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Back to square one again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lintu, Mar 3, 2018.

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  1. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    I'm back to the same place I was a few years ago. This time with fewer people in my life. I just feel like I'm being punished for wanting to have a good life or even a job that I studied hard for. I've done my fair share of bad things because I'm not perfect and I'm only human. But to be back at this state once again is slowly killing me. I have tried everything to get back on track. And people keep telling me that life will get better but not for people like me. I'm tired of hearing it and every time I try to talk to people they just repeat the same things. I'm sitting here crying on my sofa, watching cartoons at the age of 26 because I have nothing better to do with my life. No one cares enough to reach out to me. I'm not expecting responses from here telling me that things will be ok. I just wanted to let some things out.
  2. Sand and Sun

    Sand and Sun SF Supporter

    Let it all out, and then some. You sound so frustrated and for me , frustration is the most difficult emotion to handle. I can try hard to accomplish something and sometimes even after expending a lot of time and energy and giving it my best shot, I end up back at square one spinning my wheels. When this kind of thing happens I get angry and resentful. I tend to blame myself. A case in point is software. I put together a business plan, designed every aspect of a treatment program, started it up, have success and get furious because I just suck at technology and software and I waste so much time (and anger) getting nowhere with it. So I came to the simple conclusion that I have limitations and having limitations is nothing to be ashamed about, it’s just part of being human. But it’s how I handle the limitations and react to them that matters. Smashing iPhones and computers or throwing them out the window is frankly self defeating. Instead I accept my limitations and tell my business partner that he must take over this area or we need to get someone to do it. I want to do the things I’m good at like working with people. Why did I write all this ? Basically to state I’m human and I have to react to frustration and adversity in a non-self defeating way.
    @Lintu, when I read your post, what immediately came into my head was that this woman could maybe greatly benefit with consulting with a life coach.
    Frustration just like mental illness can cloud our objectivity. We can get so emotionally entangled that solutions escape us. And I agree with you, just saying things will get better (magically?) on their own is not realistic and could be completely foolhardy. React in a self fulfilling way to every situation. I wish you well.
  3. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Hiya Lintu,

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I won't insult you by trying to pretend I empathise when I don't even know you're story, but I just wanted to let you know that like everyone else I'm here to listen if you need to vent some more and if you want to talk about your situation. My PM is always available if you want privacy, and if nothing else I am happy to be a shoulder to cry on, even if it is virtually.

    What studying did you do, if you don't mind me asking?

    Be safe and know that you're not alone. We are all human and have done things that would be considered bad by some, but having been a member longer than I have you probably know by now that there is no judgement here.

    {{Hedgehugs}} and I hope you can find a smile today.
  4. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    Thank you both for replying. I have actually written my story on here a while back in July I think. Not sure if you'd be able to find it.

    @Sand and Sun Funny you mentioned a life coach because I have been seeing someone that basically just listens to my rants. A lot of the times I find it hard to open up my feelings to a stranger so I do joke a lot. I've had counselling but found that it wasn't helping and I didn't connect with my counsellor one single bit.

    It's been a while since my last appointment with the therapist. They're away for the month so yeah I'm finding it hard to get by.

    @Karmitkurmit I'm a fully qualified technician but I lost my job last year and ever since then my life has been pretty down hill. I've only recently started to look for work in January as I really am struggling financially and I only have myself to depend on as I live alone.

    I feel pretty pathetic that I'm back here, jobless, no friends, no family. Nothing to live for. I tell myself that I can keep carrying on but days like this I just want to be gone and no one seems to understand why. I've got nothing to my name.
  5. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    I'll see if I can find your story Lintu, I'm not very good at internet stuff but I'm getting there!

    If you don't mind me asking, technician in what? Technically I'm an electrical technician, although engineer is used a lot here (not sure where you're from).

    I too live alone, although only since November. I was left with a pretty expensive mortgage and bills, no friends, and issues that don't allow me to connect with my family very well, so as much as I don't pretend to be suffering like you are, I do somewhat empathise with you. Even with a job I'm struggling to the point I don't have heating at the moment, but I am thankful to have a roof over my head. Even with all that though, I still feel like I've got something to live for and if you search your heart I'm sure you do too. How is the job hunting going?

    Please don't think you're pathetic because of this. If anything our struggles make us stronger than most. I promise I won't tell you it's going to get better if that's not what you need, but I am here to walk beside you whilst you find your way, and catch you when you stumble. So many people here say that it's just "virtual" (not that you have, I know), but we are real people who completely understand why you don't feel like you can carry on; but to recognise this as one of those days means you must have something to compare it to and know that there are brighter times to be had. You do have friends and family, and I'm now going to be cheeky enough to consider myself one of them! I lean on the SF mob so much and they have saved me more than once.

    I feel like giving up daily, but we're both still here and I hope that means as much to you as it does me. X
    Petal likes this.
  6. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    I forgot to put vehicle after technician. But yeah I used to work on cars. But obviously now I don't apart from on my own car but I've fixed and done everything I could on my car. So I literally have nothing to do. I even bought myself a kitten because I wanted a companion. He's a sweetheart but when he wants to he can piss me right off by scratching and biting the wires and my curtains..

    I appreciate your support I do. And I am grateful for having a home because I was homeless twice before. But every time I try to pick myself up again, I just get right back down because of all the shitty thinking and being alone pretty much my whole life. I've had to deal with depression for 13 years and let me tell you, it doesn't get easier. Last year I commited suicide three times and that was hitting rock bottom. So trust me when I tell you and others before I'm really trying to get out of this bubble but funny that now I'm looking for work nothing has come my way. I only had one interview and I never heard back from them.
  7. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    P.s it's on page 46 on my story titled; this is my story.
  8. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Oh I know what kittens can be like!! But they are incredible companions and when they grow up they just want to sit on your lap and purr!

    You're a mechanic?? I am so totally jealous and impressed! I always wanted to be one but fell into the maintenance trade out of necessity. I'm nowhere near your league but I have been fixing things since I was a kid, and cars/bikes since I could hold a spanner. You've started something now!! I started with Minis and moved onto Land Rovers and bikes, but I still have my first car (Mini) which is in bits at the moment. What do you drive, if I may ask?

    You've been homeless? Oh I'm so sorry hun, I didn't mean to be insensitive and I certainly wasn't comparing our issues. It does highlight how strong a person you are though, to have gone through all that and still be fighting today, even if you are down at the moment. I don't honestly know how long I've had depression, having only faced it now that everything has gone to the dogs, but I do know that thirteen years is a long time. If my experience has taught me anything it's that life tends to throw us curve balls when we least need it, and although I can't offer you any solace I do hope that something good comes your way soon. I don't doubt for a second that you are trying to get out of this bubble,

    What corner of the world are you from?

    I will be finding your story tomorrow as I've got all day to give it my full attention.
  9. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    I used to work for Mercedes-Benz and various makes previous to that company. I have to be honest, MB has way too much control units and quite frankly you can't recognise anything under the bonnet these days. I prefer cars that were older, I own a vw mk4 golf. I've had it for over a year now. It had many problems before I bought it but I fixed it all.

    Believe me don't be jealous, it was hard work especially being the only female in class and on the workshop floor. And now look where I'm at. I barely have any experience because of some peoples attitudes towards females so getting back in the industry was a hard decision to make because I wanted to quit it all. It'll make more sense once you've read my story. To be honest, I only want to go back in it because I don't like anyone working on my car but myself and I don't have the means that a garage would have. That's my only motivation now, I still have some passion but my confidence has been gone since I lost my job.

    I'm from the UK, in London. It's been snowing heavily here but I love the snow. It's a shame it's all gone now. Snow makes everything so beautiful in my opinion.
  10. Lintu

    Lintu Dream all day

    P.s I've been watching x-men the 90s series and friends. Actually helps me to forget the thoughts in my head. My kitten has been driving me nuts now and again but at least he's with me. He loves sleeping on my chest and even slept on my face. Haha. Just now he was scratching something and as soon as I got up and saw what he was doing he ran like the wind. He knows every time when hes being naughty that's why he runs from me. That actually made me laugh though. The little bugga.
  11. brightshen

    brightshen Active Member

    If you click on a poster's name, a little box will show up. Go to where it says messages and click on the number. You can see all the posters previous posts. It's an easy way to go back and look at what they wrote in past posts.
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
    Karmitkurmit likes this.
  12. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Well I can imagine it can't be easy in a male orientated job, same as most trades I suppose, but I am still jealous! And yes, I prefer old vehicles too. I remember countless times having to stop on the hard shoulder and clean the contact points of my Mini's dizzy cap to get her going again! LOL. Good days.
    Sadly I now have to reside myself to the fact that I need something more reliable for commuting as I live in Wales and need the transport. I have a Honda VFR1200 bike, and am looking for a Volvo XC90 to replace my old Disco 300tdi; but I won't give up on my Mini no matter what life throws my way!

    I understand the problems you must face in the industry, my mum was the 88th female London Black Cab driver and had a lot of prejudice to deal with. Ultimately, passion is all you need to survive. If you've still got that then it's a start. Remember how unique you are and keep striving to prove any doubters wrong.

    I'm from Kent originally, but worked in the city most of my life, only moving to Wales five years ago. I love the snow too, although I think England (or Eastern Europe as the Welsh call it!) has had more than Wales this year.

    I love Friends and Big Bang Theory although I haven't watched them for a while now. I also like anything Sy-Fy, but I mainly watch British Sitcoms like Only Fools or more recently the Inbetweeners. I don't have a TV licence as I don't like a lot of modern stuff, so it's really just DVD's or music for me. I've spent so much time on SF lately that TV just doesn't come into it anymore. I'm glad you have something to distract you though, and your kitten sounds adorable! I've been thinking of getting a pet for some company and a cat is on the list, but at the moment I'm leaning toward either ferrets (which I've had before) or an African Pygmy Hedgehog.

    Sorry for the slightly late and rushed reply; I've been in chat and am now off to bed as I've gotta be up early tomorrow. I will read your story tomorrow and get back to you more thoroughly then.

    Stay safe Lintu and it's great to meet you. X
  13. Karmitkurmit

    Karmitkurmit King of the Hedge SF Supporter

    Thank you for the tip Brightshen, that's very helpful :) {{Hedgehugs}}
  14. brightshen

    brightshen Active Member

    I read your story. I'm sorry you have had such a rough time. I know this will sound trite but you are so young, you will have many chances to have a great life. Don't give up. I do believe that you will find a job, meet new people and life can get better. I was out of work for a long time and work in a field with very few jobs. I felt hopeless, depressed and very suicidal but then I ended up getting a part time job in my field last summer. I work on a contract basis, last year I made very little money and that would get me so down. I was sure there was no point in even bothering. In January things changed dramatically, my co worker quit and I was brought on full time and took over her work. This year it's a whole different story, I'm earning good money and getting busier. I'm not saying that to rub it in, my point is that things change. If you give up you will never have a chance to see that life can improve. The only constant in life is change.
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2018
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  15. Heavens Heart

    Heavens Heart Well-Known Member

  16. foreverbeach11

    foreverbeach11 Well-Known Member

    Hi Lintu. I know that sometimes there are days when the pressures of life seem to be overwhelming. I remember being unemployed for a very long time and felt hopeless. You are here and just know that there are people who care about you. You are writing and expressing yourself which is a step in the right direction. None of us are perfect and we have all made mistakes. Even after making mistakes, there is still hope for your future. If you want to get back to fixing cars, I say go for it! It may take several interviews before you get hired or maybe not but once you start interviewing, maybe it will build up your confidence. I believe in you. I love cars and admire those who know how to fix them. I finally found a new job and it did take many interviews before I was hired.
  17. Heavens Heart

    Heavens Heart Well-Known Member

    I' so sorry for your pain which is understandable please keep applying could you try outlying area where you I've hugs and love to you
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