BackAgain...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AloneAgain, Sep 30, 2008.

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  1. AloneAgain

    AloneAgain Well-Known Member

    ...i've not been here a while, don't know if things exactly got better, but certainly different and more complicated...and suicidal thought s left me alone for a while...

    But i've hit a very bad patch...a relationship that menat maybe too much to me has ended badly and messily, i have mental health problems that make it very hard to cope with rejection or abandonment or betrayal...it's all made worse by my guilt about me living with another woman already, though she is more my carer than lover and i can't talk to her any more...i also have problems wit h flashbacks bad dreams and voices especially my evil father...this is all getting worse and though i am in therapy i think it's making me worse now...i am feeling suicidal again, i have saved up enough pills and i know where i would go, i don't want someone to find me here...i am still trying to stay safe, i told my therapist how bad things are though it took me an effort and i'm in touch with th local mh team but they dont help much...a day or so a message came from here saying someone wanted to be my friend...i wasa surprised to get, i dont come here much but i use other forums and thought maybe coming back here would help...atm i cant't see afuture i want or any reason to carry on and the chorus in my head says give up give up give up but i haven't yet...???


    tony
     
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I feel for you. You are not alone in your struggles. What you talk about seems to be what a lot of other people are going through here as well. Stay with us. Lean on us. We are here for you. We love you.
    Make sure your therapist knows the seriousness of the situation. And if he or she is not helping, find another one. Because you deserve it. You deserve to have someone to talk to who is understanding of your situation and that can actually support and help you. I've been through a lot of therapists that have all been great but they never really "got it" until the one I found recently. And I know that I deserve the help that I'm getting. And you deserve to feel better too as do the rest of us.
    I hope you don't pile too much on top of these intense feelings. Living with another woman for whatever reason is no reason to feel guilty. You are obviously going through a very rough time and you don't need to pile any guilt on top of what's already there. Give yourself a break and forgive yourself whenever you can.
    I'm praying for you :hug:
     
  3. AloneAgain

    AloneAgain Well-Known Member

    I can't help the guilt ...maybe cos i was brought up catholic though i've left that behind now, stopped believing about 10 or 11 but some of it hangs on...i feel i betrayed the woamn i live with with the other one, who i fell in love with...never did before, didn't really understand it love didn't ffigure much in my life...and she felt bad that i stayed with the other one though we weren't lovers any more...as i said messy...and i alreadt had a thing about trust and betrayal from previous experiences.

    My therapist knows how bad things are atm, she said she was going to tell the local cmht ( i'm from the UK,for those from abroad it stands for communnity mental health trust ) and made me promise to go and see them which i did yesterday not that they do much...and they said they hadn't heard from her, but they never know what's going on, it took them 10 mins to find my file and they even thought i'd been discharged thought i've been there frequently the last month or 2.

    Today hasn't been quite so bad, wound up and hyper instead of miserable and low, but anxious too, on friday i have to have aan angiogram, x-ray movie of my heart to see how it's working ...it's been behaving strangely...5 years ago i had a mild heart attack, and i've been having chest pains again...when i've had these before they said they weere anxiety attacks rather than cardiac pains, but my dr said she wanted me to have an exercise ecg, when i had it they had to stop it as my blood pressure dropped suddenly..i've never had high blood pressure aways low side of normal..so now they think i've got a weird kind of angina???...who knows? guess i'll know more after friday. I'm anxious and definitely not looking forward to it:unsure:, not so much for what they'll find as that it's an unpleasant experience for me i have private and personal reasons for disliking it...good wishes gratefully accapted :smile: I used to hope my heart would kill me, i drink smoke take drugs that are bad for it and several times stopped taking my heart meds, but it's too slow, i don't know i can wait that long...

    Tx for kind thoughts, i feel very alone much of the time even though i'm living with someone.
     
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you decided to come back to us and look for some support. I am sorry to hear about your health issues. Hopefully this gets sorted soon. You don't have to be alone. You have a forum full of people willing to be there gor you. :hug:
     
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