If anyone knew me here by now (which i doubt because really i know no one here, and that;s my fault) they'd know a little bit about how i work. i feel better, then i hit a bump and i feel worse again even if its the tiniest bump. i ruin things over and over all the while putting no effort in my part to make sure things stay together or go well, relying on someone to take care of me, like a child. doing something stupid all the while knowing that it's stupid or not doing something knowing a should. im acting like a scared little boy but im not supposed to be. i have no direction, motivation or drive. after a long long time of talking to nobody i briefly talked to an old friend of mine through msn and she said one thing while we talked "you have to make life happen". Obviously I have no intentions to make it happen and plan to mooch off my family my whole life. i really cant do that. if watching, listening and paying attention to people has taught me if i looked at a persons life from the outside id see mine as reached its peak. there's not much to really comprehend. theres too many qualities of me that i hate and i cant deal with life. i understand life is supposed to be hard i guess but me, a person like me doesn't really have a chance in hell in surviving alone. this is the first time i really thought of doing this after my last attempt. ive started cutting occasionally again. i had really believed since then maybe things would get better maybe i could change, perhaps i could change things too. but i cant i guess i have no real reason to or something. like i really know much about myself anyway.