easier not to have to worry any more.
  6. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    I know. I can't tell you how often I feel like that. I've tried to end it all but I'm still here. And deep down I know that I need to keep fighting. I hope you can take some time out until you feel a bit better. That's what I'm trying to do at the moment.
  7. Menchi

    Menchi Well-Known Member

    I guess i just can't see why i should give it any more time.

  8. sunmeilan

    sunmeilan Member

    Don't be sorry. I can't take away your pain for you. No one can - that's a lesson I learned a long time ago. I really hope you do hold on.
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