Back here again, back in a bad place (possibly triggering)

[Crashtesthero]

I've come back again, after having a short period of time where life was bearable. I cut myself again. The emotions I felt were very heavy and mixed, the blade feeling good against my skin but at the same time I let myself down. I keep reaching for my blade as comfort and though I know its wrong I can't seem to stop. I don't truly want to stop because the release helps. I guess I have been a little more stressed lately and that may have caused some of it, but really it feels like the sadness was being masked for a while and now the mask has been taken off. My chest hurts from the sadness and I try to hide any emotions from everyone else for fear of bringing them down but really I just want to scream. Last night I sat awake debating taking the car keys and driving... just driving until I couldn't go any further and then ending everything. Contrary to what those around me think, I am not seeking attention. I do not want sympathy nor do I really need anyone to take notice of my situation and 'hear me out'. I just want to pain to stop. At the very least I need to know why I feel this way.

 

[JmpMster]

I am sorry a difficult time has returned - have you ever tried to get professional help to determine what is causing it or to get either therapeutic coping methods or medicine to help cope?

Take Care and Be Safe

Ben

 

[Aria11]

Hi Fritz,

I think that cutting is your coping mechanism with all those overwhelming feelings that you describe as heavy. The thing is only you can know the root cause behind those feelings. It is normal not to be able to put your finger on it when so many things are upsetting and you don't know where to start.. don't think too much about why you feel that way (we all have mixed up emotions sometimes), but more of how can I cope with them in a different way? How can you express your feelings without self harm? I am not a shrink so might not be helpful but I think if you find another coping mechanism, it is a start..
Most importantly, you should seek professional help. So many people feel the same way so you are not alone. Don't worry about letting people down, worry about letting yourself down. Reach out to people closest to you who can help you get some help. I am sure with the right support, you will figure out why you feel this way, how you can cope with it differently and you will get over suicidal thoughts..
Whatever you decide to do, please stay safe.