back in time

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by zoebaby, Feb 1, 2008.

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  1. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    Im feeling a little down right now, so I thought that maybe I would write a little while, and maybe I would feel a little better ...... I wrote about my son's father a couple of day's ago, but there is more to tell. Like I said before, I left his dad when he was 3 month's old and started my life with just me and my son. His father wanted to take my son, probably to punish me for not being able to deal with him, if he took him, I would have to do whatever he said. And then again, I kind of think that he wanted him regardless. He had a big family, unlike me, and plenty of people to love and care for my son, it was a heartbreaking decision because I wanted to stay and have the family's support, but his father was stalking me and terrifying me, and the family could not, or would not stop what was happening. Sometimes I feel so guilty, especially now that my son has met them. So I was heartbroken to start without family for my son but I felt that I had no choice. Well now 12 year's later, one night I was so lonely, so I called my son's aunt, I didn't even know if she would want to talk, but she did, she was happy to hear from me, and then she was telling me that my son's father was asking her to help to find me and his son. And then the uncle said that he would pay for a ticket and asked my son if he wanted to go meet his father. Well what could I say " No you can't go meet your father? " I was stuck in a hard place then, all I had wanted to do was talk to some of the family. I would have been the ultimate bad person then. So I let him go. I think that his father knew that he was dying. I ended up talking to him a couple of times, it was very awkward, he wanted me to come see him, NO WAY was I going to do that, I haven't been in an abusive relationship since I was with him, and Im sure not going to go backward's now. Just thinking about him scare's the hell out of me. He would get so crazy and violent, i can see all of the rage in his eyes, very scary. And to have someone stalking me, choking me, kicking me or punching me is something I don't EVER want to go through again. He cured me of that, for sure, I WILL NEVER be that lonely. When that was happening my father told me one time "Well, just call the police" like a simple phone call to the police was going to solve EVERYTHING, he would quit stalking, quit breaking into my car, Quit trying to break my front door down, and quit trying to kill me. He knew exactly what he was doing, and how to stalk and terrorize without getting caught. He knew just how far to take it. I never could understand, I gave him a baby, tried to give him my love, and how could he just keep acting like that when he knew that I was alone, with his baby? If he loved his son so much, like he was acting that he did, why couldn't he be civil to me? Help me raise this baby? GROW UP!! Why was he stalking me and scaring the hell out of me, making me move all over the place. What did he think I was going to go shaking and trembling and say "Oh ya let go see your mother so she can spend time with the baby, maybe after that you can beat on me a little " Well I guess why Im having all of these feeling now is because Im talking to his family now, my son went to visit them in June. And I just dont know where I go from here, all this time I have wanted help, but now I have been doing this so long by myself that Im having a hard time. Im kind of jealous, used to having my son all to myself. Ive never told my son about his father's temper, NEVER, i figure he's just a kid, he doesn't need to know all of these horrible thing's. I left to keep him from seeing it and I will NEVER tell him the truth. I hate it when people badmouth the parent's in front of kid's. My mother used to do that and I would feel SOOO awkward, I didn't want to hear it, and she would go on and on, i just wanted to be a kid. So talking to them is stirring all of these memories, i opened a big can of worms. Im scared right now , going into a future that Im not so sure of. It has to be so hard for my son too, to meet people that he's never met until he's twelve. i guess all i can doo is give him my love and be patient. I just need some prayer's right now, this is just a lot for me....... my son want's to see them again this summer..... this is scary
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad, you did nothing wrong. I'm sure you did your best with your ex.

    No matter what, your son will always love you. He's curious about his father and that side of the family. You've got nothing to be jealous off. You should be proud that you raised him with little or no support while other people always have a web of friends and relatives to fall back on.
  3. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are sharing some more. It's awful that he treated you that way, especially after giving him a child and loving him. I would not want any child of mine around my STBX or his family. I would not trust them with the child. My STBX and his dad being controlling and abusive and his mom and her morals. It's awful. i know it must be hard after the way he treated you and that makes the way you feel about it understandable. After all you did have the child and when we think of having children we imagine having a loving partner there to not only help raise the child but to love us. You have nothing to feel guilty about. :hug:
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