Back to Square One.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ManWithoutAName, Sep 8, 2012.

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  1. For the first time in a very long time I set out on my own with the idea of giving myself some well needed quality alone time. I set out with the idea it's going to be a good day, and nothing could take it away from me. I went to the mall and got myself some lunch, did a little shopping, and later today I've got a nice run lined up.

    Just when I thought nothing could bring me down, I run into the one thing I just couldn't cope with. Having not seeing my abusive ex-girlfriend for the better part of three years I run into her at the grocery store. It's like my whole world came crashing down and the dark clouds just came rolling in.

    It's not that I want her back, I'd rather be hung from the tallest tree in my yard by my toenails in the middle of the hottest Texas summer than subject myself to that pain again. I didn't notice her until I was just about to walk past her. Our eyes locked for just a moment. I don't think she even recognized me, though.

    It hurt. It's like the four years we were together just struck me, square in the chest, like a ton of bricks. All of the ugly words, the insults, the insistence I'll never amount to anything or be anybody, that I'm just dead weight; all of the holidays with her family where they all sat around taking turns making fun of me. It was all I could do to hold on to the arm full of things I was carrying.

    I was finally feeling like I'm getting somewhere and moving on. Now I feel like I'm just back to the beginning. If this is some sort of test from the universe, I've failed. It's that feeling knowing she's able to move on, and I can't get anywhere.

    I'm a fairly outgoing guy, but for the life of me I can't seem to find somebody to share my life with. I've been on one date since we broke up. I met her as a friend of a friend. We'd talked for a month or so online and seemed to hit it off. Within the first ten minutes of meeting her for the first time face to face I was put down for not being tall enough, my voice wasn't deep enough, I was disgusting for drinking Red Bull for breakfast, and I'm not going to work out because I have difficultly hearing. That was, strangely, followed up a couple of hours later with her randomly bringing up she wants to have my babies. I can laugh about that now, but it just seems to be the same pattern over and over with women.

    Since then it's just been me. I'll get to know women and we'll seem to hit it off and we'll make plans to meet up, and they'll stand me up. No heads up, "Hey, I can't make it, maybe some other time." They just don't show up. It's always the same story, "I think you're nice, you're a great guy, and I wish there were more guys like you because you're really sweet. . . but I'm not interested in you."

    What's is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me I'm not deserving of being loved? I don't think I can keep going on like this.
  2. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you had a rough day today - I'm going to break your message down a little if that's okay...

    First, I disagree with the last part of this statement:

    And this is why:

    You have moved on with your life. You weren't at home pining for her. You were out living, taking time for yourself, making plans.

    I don't want to invalidate how you're feeling right now. It sounds like this really hit you out of nowhere though, and part of your reaction is probably being caught off-guard. It sounds like the relationship was very traumatic, and like any trauma, suddenly being reminded of it can be very jarring. In my own experience with trauma, when I'm faced with a sudden, unexpected reminder of a very bad accident I had, part of me relives the trauma and I'm mentally brought to my knees. But that doesn't mean that I haven't moved on from the trauma in my life - I go about my day and do what I need to do without fear.

    This doesn't have to completely derail you. Take the time you need today to regroup - and don't forget about that run - and then try to move on to the next day.

    As for the general relationship issue, I'm afraid I haven't got a clue about that (I've only been in one) so I'll need to let someone else offer some perspective there. I would certainly NOT say that you're not deserving of love though.
  3. Thanks, dragonfly : }. I think I'm bouncing back now. I fell pretty hard there, the trip back home was a bit of a blur, and I was absolutely falling apart when I wrote this. Sometimes I have a tough time stepping back and seeing things for what they are, and I have a tendency to be really hard on myself.

    Hahaha, didn't forget about that run! I was supposed to get in 26 miles, but only got 17. Not quite what I was shooting for, but I think I'll still file it away as a personal win. Time to reboot! I think I'm going to get a nice hot bath, get a good night's sleep, and try again tomorrow. Who knows, tomorrow could be the day I meet my special somebody.

    Nothing like a little love tap from life to remind ya you're still human, and remind you you're still vulnerable, eh.
  4. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    Love that's what they call it, eh? LOL - well, it sounds like you're on your way back up from it, which is great news. And did I read that correctly?? You were planning on running 26 miles?? Dear God, that's a marathon! I highly commend you for even attempting that, and 17 miles isn't anything to sneeze at, that's for sure!

    Glad to hear you're feeling better - and yes, tomorrow could be the day.... :)
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, I couldn't manage to run one single mile........ :)

    Ace, you are very, very deserving of love and of finding a girl who isn't fickle - don't let this past experience you've had put you off ever trying again - take from it the lessons......... I reckon the reason girls act like this is that inside they are confused themselves, especially if they've had previous crap dealt to them by life. It's a perverse way of them trying to stay in control, but does nobody any good, especially them.

    Not all women are like that - most want to feel and to give genuine affection. However, this being the goal, there are things we can learn to make this more likely to happen, instead of relying upon assumptions about how things are supposed to be (which I did for far too long, but didn't know what else to do, or where to look, or - indeed, how to learn!).

    But having this experience under your hat, will stand you in good stead for the future, if you can look at it in a positive light :)
  6. Thanks, Precious : }. I think I can do that : ). I think I can step back and put things in a positive light and take a lesson. Stepping back I think I'm seeing little patterns. May be time to rethink my approach o_O .

    Thanks for the motivation :}!
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