Back down in the dumps

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cymbele, Mar 20, 2014.

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  1. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    well, I got the talk about not doing well in my job. It came faster in this job than the others. I feel down. I cried at the meeting where my boss drew me in to discuss the work. I hated myself - not that I don't hate myself now - but I hate to cry in the face of criticism because I don't want the other person to feel sorry for me. My boss said that my work in general is good enough but in one aspect I needed to improve. Now the project I was working on will delay the overall project and he is thinking of doing the work himself on the weekends so he can redo what I did. If I was to do it it would also be on my own time during the weekends and my pdoc is getting on my case about not doing exercise esp on weekends.
    So I ate everything tonight acerbating my obesity even further. I'm heading to a heart attack which might be a painful way to die. I still have the chemicals to kill myself. I have some things to do with the house before I do the chemicals so my daughter won't have to deal with the house projects. I just want to die again and avoid the pain.
    It's been a nice few months where I felt good enough to look forward to living more than a year. I even planned a trip and paid for the tickets. Now I can look forward to death after or before the trip. It's not even on the bucket list but then I don't have a bucket list other than to die painlessly.
    I don't know why I had to post except I'm so lonely I don't have anyone to talk to.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi cymbele your boss said your work was good hun just need to improve some areas and you will ok please do not be so hard on yourself You keep looking forward to the future ok and take in what is said to you and learn from the good criticism We all get that call in to office you are doing your best and that is all one can do hugs
  3. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I wish things were better for you currently. I have a tendency to see the negative reinforcement regarding work, it seems this may be the case for you as well. Trying to keep things in an accurate perspective is difficult, I know. Your Boss did say your work was good, only one area needed to be worked on. In my experience my bosses always find something that needs improvement, it is their job to get as much productivity/quality out of us as they can.
    I am glad you have reached out here, you are not alone in this situation. Keep posting as there is support here. Hoping things imrove for you and that you may be good to yourself.
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