For the first time in a very long time I set out on my own with the idea of giving myself some well needed quality alone time. I set out with the idea it's going to be a good day, and nothing could take it away from me. I went to the mall and got myself some lunch, did a little shopping, and later today I've got a nice run lined up. Just when I thought nothing could bring me down, I run into the one thing I just couldn't cope with. Having not seeing my abusive ex-girlfriend for the better part of three years I run into her at the grocery store. It's like my whole world came crashing down and the dark clouds just came rolling in. It's not that I want her back, I'd rather be hung from the tallest tree in my yard by my toenails in the middle of the hottest Texas summer than subject myself to that pain again. I didn't notice her until I was just about to walk past her. Our eyes locked for just a moment. I don't think she even recognized me, though. It hurt. It's like the four years we were together just struck me, square in the chest, like a ton of bricks. All of the ugly words, the insults, the insistence I'll never amount to anything or be anybody, that I'm just dead weight; all of the holidays with her family where they all sat around taking turns making fun of me. It was all I could do to hold on to the arm full of things I was carrying. I was finally feeling like I'm getting somewhere and moving on. Now I feel like I'm just back to the beginning. If this is some sort of test from the universe, I've failed. It's that feeling knowing she's able to move on, and I can't get anywhere. I'm a fairly outgoing guy, but for the life of me I can't seem to find somebody to share my life with. I've been on one date since we broke up. I met her as a friend of a friend. We'd talked for a month or so online and seemed to hit it off. Within the first ten minutes of meeting her for the first time face to face I was put down for not being tall enough, my voice wasn't deep enough, I was disgusting for drinking Red Bull for breakfast, and I'm not going to work out because I have difficultly hearing. That was, strangely, followed up a couple of hours later with her randomly bringing up she wants to have my babies. I can laugh about that now, but it just seems to be the same pattern over and over with women. Since then it's just been me. I'll get to know women and we'll seem to hit it off and we'll make plans to meet up, and they'll stand me up. No heads up, "Hey, I can't make it, maybe some other time." They just don't show up. It's always the same story, "I think you're nice, you're a great guy, and I wish there were more guys like you because you're really sweet. . . but I'm not interested in you." What's is wrong with me? What is so wrong with me I'm not deserving of being loved? I don't think I can keep going on like this.