I joined this forum awhile back when my suicidal ideation was at a boiling point. I couldn't control myself and I made frequent attempts at taking my own life. I was in the main seeking attention, I wanted my doctors to refer me for extensive plastic surgery on the NHS, as my body is quite disfigured. They refused to see my way, even though the treatment isn't that expensive (Well out of my price range anyway). Several other things happened, I couldn't get a job despite being a university graduate, this went on for 18 months of constantly applying. Well things took a sharp turn for the better oddly enough, my life drastically improved and I was convinced that life was going to get better for me. I brought into this whole positive thinking trip, it became my mantra, I used to spend ages writing down positive things. Even though I felt utterly dredful throughout the whole process my life did get better. I've got a very well paid job at the moment and I am kinda leading my own life. However there's just painful elements of my life that keep creeping into mind all the time and invading my daily life, I've surpressed them so much that they've come back in full force. It won't go away, the body issue. I'm not body dismorphic at all, my points of view are well justified. The cost of living in England is so expensive at the moment that despite earning a good wage I have little left to save for plastic surgery. I guess you could say I'm back on the wagon, I'm not sure what to do at all, I've exhausted every options, I've taken care of all my other needs. I just cannot come to terms with being physically disabled in this way. I've been trying to keep to this mind of matter nonsense but I can never see a time where I will be right. I'm not sure what to do, each year grows more painful, another painful year. Another year older and never year where I've accomplished nothing. I've turned my focus to my work but I just cannot ever get that one thing that I want. I feel really distant from absolutely everyone, I've never actually physically met anyone who shares the problem I do, I'm one in a million. I can sense I will live and die alone in this world never overcoming my issues. I really don't know what to say to be honest. I don't even know why I'm even typing this.