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Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by DoesNotExist, Nov 13, 2008.

  1. DoesNotExist

    DoesNotExist Member

    I haven't been on in a while. I've had a lot to deal with which I will get to later. But my grandmother seems to be getting more ill as time goes by, which to me appears to be a result of losing my grandfather (her husband) and my father(her son) in one year. I don't blame her, for if in my position I feel like I want to just die sometimes, I can't imagine what it's like for her. I'm worried, because I don't want to lose the last caring grandparent I have so soon after the others (the only grandparent I have left other than her is my grandmother in Brazil who couldn't care less.) Well, if it's her time, then it's her time I guess. Just because I understand that these things have happened doesn't mean that I'm alright in relation to them. Sometimes I think I just need to shut up and remember that my problems could be so much worse, which once again brings me to think that I would do so much better in a place where I could sleep forever and not worry about anything or anyone and nobody would have to worry or care about me. I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. Just babbling..
     
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    It is hard for your grandmother and it must also be hard for you losing your father. If on the other hand you would sleep forever, wouldn't she and the rest of your family grieve so much?
     
  3. gitana

    gitana SF Friend & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi! First you are not babbling. I am glad that you are talking it out with us here. You are tired, dealing with so much all at once. I am extremely to hear about your grandmother, who is ill, and losing your grandfather and your father. Wow!! That is way more than difficult.. I completely understand. I have had much loss in my life. Often, it hasn't been one at a time.. but several people/family/close friends.. I remember my grandmother, who was very ill.. and I happened to live across the street from the hospital she was taken too.. For 70 days.. It was very difficult..she lingered on. I was very close to her growing up.. and I know from my experience, speaking from my experience with loss.. that you may be right about your grandmother losing both her husband and her son (your father) in one year. I have been there too with family members.. and most likely on top of everything in life you may be dealing with.. I don't know why but it seems with me, it comes all at once.. where others, have different experiences, of not as much loss in their life all at once.. although they are grieving just as much, it is really difficult to grieve when so much has happened and circumstances in life and also dealing at the same time with losing family members.. or illness..

    I know that your grandmother may be getting worse. if you can.. spend as much time with her as you can..even though, she may think that she won't know that you are there or can talk.. if you are not up to it.. it is okay.. sometimes taking a break also, and difficult to see a loved one in this way..
    I know.. been there alot..to me.. because of dealing with many losses.. I felt it was important to be there, just be.. by their side, or talk to them.. people thought I was strange, or obessed with death.. NO.. I understood it.. I studied it.. been there many times as I stated.. still is not easy.. at all.. However, because, I was there.. it helped me.. how can I expain? Not everyone is capable of handling a person/family member.. being ill so some people can't handle going to hospitals, funerals, etc.

    I understand how much hon, you would like to die also.. You have alot of pain you are dealing with and never minimize it.. Grieving is hard and difficult, painful to go through.. A grief recovery class I went to.. in my early 20's, writing about loss.. I had 5 long pages to everyone's 1 page.. The grief counselor couldn't believe it.. for whatever reason, it has been a part of my life.. since I was 5.

    Just think, how much your grandmother's love is for you and for her husband, and your dad.. sometimes, a person can die of a broken heart.. and illness sets in too.. again speaking from my experience of so much loss at one time.. it seemed like the hospital was my second home many times.. you know, it helped me, although, still difficult to come to terms with, when a loved one is ill or passes away..it is important to when ready to go through the grief.. because it is a process and I am sorry to say hon, that there is no easy road.. The sooner one deals with grief, the better later it will be.. the more one prolongs dealing with it, then it will be more difficult to deal with.. I know.. my experience.. one can go get loaded to deal with their pain.. or in other ways, but it will never go away until one can learn to deal with it..and most of all have support from others.. I didn't.. never did.. always people felt that I was the strong person.. well, hon, you know.. it is okay.. I am very happy that you opened up and told us about your grandmother.. and your grandfather and father.. Please, please keep sharing with us, or talking to someone you trust that you can open up to, if you have anyone, or feel free to PM me if you want.. It is very difficult to face this alone..and sometimes it helps to talk it out or through with someone.. Remember it takes time to grieve, so much at one time.. and it would be wonderful if your grandmother could be touched and get better.. Grieving is a process and don't believe or let anyone tell you that you need to just get over it! It isn't that simple. everyone is different.. for now, if you are up to it, spend time with your grandmother, I think, if she gets worse and something happens, you will be glad you did later.. even if she can't talk.. (I know also how that is) I really hope that she pulls through and gets better.. sometimes that has happened.. (from experience but sadly not always the case for the most part) I feel your pain deeply.. and I am sending good thoughts/prayers your way that you will make it through this.. and for your grandmother.. never feel guilty if it is too much for you to be there for her.. like I said it is difficult for some people to handle dealing with someone who is ill/or may not make it.. it is okay.. if you feel that way..

    I know that you feel that you also want to die.. That is normal.. it hurts so deeply..

    I am very sorry to hear about your grandmother in Brazil.. Do you have a family/mother who is there for you/cares about you? They may or may not understand about what your grandmother is going through or what you are dealing with.. it is like, from my experience, get over it.. doesn't happen that way.. part of life.. never had anyone to talk to.

    Think of the wonderful memories you have with your grandmother.. keep a journal/write it down/... your thoughts, your feelings, etc. let it out! I loved my grandmother so much.. and, although it was convenient, out of all the hospitals, where I live, that she would be taken to the one across from where I lived.. made it easy to visit her every day.. although, she couldn't talk, in a coma, and before she passed away, she came out of it, although couldn't talk, she could write a little and I would talk to her.. There is more to this.. it was difficult because of what she had and a request..

    I learned this because my fav. uncle lost his wife, (fav aunt) due to misdiagnoses and she had cancer. I was extremely close to them.. I was working, helping someone, with a disability and no reason for me to not to go down to where my aunt and uncle lived.. 5 hrs. from here.. I should have gone.. but didn't.. guilt trip.. however, this person's family could have had someone help her while I was away.. but she liked me alot.... but I didn't go.. my uncle specifically requested that he wanted me to come.. not my other family members.. and I have regrets.. I didn't know.. I miss my aunt.. and then my uncle, same thing.. he loved my aunt deeply and I worried about him.. I wrote him a letter and was returned to me.. because of a situation with my aunt's family.. and he died on the street.. found.. alone.. he died of a broken heart.. so you see, that is why I am passionate about what I talk about.. this isn't about me, but about you..

    I know, hon, been there alot.. "wouldn't it be nice to sleep forever and not worry about anything.. ummmm.. nobody to worry or care about you"

    Do you have somebody in your life who cares about you? What about your mom? Anybody you are close to? I don't know your situation right now, but if you do.. don't push them away.. and if not, well, we are here for you.. your family.. and even though you may not realize it.. and may feel that nobody cares about you or that you will be a "burden" to them.. MOST LIKELY NOT TRUE!! I only speak from my experience and relating to other people.. I understand.. Just know that WE CARE ABOUT YOU!! I CARE ABOUT YOU really.. You didn't find us by accident.. I know that in my heart.. because the same with me.. when I came here.. and here I am.. and many others who are still here.. Just know that you are in my thoughts..

    Keep talking to us or someone you feel you can talk to and trust.. Keep trying to hang in there.. OK??

    Love,

    Gitana