well, I got the talk about not doing well in my job. It came faster in this job than the others. I feel down. I cried at the meeting where my boss drew me in to discuss the work. I hated myself - not that I don't hate myself now - but I hate to cry in the face of criticism because I don't want the other person to feel sorry for me. My boss said that my work in general is good enough but in one aspect I needed to improve. Now the project I was working on will delay the overall project and he is thinking of doing the work himself on the weekends so he can redo what I did. If I was to do it it would also be on my own time during the weekends and my pdoc is getting on my case about not doing exercise esp on weekends. So I ate everything tonight acerbating my obesity even further. I'm heading to a heart attack which might be a painful way to die. I still have the chemicals to kill myself. I have some things to do with the house before I do the chemicals so my daughter won't have to deal with the house projects. I just want to die again and avoid the pain. It's been a nice few months where I felt good enough to look forward to living more than a year. I even planned a trip and paid for the tickets. Now I can look forward to death after or before the trip. It's not even on the bucket list but then I don't have a bucket list other than to die painlessly. I don't know why I had to post except I'm so lonely I don't have anyone to talk to.