After getting out of hospital after lord knows how many times it actually started to look like things could improve and get better, I really genuinely thought that there was hope in the world for somebody like me. Not even 48 hours later my energy has diminished and the slight strand of hope is gone, my faith is hanging by a thread; once again I'm back here. Laying in bed, re-evaluating my situation I cannot stop the suicidal thoughts flooding in. I feel hopeless and done. All this medication is only making me ill on top of my already fragile mental and physical health. I feel as though the psychiatrist appointments are futile and I'm too far in to be saved. Those two days where I had some hope... They were a nasty tease. I don't know what do do anymore... I'm weak, I'm lost and I'm tired. As I close my eyes to shut out the world I am only faced with an even more harsh one, I am wishing god will take me and I'm hoping it will be soon. Each time I try I fail, much like everything else I do. I can barely make it through the night without a panic attack and cutting seems to be my only escape, unhealthy I know but it seems to be the bearer of peace for those few moments of calm. So here I am.. Back here again and without an exit, hopefully not for long.