Back Here Again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Keiran, Mar 1, 2011.

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  1. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I have no friends. Well, I talk to a couple people at school, but that's it.

    Before last week, I hadn't gone anywhere in months, except for school, and a couple places with my brother. See, two weeks ago, I got an interview for a job. I was so glad, I thought it was like my ticket to happiness, if I got that job. To sum up three paragraphs I originally wrote, I smoked two days before the test, because I thought I hadn't go the job, but then found out that a new position opened. I knew there was no way I could pass the test. Days before, I had prayed to god over and over that I pass. Somehow, I did.

    I am not religious at all. I never attended church or anything(except once with a friend), but I pray to god a lot, because for some reason I have to believe he is there. And after all these times that he has not helped one bit(or so it seems), I feel like he had some affect on that test, because there is no way I could have passed. But when I prayed, I said I would be happy forever after that. I said it was all I needed. Damn was I wrong.

    Whenever something good happens, no matter what it is, I still end up back here. On this forum. Last time I was on here says Feb 12th. Before then, probably sometime in January. So, it's been a while, but I can't help but come back here.

    I can't make friends, I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything. I can see my self going away. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal. But to others, it will be. I just want to get it over with already.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi keiran you are good for something okay you past that test you are smart and i do hope you continue to reach out for help hugs to you
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Hi there, happy that you passed the test, did you get the job?

    And whats so bad about coming here and chitchatting with us, even if its not about depression, anger or whatever, we all need people to talk to, I know Ive seen post where people have met up and became friends or even built relationships here.

    I do hope that you continue to work on yourself and realize you are human and not everything is going to go perfect, thats just the way life is, that doesnt mean you have to settle its just give yourself a break okay. Life is hard......
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    so you mean that you passed a drug test that you thought you would fail? I think it is a bad idea to use rec. drugs if you are suicidal.

    I haven't seen your other posts

    do you want to talk about any treatments you have tried?
  5. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I feel that drugs like marijuana help me relax and get away from life. Unfortunately I barely ever get the chance to use it. I mean, I can obtain it and all, I have some now, but I rarely have a time where I can use it and not get caught.

    Yes I got the job. I hate going home from school and being like "Ugh I have to work today", but at least I'm making some money.

    Anyways, I really don't know what to say. I mean it's like I look at some things in my life and I'm like "Why haven't I killed myself yet?" but sometimes there's something to look forward to.
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Well you go to work to pay bills, but think of it this way, your getting out of the house, your talking to others, your not home in bed, what else would you do if you didnt have to work. Thats what I always think...and the answer usually is nothing.
  7. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    That's true, but I'd rather be out doing something I like to be doing.

    Anyways, I don't mind being a cashier all that much, and that would fall under 'getting out of the house and talking to others' as you said. But I am sometimes cart attendant, and when I am, I don't really get to talk to anyone, and I hate it more than pretty much anything.

    Oh, and I just found out I'll be spending my next 2 weekends working. As cart attendant. Awesome.

    There's always one person there managing like all the cashiers and stuff and making sure everything's good...kind of like a floor supervisor, and when I had my second day of cart attendant on this past Sunday(my first day was just training for cart attendant) I walked by her and she just looks at me and says "You hate it?" and I'm just like "so much." I wish I could switch all my hours to cashier, but I don't think I really get a choice on that.

    I told her I'd much rather be a cashier, and she said that's funny because everyone who does carts hates cashiering. I'll fill in for them please.

    I just wanna see what that paycheck looks like on Friday. It will be good to see I'm earning some money.

    I pray for no more cart attendant. I don't even know why I hate it so much. I think it's just because there are a bunch of extra responsibilities, because I have to go around and collect the abandoned items and check the bathrooms and stuff and I just hate doing all of that. I was lucky because on Sunday I was with another person and he did most of the extra stuff, but he said 99% of the time your by yourself. If it were just doing the carts, maybe I wouldn't hate it so much, but as a cashier I'm doing the same thing over and over and I know I shouldn't have too many problems.

    The only thing good about cart attendant I'd say is that you get to take your break whenever and you get to just relax if your all caught up on all the carts and stuff.
  8. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the real world of having to work to earn a living.
  9. Keiran

    Keiran Well-Known Member

    I don't think you guys understand. I'm 17. I still live with my parents.
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I hope that things work out with the cashier/ cart work.

    please keep telling us what's going on. are you feeling any better now? do you think that posting here is helping?
  11. That's just the starting part of your work life.. I started working part-time when i was 17 during the holidays and i ended up crying in my bathroom everytime i reached home.. Nobody likes to do cashier because if you happened to lose some money or returned excess to customers, you are going to pay the shortage out from your own pocket and it sucks!

    Take care and don't always think about suicide as it is really not worth it.. :hug:
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