Back where I started.... Trigger warning

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by princessofelegance, Jul 14, 2015.

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  1. princessofelegance

    princessofelegance Well-Known Member

    So this November it'll be 10 years of self harming. Where have all the years gone? Why am I stuck with scars which will never go? Constant reminder of the pain i've felt and am still going through. So much has changed in my life since the last time I logged on. I've gotten engaged, my fiance is living with me. We have an okay-ish life. Lately though he's been very down, and it's been a hard slog trying to get him to go to the doctor because he's clearly depressed and I know its partly my fault and my Emotionally unstable personality disorder. It's ground him down. Constant self harm, suicide attempts and I think he loves me so much it's just hurt him and got him down amongst a very long list of other things which are making him very sad right now. Im trying to be there for him and all i can think about is self harming. I havent self harmed for 2 months and even then it was nothing like i used to. it used to be so bad, deep and would often get infections because i didnt seek medical assistance.
    All i want to do is feel that rush again, feel the adrenaline again. Feel the pain bleed out of me and onto the floor. Am i just putting myself under too much pressure to look after him, clearly i need ot look after myself for a little while. But i've just forgotten how, i've nearly never looked after myself or done anything for myself positively.
    The dreams and fantasies about self harming are driving me insane. All i can see during the day is me doing it, the blood. All i dream is even worse.
    Unsure what to do next......
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi hun, first of all congratulations on the engagement, have ye got a date set or wedding plans underway?

    It must be very difficult that both of you are depression, it's harder to life one up when the other is down too :( Maybe relationship counselling would benefit you and him?

    Sorry you are feeling so crappy, you can beat this though, I did and you can too.

    Are you and your boyfriend being treated by professionals?

    You do not deserve this suffering, we're here for you and will try and help you through it!
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