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Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by adeadhamster, Feb 7, 2011.

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  1. adeadhamster

    adeadhamster New Member

    Hello all. I haven't posted here before. but it seemed like a good place to start since all the threads i looked at everyone seemed like they care about each other. I'll start with a little history, I used to cut a lot when i was a teen, im 26 now, and up until a few minutes ago i haven't cut in a few years. I was released from jail about a month ago for a domestic assault charge, im not proud of what happened, nor do i condone hitting anyone, to keep a long story short things just got beyond my emotional control.

    The girl that was involved in the altercation with me got right back together once i was released and at first things were fine. Then we found out that she was pregnant. Every part of me wants to believe that it is mine, but i know she hung out with some guys while i was in jail, i know she talked to guys, i know she relapsed on drugs that she has been clean from for over a year. She decided to have an abortion. she complains that i dont care, or that i dont understand what shes going through. That its my fault she is getting an abortion. From the beginning though it was her choice, i even told her that she could make whatever choice she wanted and i would support her no matter what. she never said a word other than she wanted an abortion.

    This has caused a distance and resentment in our relationship, when we were finally getting ourselves worked out. We were happy again and doing great. Now she wants nothing to do with me, we dont talk, we dont look at each other. I keep finding more, and more evidence of her talking to other guys. I was trying to hold it all together, I love this girl, i love our Kids we already have together, 8 month old daughter, and 3 year old son.

    I just cant get past the lack of love from her, the deep rooted fear she cheated on, or still is cheating on me. That she is still doing drugs, that she is just hiding everything from me.

    I started to feel empty...scared...angry...feelings i didnt want to have anymore.

    Tonight it was all just building and building up.

    I took a razor, cut myself, and wiped the blood all over my face and hands. I felt so much better....

    I dont want to be like this again. I cant talk to her because she will call me selfish that im only worried about my feelings, and that she is going through so much more than me. Does that mean i deserve no help at all? I apologize for the long message.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am so glad you decided to post...adjusting to being released is quite stressful and add to it all you have to deal with, it is no wonder you are overwhelmed...sharing how you feel is not fact, in working relationships, it is expected...I hope you get the help you need and deserve and know that you can come back without harming yourself...please continue to let us know what is going on for you...welcome again, J
  3. adeadhamster

    adeadhamster New Member

    Thank you for the warm welcome it is much needed and appreciate. Every time i try to tell her i feel so distant and how much i just want a healthy relationship again, she will always just say, "yeah make it all about you, you have no idea what im going through right now!' so on and so forth, so it feels like im trapped with no release and the one person i want to love and understand doesn't. I know she is going through a lot with the abortion and she is stressed too, but i have asked her to talk to me and to let me be there for her, but once again she says i will never understand what she is going through and just keeps pushing me away.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 7, 2011
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