Back to Cutting. Fucking Great...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Moses, Nov 10, 2011.

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  1. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    A few weeks ago, I was working on an art composition. Our assignment was to depict a raw emotion. I thought it would be a good idea to add blood to make my piece more powerful. So I cut my chest (my favorite part to cut) and put some blood on the paper. I thought it was justifiable because it was for my art. Then a few days ago, I don't know why, but I cut my self three times across the chest. I don't fucking understand it! Why the fuck can't I just NOT cut myself? It would make things so much easier to deal with. What kills me is that I don't cut myself to feel alive or to feel pain or because I want to die. I honestly don't know why the fuck I have the urge to draw my own blood. I'm so relaxed when I do it, you'd think I was knitting. I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I feel so fucking trapped. I'm afraid and I need help. I hate this.
     
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Moses :hug:

    There is a section in forum for Self-Harm, you will find lots of information there.

    But basically self-harm releases endorphins which gives you a few second high. It is as addictive as any drug. That is why you are drawn to it.

    Its so important to find out why you are feeling so bad so that you can find a different coping mechanism.

    You aren't alone hun.
     
  3. DylanS

    DylanS Member

    Moses,

    Moving away from cutting-as-a-solution is a process and takes time. I was a cutter/burner for years and it wasn't until I pretty consistently had both other resources/support and skill to moderate overwhelming emotional states that cutting/burning began to wane.

    I remember one of the last times I cut: I went into my normal ritual, a sort of dissociated calm, and with the first swipe of the razor blade I involuntarily yelped, "Youch!" I was both saddened and hopeful. Saddened, because my old friend and helper was no longer something I could turn to, but hopeful in that it appeared I must not need it so much anymore.

    Just like a trapeze artist doesn't let go of one bar before being sure of the next bar being in reach, so too our brains, so committed to our well-being and survival in whatever form it takes, won't leave us without recourse for our pain and anguish. This is a good thing. Your mind must still see cutting as the best option to take care of you and insure your ultimate survival.

    Be patient and gentle with yourself. It takes time.

    HTH -
    -Dylan
     
  4. Moses

    Moses Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I just feel/see myself getting worse and it's gotten really bad in such a short period of time. This may be as far as I go, but I'm afraid that I'll get to a point where I might try to kill myself.
     
  5. It could very well get to that point, but being petrafied of it will not help keep it from getting there. Don't be so rough on yourself, we all have fallen and we've all been broken. But, we don't have to stay that way, and we can get out of it. J
     
  6. Jungle420

    Jungle420 Banned Member

    I recently started cutting again too. I used to from about 13-17, but then it dropped down to rare occasions and I hardly ever cut. Now I started again. Its my therapists fault because he recently mentioned it even though its not been in my mind for a long time now. I think he triggered me to start again. They've never helped me one bit but triggered me to cut again, marvellous. Doctors and therapists are absolutely unsympathetic and useless in my own experience. That doesn't go for all of them but certainly all the ones ive encountered, and theres been alot.

    I hope you find the strength to quit though OP! :hug:
     
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