Back to Square One

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by exilant, Mar 31, 2013.

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  1. exilant

    exilant Member

    Hello everyone,

    I am 33 years old, German (living in Germany) and my Indian fiancé (I like it international) just dumped me 3 weeks ago.

    We were together for four, partly really hard, years and he decided to let go of me basically one day before I was to enter the plane and move to his country. All my things are on their way to Mumbai, and since him and I planned to get me working as a freelance Business Trainer over there (my absolute dream job) and we only waited to get our clearance to get married I didn´t work in Germany for the last 1 1/2 years. We never anticipated that it would take so long, it could have taken only 3 month to get the papers, hence me not working, or better only working on training content for the business overseas.

    I must say that one of the reasons he let go of me was the fact that I am a Borderliner and had a serious scene 5 weeks ago (after being stable for 1 1/2 years!). I understand that it is difficult to live with someone like me. I understand that I am a challenge. But I thought that we could make it, I really did. There is more to the story but I am in no state to narrate everything right now.

    Now I sit here, without a partner, without my things, still in my mother´s house (who is kind enough to let me stay on but suffers from depressions herself and it makes me feel guilty that I don´t only screw my life, but also hers), without a job.

    I am scared shitless about my job perspective - even though I am smart, well educated with a couple extra certificates to show. But I want to work in a field which is, well, f**ked because of the economic crisis and even though I am currently straight out lying on my CV it might be that my international work experience is not an asset but rather a problem to future employers.

    I do sent out job applications. But this is all I do. I didn´t leave the house for nearly two weeks, showering is a problem, cleaning up too. I either have panic attacks over my future or I am just in physical and emotional pain over the loss of my partner. If ending it would be easy I and I wouldn´t be such a coward I´d be gone by now. But I am afraid of what comes after plus I can´t put my mother through more I hang on...and pray...and hang on.

  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Sounds like you've had a really hard time, is this something you can talk to the doctors about maybe get some support for? I hope you is some support here take care of you
  3. exilant

    exilant Member

    Thanks for the welcome.

    I am off health insurance right now. I quit everything here in order to move to India.

    When going back on health insurance I´d have to pay $500 - $1000 because it´s illegal in Germany to stay without it. Which in itself is a good thing (if your unemployed and broke the state will take care of this) but I have some little savings left and don´t want to waste them on paying a fine.

    Currently I see my best bet in landing a job...that way I would get kinda stable and independent again - it also would give me some of self worth and pride back I lost.

    However, if my situation doesn´t get better soon I guess I will have to get the insurance and find a doc who prescribes me anti-depressants (I was on them one or two years ago). I am not looking at therapy right now because I honestly think that would destabilize me further. I want to make therapy sessions about my (sometimes) dysfunctional behavior and my problems within relationships and the end of the relationship with the Indian (which is and will continue to be traumatic) and NOT about my desperation being on a job hunt...Not sure if that makes sense to you:)

    So, thanks again. I´ll see you around...
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you going through a lot right now.
    Can you distract or do something that will take your mind off it for a while i hope it helps
  5. exilant

    exilant Member

    I do read the "Unemployment Stories" on is not really entertaining but reminds me that there are people out there who have it worse than me. Even though I am depressed as hell I am at least healthy otherwise. And to some degree I still have hope that I will turn the wheel around. I write my two applications letters (customized and position-tailored) every day (that takes usually some hours) and of course search the net for job offers. I watch some TV but concentrating is a bit difficult right now.

    The biggest enemy is actually the morning hours. When I wake up and the whole situation hits me and the thoughts start to race.

    But I know that when I get out of this then there is basically NOTHING that will get me back on my knees. Word!
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