Back to the A&E

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jessiebelle, Aug 2, 2011.

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  1. jessiebelle

    jessiebelle Member

    I had another breakdown. I am not even sure what happened exactly. I was out with friends for a couple of drinks, and I literally had a couple over about 6 hours. We were on our way to a different bar when I was separated from them, and had no idea how to get there. I started walking home through central London, and this guy started harassing me, and I got really upset. I tried calling my emergency after hours number and they answered, only to say they were busy and to call another number. Well, in the middle of the city in tears I had no pen and paper on me to write down another number to call. Another friend found me and insisted on taking me to A&E, as I had been really low all day and just wanted to go home and end it all.

    She took me to the A&E and checked me in, and then left, as she had to get the train home. I didn't want to be there, i was upset and not thinking straight, but just wanted to be home by myself, so I left. I didn't even think to tell anyone. Next thing I know I am woken at 2am by my terrified flatmate and two huge ambulance officers in my bedroom trying to take me back to hospital! I talked them out of it, and luckily my best friend whom I live with got home, and they let me stay in his care. He has been sleeping in my room every night, and will barely let me out of his sight he is so worried.

    The worst thing is I still want to kill myself. I am waiting to this weekend to sort things out, then I'm going to tell him I'm away a few days so he doesn't worry when I don't come home, and then I will do it, I have it all planned.

    Even tonight, I waited until he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and burned my leg with a lighter about 20 times in about 3 minutes. I just can't control myself anymore.

    And I know, with me behaving like this, as good and kind and darling as he is, he won't be able to cope with me, no one should have to put up with this behaviour, and he will leave me. Everyone else who has ever been with me through these episodes has left me. He will too. And that will be the final straw, I cannot lose him. I love him so much. I need to end it, before I lose him and it is too late.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member


    I kind of understand the pain you feel about wanting to die. What has caused all the problems?

    Are you under the care of anyone?

  3. jessiebelle

    jessiebelle Member

    I have been feeling really badly depressed for about two months now, the worst I've had in the 10 years since I was diagnosed, and suicidal at least a month. This is my third time in hospital over 4 weeks.

    A number of things contributed to me breaking down about a month ago - my Mum leaving the UK for NZ, being fired from my job, lots of friends moving on from the UK, a really bad financial situation, unrequited love for my best friend...and just general depression...just feeling that there is absolutely nothing in my life, ever, to look forward to, there is nothing to enjoy, I have no plans, no hopes, no dreams, no future...I am just an empty, worthless, shell.

    I am under the care of the local crisis mental health team, but they will discharge me in a few weeks as they only do short term care.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Next time you go out - NEVER become separated from your mates.

    Some guy will always pester a lone woman - in London? Its almost so bad I'd carry a gun if I was a woman there.

    Anyhow - thankfully your safe - making a fuss was a good thing and your safe now.

    If you have people looking over you - they do care. The trouble is sometimes the best intentions of friends are not enough because unless someone has been this way or has an extraordinary kind of empathy - its hard to be a carer for extended periods.

    Well at least you got here - and can open up a little as you are doing.

    You put all your 'challenges' in one big pile and it looks bad. Finances, jobs, relationships and battling with a spate of depression. Your mum leaving for NZ must be hard also.

    But as ever - you cannot deal with problems in a big pile - make it a list because that is simple.

    Bad as things are - you can get help in the UK and we have safety nets and you need people to investigate benefits and so on - apply for a grant - there are options and we can deal with them when you get a bit better.

    For now - look after yourself - shower, clean the clothes - do whatever you'd do to look nice working. Get some sleep to recover from the shock you had - more like a mini nervous breakdown which - lets face it - was caused by some drunk man - the sort who likely need shooting - but the jury is out I guess.

    He saw you were upset - and THAT sadly, is a green light for the dregs of society to harass you.

    It could have been a nice man. Who called a taxi and paid - and bid you goodnight. You may have went home, went to bed and not had the incident.

    Actually its good you did - because at least you accept you do need a little help.

    The UK - its not so bad. Some nations would just leave you in the street - that will not happen to you - you have a place to stay - you have friends - you have options that don't have to end in you taking your life.

    You do want to be alive right? I mean - life got better - something lucky happens - I better check my lottery to see. Never play usually - but thought "even I got to get lucky"

    Hope things improve over the hours and days to come.

    Keep posting!

    Regards and best wishes.

    News just in - the Euro lottery!!!!!

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 2, 2011
  5. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    I often feel abandoned and lane as well. Last year my wife walked out on me and moved back in with her mom after I went into the hospital. Wen I go out with friends I feel like a burden and that people bring me out because of pity. What sucks is part of me knows that those voices are part of a sickness, they are lying and they deceive. I wish I could hold onto that.

    Do you have prospects for follow up care after the short term help ends? I am not sure what the UK system is like but there must at the very least be some free or low cost support groups out there. If not you have us.
    :hazel: :sheep2:
  6. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    I'm really sorry you're going through all this.. sounds really scary to have been stuck in central London alone, ending up in A&E and then being awoken by ambulance crew trying to take you back to the hospital. It really sounds like you've hit rock bottom and have had a lot of things happen to you in a short time, it's understandable that you're finding life unbearable. Does the crisis team know how you're feeling? I wonder if they'd be able to refer you to another service once they discharge you from theirs?

    Really hope things improve for you soon.. keep writing here if it helps but I'd also encourage you to talk to your friend/GP/crisis team/someone about just how bad things are for you. I hear your fear or rejection and abandonment but maybe try to talk to a range of different people so that if one lets you down, there are others there to help continue supporting you.

    Jenny x
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