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Back to the Beginning

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S8pxph

Active Member
#1
So, today I was thinking about the first time I ever thought about suicide. I can't remember the exact date because I was 11 and had been depressed for some time leading up to it. Since then, more things have happened to add to my depression, but I think what started it was the severe bullying. I can't think of a single day from the time I was 5 to the time I was 13 where my peers didn't insult, alienate, and downright emotionally abuse me. My mom was still in school and my dad was always busy, so I had no one to go to. When I was little, people hadn't realized how bad bullying was yet, so all my teachers told me I was being too sensitive and brushed it off. I wish I had been a stronger person so I could have handled it better, but I'm realizing that those other kids were what caused my depression. Children are very impressionable, and to be told that no one likes you or that you're ugly or stupid every day as a child can have a real effect on self perception. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be a normal person. Yeah, I've had a lot of other traumas in my life, but I wouldn't HATE myself as thoroughly as I do if it weren't for my childhood. It makes me angry that something like this has affected me so much. It makes me angry to think that if people weren't so mean, I wouldn't be so broken.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, just thinking about it was really pissing me off and I wanted to get it out. But you know what? I guess everything I've experienced has helped in one way: I could never be cruel to anyone in my life.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Hugs to you hun I am sorry people were so cruel to you but our past does teach us to be more kind and tolerant towards others as we know their pain
 

jimk

Staff Alumni
#3
realizing you never want to do to others what you had to go thru is really good.. but at same time it is necessary to realize the crap you were exposed to is mostly the work of young kids who did not have a clue and know better.

hopefully this is longtime over nwo and time to try to get some people close to you who will do the opposite now.. take care, Jim
 

S8pxph

Active Member
#4
Thanks Jim and eclipse. I just had to get it out because it makes me so angry that other people began my depression just because they're inconsiderate. I haven't been bullied since grade school, but unfortunately I haven't been able to find much better people. All my friends eventually mistreat me or just abandon me, which has furthered my depression over the years. It's been difficult to form good relationships so far, but I mean I'm still young. I've got a lot of people I haven't met yet. I'm still holding out hope that someday I'll have a group of good people that will stick with me, I just have to get through this phase first.
 
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