Back from the nuthouse

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by /dev/null, Sep 10, 2008.

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  1. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Hi...
    Well, idk if anyone here remembers me but i was here a while ago wanting to kill myself...
    Anyways a friend of mine found my suicide note before I did anything and called the cops on me so I ended up in the hospital for about 35 days...
    Now I'm on meds & back at home at my friends' parents house.
    I guess I'm a little better now but life still sucks a lot of the time.
    It's not really that bad right now when I'm with one of my friends but I only have two close friends and one of them I can't visit that often.
    It probably sounds lame but whenever I'm separated from my friends I feel like shit...
    Nothing to do but think about how much life sucks because I can't get enjoyment from hobbies or anything & I have no job to occupy myself right now...

    I'm still not sure if I want to live either...
    I mean sometimes I kinda want to, and my friends say they want me to live, but I've been suicidle my whole life & i just can't really feel anything...

    I'm going to try to get a job and basically live to hang out / take care of my two close friends, but it's really hard when their gone.... I just think away...
    And when I mess up in front of them, I don't say anything about it but I get REALLY bad.
    The other night I was drunk and carved my arm up pretty good so I've got to wear long sleaved shirts until I heal even on really hot days...

    I really do wish I could feel things more than I do...
    The closest thing to fun I have is the good feeling I have when I do good for my friends, but that's more like a relief from how useless I normally am.

    The doctors just give me meds that don't work and tell me "more time", even when it's been over a month...

    IDK what to do... I've got a therapist apt. in 4 days and hopefully they can put me on some better meds or something but IDK I just feel hopeless sometimes...


    Anyways I just posted this basically to rant & to let anyone who read my old posts know how things are going...
    I just feel like I'm going insane sometimes & figured this would be a place to vent.

    Well, time to smoke a cig.
    - Pete
     
  2. onenineteen

    onenineteen Antiquities Friend

    Hey Pete

    You are not useless. You have spent time with your friends and it's rewarding for you and for them. You also spent time in the hospital which it sounds like it helped a little. I've never done it but I think about it alot and wonder if it would do me good.

    I am not at a point right now I don't think I could give great advice but what I do know is it sounds like you've got some support and things are looking up so congrats, keep at it and be strong.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello /Dev/Null,
    I beleive you were posting here back when I first joined the forum. So you know you can get advice and support here!! I am glad you have a couple of good friends who have stuck with you thru out this!!
    A lot of us have no friends. I for one am a isolationist. I have panic attacks when I am around other people. I went for blood work the other day and had a major attack. I was lucky I had my daughter with me, because I had a very bad attack. I never got the blood done because I had to get out of there, I made my daughter drive me home because my head was spinning so bad I thought I would pass out!! Her license is suspended and I put her in jeopardy driving me.
    When was the last time you told your friends how much they mean to you? I can't fathom having someone. I have been locked up in my bedroom for fifteen years. I have been in therapy for the last three years and have made some progress. I am getting out of the house a little at a time.
    You know the one thing I do like is going to this park down by the river and just appreciating nature. That might sound stupid but the alternative is staring at the four walls of my bedroom!! Take Care!!:chopper:!!
     
  4. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    I know what you mean about being isolated,
    I was homeschooled my entire life & spent about 5 years not having a single friend...
    I met the friends I have now through the internet by happenstance,
    and I'm really glad because I would have undoubtedly killed myself a long time ago if not for them...
    I have panic attacks sometimes & I know they suck...
    I had a lot of panic attacks when I first moved in with my friends & had a lot of trouble explaining wtf was going on to them for the longest time...
    I also have a lot of trouble expressing what they mean to me,
    but I did kinda do it in a letter when I was in the hospital...

    I just hope they have better meds because prozac 60 isn't helping me much...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 11, 2008
  5. SavedByGrace

    SavedByGrace Member

    I haven't read any of your previous posts, so forgive me if I'm asking you to repeat yourself. What was going on in your life that you would want to kill yourself? Can you actually think of anything, or is it just the way you have been feeling just because?

    I'm just asking because if something was actually going on in your life that would make you want to do this, then meds will have little or no effect. On the other hand, if you just started feeling this way for no apparent reason, then meds can be helpful. If the latter is the case, then you just have to patient with finding the right meds and doses. It takes time. They say, though, that meds can take anywhere from four to six weeks to kick in. You haven't hit that six week mark yet, have you?
     
  6. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    My reason for wanting to die is just because I don't have any interest in anything anymore..
    I can't "have fun" doing anything whatsoever...
    I've even completely lost interest in sex, so I'm stuck being totally alone my whole life.

    My only real reasons to keep going are what few friends I do have,
    but the problem there is that I'm judging myself based on what they think,
    and I always end up taking things way to hard when I mess up in front of them.
    If it wasn't by some miracle that I managed to meet them I wouldn't even be alive right now.
    I never talk to them about that kind of thing either, because I don't want to sound weird...

    And yea I've been on my meds for at least 5 or 6 weeks,
    and they still haven't really done anything.

    I can't be with my friends 24/7,
    and I feel really horrible when ever they go anywhere without me...
    I'm not normally a really social person but I'm really attached to what friends I do have I guess...

    But sometimes I feel like I'm just prolonging my death and that I really should be dead because I really don't get any enjoyment out of life for myself.
    It's like being REALLY bored, ALL the time with absolutely no purpose but to misguidedly "try" to be of some benefit to my friends, and I frequently question that.
     
  7. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Well, I saw my therapist today.
    I don't think we really got anywhere, but I didn't really expect to...
    But last night I went to a party and actually had fun (normally I hate social gatherings),
    but now that it's over I'm back to feeling like shit again.
    I think I'm going to try being an alcoholic to mask the pain when I get some cash for it though...
    Other than that IDK what to do...
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I was on prosac for about five months. The reason was I wanted to make sure I was correct in saying it doesn't help. He just switched me to Paxil. So far it hasn't worked either. I am giving it the benefit of doubt. I really wish he would give me valuim, or xanax, or klonapin. They just don't want to here what you have to say they prescribe meds and cut you off everytime you try to say something.
    Three meds I am on that work are geodon, cogentin, and lamitcal. these are for my irrational thinking and mood swings..Now I need something for the depression and the anxiety. Take Care!!:chopper:!!
     
  9. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Thanks to everyone for replying, I think being able to vent here is really helpful...
    I almost broke out in tears a minute ago right in front of everyone but I managed to stop myself.
    I really don't want to kill myself because one of my friends told me that she had 3 close friends kill themselves already and blamed herself,
    and I don't want to hurt her but I just can't take much more of feeling this way.
    I think I've went past the point where I could possibly get better though,
    so I'm stuck living a half of a life and it sucks SO bad.....
    I just can't take it anymore!

    I just want things to get better but I know they won't....
    It makes me want to cut on myself just thinking about it, but I totally lost my knife...
    Well I guess I'm just going to go to sleep and wake up feeling even worse, like usual.
    *holds back tears again*
     
  10. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the clock turns forward but everything else seems backwards. Nobody seems to be able to help, and you feel the angst of being in endless despair. Fortunately, this is a phase and nothing more, so remind yourself of that. If you had been constantly suicidal your whole life, you wouldn't be here. It is horrible that you've had suicidal tendencies for so long. There are times that they are not evident, though, aren't there. Take whatever good you can get from your life- for instance, it's great that you're able to appreciate the friends you have. Even if you aren't around them, they are still there. Also, without necessarily being able to enjoy what you may bring to the table, you are still there too. The thing that's changed is your mindset. Wait it out, and take in whatever support you can.
     
  11. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi /dev/null,
    I have exactly the same problem, and I think a lot of people do. I may not have been suicidal for as long as you have (maybe 3 years or so for me), but I know exactly how it feels to have lost interest in everything that you do. I used to play guitar, don't any more. I used to find university stimulating, don't any more. I used to write songs about how I felt, don't any more. There are so many things that I stopped doing along the way in these last 4 years. My meds were changed 3 months ago, and it worked well for 2 months or so, but lately I don't think it has worked that well. I think the important thing is to keep trying, and if the meds don't work, ask for something else. All I do know is that it does take a while for the meds to kick in, so don't lose hope just yet.. Hope you get something that works for you.
     
  12. /dev/null

    /dev/null Active Member

    Well, when I was a kid I didn't have any friends or reason to live whatsoever,
    and I played a lot of Russian Roulette "hoping" to die, but I still haven't...
    I was about to just end it for sure right before I met my friends,
    but I seemed so much happier around them I got to thinking "what if" things can get better...
    And they did, just not to a point that I can tolerate...
    I really can't take much more...

    I've got a psychiatrist appointment on the 30th, maybe if I can hang on until then I can get my meds changed, but that seems so far from now...
     
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