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Back here once again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lee :), Dec 11, 2013.

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  1. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    After getting out of hospital after lord knows how many times it actually started to look like things could improve and get better, I really genuinely thought that there was hope in the world for somebody like me. Not even 48 hours later my energy has diminished and the slight strand of hope is gone, my faith is hanging by a thread; once again I'm back here. Laying in bed, re-evaluating my situation I cannot stop the suicidal thoughts flooding in. I feel hopeless and done. All this medication is only making me ill on top of my already fragile mental and physical health. I feel as though the psychiatrist appointments are futile and I'm too far in to be saved. Those two days where I had some hope... They were a nasty tease. I don't know what do do anymore... I'm weak, I'm lost and I'm tired. As I close my eyes to shut out the world I am only faced with an even more harsh one, I am wishing god will take me and I'm hoping it will be soon. Each time I try I fail, much like everything else I do. I can barely make it through the night without a panic attack and cutting seems to be my only escape, unhealthy I know but it seems to be the bearer of peace for those few moments of calm. So here I am.. Back here again and without an exit, hopefully not for long.
  2. DarkReign

    DarkReign New Member

    Reading your latest post was like having my mind read by a stranger lol. Not to make fun in any way, but you seem to be in the exact same spot as I am. And for a lot of the same reasons. I too spend countless days out of my life in a hospital. I too have failed at every single positive thing I've ever tried. I also cut myself. Not to garner support or attention, but like you I'm just a hell of a lot better at handling physical pain than I am emotional pain. I feel nothing but remorse and sadness daily and, although, I know there are people out there who suffer like me or even more than me, I too know the chances of someone out there understanding exactly how I feel are dismal at best. I don't know how old you are, where you are from or what has brought you to the same shores of unending sadness as the rest of us, but I do feel as if I understand a bit. I won't promise you salvation or offer you a way out. I feel every individual should have the right to decide his or her fate. Even if said choices lead to the grave. And quite frankly, from where I'm, and I imagine you, are sitting, whether it's Heaven, Hell or Oblivion waiting on the other side, it can't be much worse than this planet. I don't mean to presume too much. I know people don't come here to make friends. They come for answers. I myself came seeking the best techniques to end my life painlessly and without leaving my family thinking it was their fault or they could've saved me. I just heard so many similarities in your story I felt compelled to reach out. I know this may mean jackshit to you, but if you need an ear...you have one! -Reignl
  3. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you also share this pain :( it doesn't mean jackshit to me at all, in fact I'm very thankful that you took the time to reply, that means a lot to me. It's a funny feeling reading the story of another and feeling as tho you have lived in their shoes, I've read similar posts however it also saddens me to know others must experience the same thing that's snatching my life away In the most inhumane way possible, through the thoughts and actions of ones self. I am also better taking the physical pain over mental pain, I think this has stemmed from years of abuse... The words always seemed to hurt more than the physical contact. Similar to yourself I also stumbled across this forum seeking an idiotproof technique to end it but what I found was strength to carry on until now. As I remain here thinking over my choices and contemplating what my next move will be, I am thankful for taking time to offer your support, you'll always have mine
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Amazing and cewl that the two of you have so many similarities.

    DarkReign,you wrote that you know people do not come here to make friends. No they dont. But many of us do find very good friends here. Where else can we find people who are okay with hearing about who we REALLY are? And what we REALLY are dealing with. right? I think this is a great community. So I am glad you are here. You will not find people discussing ways to end their life. But you will find people who know all too well what pain feels like.

    Lee, I am SO sorry that you are back in hopelesness after such a short time being out of the hospital. Hopelesness, faith hanging by a thread. Really painful place to be. Too many of us know how painful it is, from their own perspective and experience of it. I really hope that somehow the faith and hope can return. I think this time of year makes things even worse. Or it is making it worse for me. And some other people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 11, 2013
  5. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    I agree flowers, I have found some good friends here however that only makes me feel worse about slipping back onto the verge of suicide again :/ I know many people feel or have felt the same, I just don't know how to get through it this time.
  6. ThisSideORTheOther

    ThisSideORTheOther New Member

    I actually had writtwn a long post responding to you. I then erased it for some reason. Really, I just thought why would I be able to help anyone out..

    If you are reading posts now, I would like to be there for you. I share some similar experiences.

    Wuld you like me to respond?
  7. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    Thankyou that's very kind, if you find the time if not its ok. Thankyou for your thoughts I'm sorry to hear you have felt this way, it's horrible :(
  8. DarkReign

    DarkReign New Member

    Isn't it strange? No matter how hopeless people like us feel, we are still happy when we can bring comfort to others with our words. If I can bring silence, however brief, to the thoughts and feelings causing you pain, with words or by listening, then by all means don't hesitate to reach out. It TRULY DOES SUCK knowing that there are other people out there feeling just like me. You truly wouldn't wish pain like this on your worse enemy. Like I said before I don't know much about you even though I feel like I know you, but I would like to know more. That is, if you want to share. Speaking from my perspective, sometimes I feel like talking, sometimes I don't. The choice is yours. Perhaps.......we can help each other. I've put the prospect of finding help far behind me. Not that people don't care or won't listen. It's just I don't think I could ever get comfortable enough with myself to want to live my whole life. It sux because when I was younger I, and my family, wanted me to accomplish so much. And it's not as if I didn't try to make those dreams come true it's just things got so hard so quickly and I wasn't't strong enough to withstand the pressure and hang tough. I, of course, regret it now, but I also believe it was never meant to be. Oh well. I'm rambling lol. I'm glad my words helped you. Hope we speak again.
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