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Back but in a bad way

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by itmahanh, Feb 13, 2011.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ive been gone for a while. Sorry to disappoint but still breathing. Almost wasnt several times since I left. But cant even get that right. Im in a very dark bad place. I used to tell others I dont want to die but rather I need to. Bullshit to that. I want to die. Only way to stop all the hurt and heartache and problems with my health thats in my face day after day. Those that hurt me get to walk away and do as they want. And I am supposed to just suck it up. No room left anymore. I cant suck it up. And the hurt wont stop. But hey Im not allowed to be angry or say things to let my anger out. Im not allowed to say anything negative to or about those that did the things they did to me. The harder I try to improve my health, the worse it gets. I cant battle my demons anymore so why would I think I could battle my health issues either? I dont belong anywhere. Im disposable. I'm feeling mean. Nasty. Angry. People, things are turning me into a complete bitch. I cant even bring myself to read other threads and offer help. What good am I here if I cant even do that?? Sorry but I cant see anything through the darkness anymore. What else would anyone expect me to be feeling or thinking. I want to die. God.........I want to die.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well I posted this over an hour ago. No one. But the urges are here with me, real and out of control. What other choice do I have? None that I see. They're here, and nobody else is.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome back hun :hug:

    Sorry things are so bad and I won't insult you with a pile of platitudes; sometimes life sucks bigtime!

    Just know at least here you can let it all out and be heard :hug:
  4. Kaos General

    Kaos General Well-Known Member

    Im here, sorry i missed it. Whats happened? Dont worry about replying to peoples threads, at the end of the day you need help just as much as everyone else on here. Why was you gone for so long? Maybe next time try and reach out to someone before it reaches this point? The good thing is though you are still here so it still means your fighting :)
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Another welcome back and glad you decided to share with us...you have the right to feel as you do and do not have to pretend...it is so enraging to not feel better no matter how we try...I surely know how that feels...please keep posting and let us know what is going on...J
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey you vent you rant you do whatever the hell it takes to let some of the pain and anger out of you okay. No pretenses here just true us okay The people who hurt you they will get it back in time they will get it back 10 fold don't worry about that maybe not this year but they will. No matter what we are here okay for you and you don't need to post when you are in such darkness my friend rest okay if you can then come back and let us know how you are each day.
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Hey, sorry I missed this. :(
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry itmahanh..I'm not here as much as I used to be...
    am feeling much like you...
    I hope you will stay and let us try and offer support...
    it's ok to ask for help...that's what friends are for...on here anyway!
    I'm so glad you've come back to us..
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Your anger seems quite justified and you have a right to express it!
    You aren't disposable - please don't give into the urges x
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: carla, welcome back, I missed you and your poetry..sorry you're still feeling so poorly though, hope it gets better for you x
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, you...:hugtackles: Welcome back and vent away. I hope things begin to pick up for you soon!
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    welcome back!
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    See this is how I think things through. I have to get 18 teeth pulled on the 1st of March. Then a partial denture to replace some of them. I'll be knocked out. It's going to cost about $2300.00. You have to pay in full before the surgery. Okay, no big deal. To a "normal" person sure. You may as well be asking me for $23,000.00 cuz I havent got anything close to either figure. But I have been living with absest (sp) teeth for over a year now. I mean full blown, half my face swollen so big it was hard to breath and swallow. I cant take the pain anymore. But I dont have the money either. My logic says dead I dont have to worry about any of it anymore. Alive I'm going to suffer and keep worrying. Why would anyone want to put themself through that? I'm hurting myself either way. Dead is much easier. Yeah I am that pathetic.
  14. suzy

    suzy Well-Known Member

    hi carla
    you are not pathetic...

    when faced with something that does not seem logical... yes, you and anyone you know can become confused... but on the other side is that you got far enough to get it all set up... the appointment... which i think i could say is pretty good in how depressed you are...

    but somehow the depression is speaking and tooth pain does not help when it lasts a year

    if all else fails just reschedule the appointment... and give yourself time... buy yourself time
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Oh! teeth! that must be so painful...
    do you qualify for government assistance there? I don't know..just a thought.
    anyone who says money doesn't bring happiness hasn't been in your situation hon..

  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you go into emergency dept of a hospital will they not get a surgeon there to abstract your teeth i know they did this with my husband and he did not have to pay because it was an emergency hugs to you I know i have had two abcess teeth fixed and it is hell. hugs
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ok, just right out with it. I'm feeling very suicidal right now. And night is slowly crawling in. I cant fight the feelings. Their in my head and sounding more reasonable than spending another lonely night alone worrying about all the things I have to worry about. People here say reach out, well I dont know how else better to reach out. This is it.
  18. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    HELL FUCKIN LO!!!!!!!!If wasnt for lightbeam I'd think iwas completely as invisible as I feel right now. an hour ago i said i felt really suicidal now ther is no feeling. I am. forget it just wanted to be distracted wont work anymore
  19. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    im here i am i am sorry you are feeling in such a bad way please hang on okay please
  20. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey sorry you are feeling so rough and sorry i didn't see your post earlier. sending a big hug, if okay. have you tried the suicide hotline? that might help pass the time a bit. or try a little self care, a nice hot shower or bath and some fluffy pj's and a good book under the covers. just try and get through the night any way possible and know you can fight again in the morning. about your teeth, is there a dental school near you? here in toronto you can go to the dental school for free emergency care. they are students but they are close to being done their training and they are quite good. that's who i go to.
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