I haven't been in this place for a long time it seems. Didn't think that I would be anytime soon either, but I guess there were some things I hadn't considered. Certain sides of my husband that I end up seeing sometimes, I just fucking despise. Like, there's no other way to describe it. He just makes me feel so alone and confused that I can't even think of what to say to describe how I feel that make sense. There's two possibilities here, either he's just a piece of shit who won't stop verbally abusing me or I'm a complete and utter nutcase for letting it affect me so much to the point that I want to off myself. I don't know...both seem to be very possible. And I mean, I'm not perfect myself...I know I'm psychotic, I know I can be controlling, I know I can be selfish, but there are certain things that I have to deal with from him on a monthly and sometimes weekly basis that shouldn't be happening more than once or twice per someone's entire lifetime. For most people, these are very rare circumstances, and for me, it's something I have to be worried about ALL THE TIME. And no, I'm not going to excuse it just because you think it's not your fault. Guess what, your fault or not, it still constantly happens, so you're damn right I'm going to be pissed off about it because it shouldn't be like that. You say that's the way you are and that's the type of situations you end up getting yourself into and I chose to marry you so I shouldn't bitch about it. Well fuck you cause I could say the same to you then...you certainly shouldn't bitch about a lot of shit about me since you chose to marry me but you still do and you make me feel worthless in the process. But yet if I do the same thing I'm wrong for it and should be more understanding? Fuck you. You don't know the meaning of understanding when it's vice versa so why should I bother doing it for you? I just feel like I can't stand my marriage anymore, I can't stand my life, and I can't stand myself and even though it's been a while since I felt this way, I want to die again because I can't take any of it anymore. I'm hurting so bad lately, I don't know what I can trust and what I can't and all I get is told that everything is always my fault and I'm a nutcase and I make myself the way I am. And hearing that all the time over and over again makes me think that maybe I should do it. Though I know it's going to take something even worse happening for me to actually make that final decision to do so, so for now I just took a few sleeping pills to hopefully knock me out so I don't have to think or feel for the rest of the day.