Back to black

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mr_Black, Aug 16, 2009.

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  1. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    Hello community, new person here

    I could write a long story but it depresses me so I'll keep it brief. I've just split again from my gf. This is the 2nd time in about 3 mnths. The 1st time I was in such a dark place, it makes me want to curl up just thinking about re-visiting that place again

    The choice of suicide seemed to be the only thing that made me focus, ironic because researching it seemed to be the reason I didn't go through with it, I just wanted to get it right. I sourced about 50% of the apparatus but stopped dead in my tracks when she asked to reconcile, something I thought would never happen.

    I've been depressed once before. About 18 years ago, I also tried then about 5 times. None of this is a cry for help because no-1 knows, Well not that I'm aware of.

    The last time we broke up the depression slowly took hold so I know I'm not there yet but I'm sure it'll come as before. The reasons are many I guess .... She is the only reason I get up in the morning, she is my world but the reason we have split is because I have no career, no job, no car, no drive in life!!

    I'm trying, I really am. Job interview tomorrow for a high profile job (too high profile for me if I'm honest) just about to get further education & have some meds that was prescribed to me a few months ago (haven't taken any yet. Just wanted to get some sleeping tablets to help me sleep but broke down in the gps so he prescribed them) but I know it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks soon

    I just feel I have nothing left? If I was reading this I would tell them to snap out of it but I can't. The pain of not being good enough, letting my life slip by without anything to show for it is all too much but the worst of it is I don't have the fight to beat this

    I need help bit long term, not meds but hope & drive and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to muster up anything long term

    depression here I come


    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    it seems those that post here about broken relaionships, blame themselves.

    the depression comes and the self esteem and self worth go in the trash.
    is it truely the posters falut ?
    or is it something that wasnt meant to be in the first place?

    either way, i think we should always have more respect for ourself even if something doesnt work out the way we want it to.
  3. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    I know how tough it is to be in your situation, I lost my ex and my baby a year ago because I was a mess – and looking back, it was the best; and of course definitely the worst; thing that has ever happened to me. Life goes on and it will get better. No, it is not an easy journey and I can see that you are trying, but you have to keep going; please believe in yourself, you will be surprised at what you can achieve in a short space of time despite the odds.

    I am always here to listen should you need me, but perhaps some professional counseling will do you some good too. For now, I am just a PM away.

    Take care and be safe,

  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    I had an awful breakup last year. He left me a couple times too; I was completely dependent on him for happiness, and was sure I would kill myself without him. I think he would have left me sooner or more times if I hadn't said I felt that way a few times.

    When he left, I did crash... I relapsed with alcohol, self-injury, terrible insomnia.... I made it through though, thanks to my psychiatrist and the medications he prescribed, and a good friend (I didn't have a therapist at the time, so the friend was all I had).

    It looks like your heading in the right direction. Your searching for a job, getting more education, and hopefully gaining some stability from medications. Those are all positive steps. I think therapy would really help as well.
  5. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    I would like to thank you all for the responses, I've been reading the other threads & almost cried. Such a warm community all with one thing in common - empathy

    I'm not suicidal but I think I will be in a week or 2.

    I'm English & therapy isn't so easy here, I've just had my 2 session & she ended it there, said I could call & re-book anytime but the resources are so scarce I felt I was being pushed out for someone who's in a worse state than myself.

    Yes the job I have an interview for is quite some distance away (total or 4 hours 22 mins on public transport a day) but after I was made redundant end of dec 08 I haven't been able to find employment. This job is well paid (wouldn't consider it if not).

    Went to church this morning & I'm not religious but they helped me so much when I was depressed a few months ago. Good people, misgiuded (sorry if that offends anyone) but good people

    I'm 40, I rent a home, only ever had 3 proper girlfriends, can't drive & very little hope. I assure you all I will do all I can to fight this, so many worse than I am, I just know the spiral & right now I feel I'm looking down the slide knowing where I'll be in 2 weeks time

    thanks again, it really does help to talk

    Full of regrets
  6. Rose24

    Rose24 Chat & Forum Buddy

    Is the stiff upper lip getting in your way? :laugh: I have been though many counselors, its just a case of finding the right one. Samaritans are fantastic in a crisis situation, they are so warm and friendly, and you can email them if you find talking difficult. It seems you just need some support and care to get you though the next couple of weeks; please keep posting, we are all here for you.

  7. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    Lol :)

    I spoke to the Samaritans many times a few months ago, they even aranged to call me back once at an arranged time (must have been classed as high risk?) yes Rose they are fantastic, first time I called I just broke down & muffled I'd call back. I composed myself & did, yes wonderful & they are all called jo?

    The email service is not great as it takes about 24 hours for a response but it still helpful but actually talking to them (cost me a fortune on my mobile) is such a burden removed. They have my support, hope to be in a financial position to donate monthly soon

    thanks for your post Rose, & for your support
  8. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you've found us. SF is pro-life, many people here have been depressed before but are well today and know how to help.
  9. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    Hi all.

    Well it's been creeping up on me slowly ... Nothings changed really in regards to my personal circumstances. Still unemployed, still broke up with my girl (there has been further developments though) and I'm depressed

    started 20mg of citalopram which was prescribed some mnths ago & also zopiclone 3.75mg sleeping tablets. I've started to cry again & today are my first serious suicide thoughts for a while.

    This is all encompassing, overwhelming & the sense of regret is becoming a heavy burden to bear. I was doing so well until some recents events but I know through experiance this is going to be a tough ride

    I'm not close to actually doing it like before but I can feel I'm starting to panic

    I'm sorry for all those going through a similar things, it's so frickin hard & i'm tearful as I write this

    thanks for your kind words on this original thread & thanks Rose for your support as per PM message.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    :hug: Here if you need to talk. I'm glad you came back and posted here. You don't have to go through this alone.
  11. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    *hugs* we are all here 4 you, feel free to pm me or add me to msn my addy is displayed below xoxo
  12. Mr_Black

    Mr_Black Member

    Thankyou. I'll keep posting and help anyone I can when I can

    (gonna start a new thread)
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