I had another breakdown. I am not even sure what happened exactly. I was out with friends for a couple of drinks, and I literally had a couple over about 6 hours. We were on our way to a different bar when I was separated from them, and had no idea how to get there. I started walking home through central London, and this guy started harassing me, and I got really upset. I tried calling my emergency after hours number and they answered, only to say they were busy and to call another number. Well, in the middle of the city in tears I had no pen and paper on me to write down another number to call. Another friend found me and insisted on taking me to A&E, as I had been really low all day and just wanted to go home and end it all. She took me to the A&E and checked me in, and then left, as she had to get the train home. I didn't want to be there, i was upset and not thinking straight, but just wanted to be home by myself, so I left. I didn't even think to tell anyone. Next thing I know I am woken at 2am by my terrified flatmate and two huge ambulance officers in my bedroom trying to take me back to hospital! I talked them out of it, and luckily my best friend whom I live with got home, and they let me stay in his care. He has been sleeping in my room every night, and will barely let me out of his sight he is so worried. The worst thing is I still want to kill myself. I am waiting to this weekend to sort things out, then I'm going to tell him I'm away a few days so he doesn't worry when I don't come home, and then I will do it, I have it all planned. Even tonight, I waited until he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and burned my leg with a lighter about 20 times in about 3 minutes. I just can't control myself anymore. And I know, with me behaving like this, as good and kind and darling as he is, he won't be able to cope with me, no one should have to put up with this behaviour, and he will leave me. Everyone else who has ever been with me through these episodes has left me. He will too. And that will be the final straw, I cannot lose him. I love him so much. I need to end it, before I lose him and it is too late.