back but not with good news, sorry :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Oct 21, 2010.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for not being here for over a year. I wish I could say that I found peace and was now happy, I really wish I was here with better news but I'm not. I am now a heroine addict using needles to inject myself, I have just started a methdone programme and am currently on 65m and they want to put me up beause I'm still using about 0.4 a day.Through the year to pay for it i've been involved with selling it, driving to pick a very large amounts up, had sex with a stranger, I hate what I've become what i've let this life become. I am not happy. I have a fella who keeps spiking my drink and having sex with me, someone saw he's room and he pictures all over he's room off me, including he's laptop. I'm scared that one day he will go to far and kill me but I have always said that everything has been taking from me without me wanting them to, no control over them taking it DEATH is the one thing I WILL control, I WILL take my life nobody will take that from me. I have to move because the house I have a mortgage on is being rented out on 1st November so i'm meant to be moving to another county where I know nobody, I will lose my CPN, my support worker, my 2 drug works.

    I will have my younger sister and she will be near her daughter but she will also be working away for probably 4 days/nights a week and then she goes sky diving on saturdday and sundays so i will be on my own, it will be lonely, it will be worse then ever so i've been saving my tablets instead of taking them, I have 3 different prescription lots and i got over counter ones as wel. I want to go over on heroin and take the tablets and die. thats what I want, that's what be for the best. it be best for everybody won't it.

    I have no friends to speak to. nobody wants to know how i feel now that i moving, thery just gratful that i'm going thye probably celebrate that i'm gone, i was jus a burden and waste of spacel. i'm sorry.

    i don't know if anyone here will remember me, probably not becuase I was just a waste of space here as well. i wish someone would help me die please. i tried to get support but its not helping. I can't tell anyone how I really feel so people think i'm ok, but i'm not and if they cared and really knew me they'd know I was lying but they don't. I'm sorry. Please can anyone help me here? please
  2. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    I would love to help, cant promise miracles or owt. unfortunately the best person to help you is yourself. first and foremost is to accept that od is not an option, it will remove all choices and affect those around you more than you could ever imagine. I had friends, good people, that were stolen from me by junk and i often think about what they would be doing now had they that option. you have gota kick the junk. it will be one of the hardest things you will ever do but it is possible. you have little quality of life when on heroin and many of the people who od do it by accident when relapsing. please find a way to carry on and make something of the time you have left. we are all as much as a waste of space as each other as it is a thought process eminating from your own mind. your brain can destroy you but it can also build you up. sex with strangers and using will do nothing for your self esteem, except it and move on. i dont know you but i do care or i wouldnt waste my time on this forum. it pains me greatly to hear your story, but i a confident that is in us all to find our way out the tunnel. some people are really happy we can be like them, no quick fix but imagine a time when you can look back on this experience as another person able to use it constructivley for your own benifit or that of others. please pm me if you wana talk I am but a fone call away. find the strength from anywhere you can.
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I did want to stop injecting as each day I inject I lose something else, I've lost so much because of it I always said that i would never turn to smack, I'd never be a smack head and yet here I am with holes in my arms, lumps in my hand, everyday I bang up, I hate it, I hate that i've lost my life to it. I tried so hard to get support, then heroin found me it was only thing not to reject me like everyone else had, the time i needed people the most they walked away from me and i walked into the world of heroin. I continue I will die a smack head and I hate that, that's how i wil be remembered. I'm tired of fighting for help, and failing each time. sorry thank you for replying and i'm sorry that I just can't see another way out. sorry
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. You are not a waste of space, you are not a burden. It seems to me you are a good person who has suffered very unfairly, it's just that so much abuse has been dumped on you that you haven't been able to get out from under. You probably are unable even to see how unfairly you have been treated.

    Are you in the UK? These are for the UK
    Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline
    Run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge: 0808 2000 247

    Refuge's network of safe houses provency accommodation for women and children when they are most in need.

    Women's Aid
    Women's Aid is the national domestic violence charity.
    They work to end violence against women and children, and co-ordinate and support over 500 domestic and sexual violence services across the country.

    I hope that you are able to escape being abused. He should go to jail, and if there are pictures all over his room of you, there may be ample evidence to convict him.

    I hope that you are able to quit heroin and find a way to live.

    You deserve to have a happy life, and I hope that you can have the happy life that you deserve. I know it must be so hard for you to carry on though.

    I will hope and pray for something good to come to you.
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    lost_child I think I recognise your name from posting here before. (((hugs)))

    I'm very sorry you're suffering so badly. I read your post and I was speechless and poured another glass of vino!

    I just want to echo may71 and Enigmatic Ed.

    Pleased to hear tho that you have shown courage to start a methdone programme. Well done! (((hugs)))
  6. Enigmatic Ed

    Enigmatic Ed Well-Known Member

    you have ended up in a circle its not a easy thing to escape from as now the wrong people need you, dealers who only want your money and other users who dont want you to succeed where they have failed. dont be sorry to me im glad you have replied. if you stay around these people they will drag you under with them. because you tell yourself you are bad you believe it. i know how stupid this sounds but start telling yourself how fduking awsome you are, how nothing will beat you and how your place in the world makes everyone elses existence worthwhile. i do, i walk down the street, thinking about the people i pass "god your so lucky im in the world cause i fduking rule" i dont believe it but one day i might who knows. dont beat yourself up for not quiting junk now, yesterday or tomorrow. you wont do it but you should grass on your dealer to the old bill and get him off the sceen he is scum of the highest order. doesnt seem like it but there are little bits of life that can be fun, ever remember laughing so hard you couldnt stop or finding fun in the simplist of thing like watching an ant walk around like a twat. hang in there.
  7. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    i'm a junkie too. i now how ya feel
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i remember yoju hun. and i remember when you left you had a whole other plateful of problems yu were trying to battle. its been a long struggle. dont be so hard on you. whats done is done. now take the supoprt and friendship of the members here, old and new and move forward.

    i know so easy to say. yep and the sad thing is its lots of work and effort on your part. but you have the support that you came to know from around here. people that really care and want to see you having better times. so please dont run away. dont od or take your life. stay here and see how others can help. :arms:
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I remember you too and so glad you came back to let us be there for are neither a waste, nor a burden and you deserve a life free from all those demons...keep posting and letting us know how we can be there for you...big hugs, and welcome back...our arms are open and strong...J
  10. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help here, you blame yourself for being where you are, it is not your fault, you want better than that and you want to get out of there, that's a good start, those people around you have pulled you into a world of negative and abusive behavior, you have to put that guy in jail, you need to stay away from those friends doing drugs, you have to go to support groups to break the addiction, going away to start a new life is a great solution, specially if you are close to a loved one, you don't see her everyday now, so not seen her all the time while you live with her shouldn't make you sad, when alone, do art, write a song, enjoy having that time to do something creative.

    I did what you are doing, pretending to be happy on everyone's eyes when inside I was broken. even though others cared, there's no way they could know how bad I was feeling and it led me to the hospital, you have to learn to trust in people and ask them for help (it wasn't easy for me).

    You need changes and be surrounded by good people, not kill yourself, you say yourself on the post that you want to live, move away, start a new life and let a new happy you start this new journey as a new life where you don't let anything negative reach you or touch you, you deserve it.

    I will pray for you and for a better and amazing future for you.

    I care. :)
  11. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lost_Child. I remember you from before and I was actually wondering how you have been doing. I'm sorry to hear that you are addicted to heroine, but I'm glad that you're still alive.

    I know that life has been very difficult for you, after having your innocence taken away at such a young age. But I also know that you're a survivor. You've been through so much and you're still fighting. You can beat heroine too and get detoxed. Maybe moving away will give you the fresh start that you need?

    Please don't give up hun. :hug:
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I hope you're okay lost_child? :hug:
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry I couldn't reply sooner I have moved away from Kent to Essex, but I keep going back to kent. I only just got internet back. I'm not happy, I have lost all the support I had in Kent because of moving..Once again I've had to move because a man couldn't leave me alone, but once again someone who I thought could be trusted can't and he knows that I've moved, he found out before I moved and went mad on me, not content with just hitting and raping me he had to inject me, spike me with something I don't know what but it made me very ill for days. I keep messing up, he keeps using dirty needles, i use clean ones but he doesn't..I don't know how many more days or even hours I can hold on for. I don't want this life, I am not happy, I am not content. I'm lonely, I won't ever have a family, feel loved or cared for so I don't see any reason to continue to live in this misery, I can't see any other way. I've tried, I've tried everything and I've now once again lost everything and I just can't do this anymore. I just can't, I don't have the energy. i wish someone could help me, but I have nobody and that hurts. sorry to be such a miserable lowlife everyone will be so much happier when i'm not around..its the only thing left for me insn't it. today should have been my last meeting with my CPN, she cancelled an hour before....that's what happens to lowlifes like me...people realise i'm a waste of space. If I could have one wish before I die its for someone to help me die. please? I can no longer stay in this world please help me, please?
  14. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that so many bad things are still happening to you. Can you contact the woman's aid organization? They might be able to help. I hope so!
  15. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    I am and will keep praying for you, stay away from that guy (I should say monster), you are not a lowlife nor a waste of anyones time, you are a great human being that wants to be free from that hell this person has you in, run away, leave your past, heck, leave your stuff, don't look for an excuse to see that horrible human or be close to him at all, go as far as you can, you will be surrounded by wonderful people if you want, but you need to start all over...

    Big hug for you and wishing you the best, God bless you!! :)
  16. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hi lost_child - perhaps the move will be a new start for you?! Maybe you can find new support networks / new friends? I cant believe that man could be so cruel to you, and as you say, he also uses dirty needles, I don't wish to alarm you but wondered if you have thought about having a test for HIV, because this man has put you at risk sweetie.
    Please don't say to yourself that you are a lowlife, you are a victim of circumstances so please stop putting yourself down, its not going to help you to keep beating yourself up. Have you tried some self-esteem building classes? There is a really good self-help book called, through the eyes of the heart which you can find here:
  17. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Hi lost_child, I was watching revelation TV (LIVE) today and there was an awesome testimony from Sally Livingstone (ex addict) and I was reminded of your post here and asked them to pray for you, and they prayed for you live on TV!
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lost-child, I remeber you and have wondered what happened to you?? You need to stay away from this guy..He's bad news.. You have moved away so you have a chance to make a new start..Your always welcome here and nobody will judge you.. Go to the clinic where you moved to and get back on the methadone.. You can kick the heroin.. I will hold you in my thoughts.. Stay with us and let us offer you the support you need..Take Care!!
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lost Child. I'm sorry to hear how cruel your ex-boyfriend was to you. You deserve to be with someone who will love you and treat you nicely. I also think that you should go to a drug rehab clinic, so that you can stop injecting heroine. Your poor veins can only take so much abuse before they give up. Please don't give up hun. We're all hoping that you get better. :hug: :cheekkiss:
  20. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    ty for your messages. I don't know what it is about me that makes people want to hurt me, I guess though if they doing it to me they leaving other people alone. i don't want to be killed by him which is what will happen. I must die before he kills me. Everything in this so called life is horrible, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be alive. I want to die. I really want to cut my wrists so deep, I want to overdose on heroine, i've had a scores worth, I need more. I don't want to exist, I wish for once something would go my way, for once i would get my wish. I want out. I have nothing, I have nobody, I see no reason to be here. I'm alone, i know nobody around here, I hate this life. please can someone just tell me how to kill myself as I just can't take anymore. the urge to cut is to strong that i now got 4 razor blades to make sure i do it deep enough. sorry. i am sorry.
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