Backwards

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Deleted SKU, Aug 10, 2013.

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  1. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    So everything seems to now be back to how it was so many years ago. I'm trapped in this household with all the fighting and hostility back to what it used to be, and it's because I am here. This isn't one of those 'blame yourself for everything' posts, I know that my being here is the reason for it. It might be melodramatic to say that I'm cursed, but my existance seems to cast a shadow over everyone. I'm in a situation where I need to be productive, need to move forward, just to survive, and everything seems to be dragging me backwards. And I can't go backwards any more, I cannot survive it, my mind is a broken fucked up mess right now. So what I know will happen is I'll close right up again, and end up doing even more damage to myself, which at this point will kill me. There's only so much any individual can take, and I'm at my breaking point. Sorry, I tried to be positive, I tried to push on, but I can't. I couldn't there, I can't here, and this was my last chance. I think I'm done.
     
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are so bad right now. I am wondering how the fighting and hostility in the household is because you are there. I once lived in a very abusive enviornment. And yes, the fighting was because I was there. But the person involved really was in fact abusive. I was mentally/emotionally abused to the point where It was almost impossible for me to leave. So I was sort of trapped there because my power had been stripped.

    At one point in my life, actually 4 years ago, I called united way (211 on the phone) and explained my circumstances. I asked if there was anything they knew of that would help. They have a huge listing of small and large agencies and groups. I dont know if you live in the US. But if you do, you might find a good lead for some local support??? It might be worth the try. I had to call twice. The first person who answered didnt find the little agency that ended up helping. Different united way workers have different skill levels. Some are better at doing the searches to find help for people.

    I am hoping something can help
     
  3. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    Well I've been gone from here for nearly 5 years... after I left it got better, and now I am back it's going back to what it was (from what I've been told by someone who has no reason to lie to me). I know that the fact that the person doing it is crazy and abusive doesn't mean that I'm actively going out and making the hostility, and most of the time it doesn't even involve me, but just me being here makes it happen. I know how badly self-esteem can screw with people, blaming themselves for things they were not able to cause, but this isn't the case here. I'm clear minded enough to see things how they are.

    I don't live in the US unfortunately, and there is no support really here, nothing at least suitable for my current circumstances. My goal up until this point has been to change the circumstances, but have made very little progress, and that this is dragging me back means I wont be able to make any more. I don't have the will or the mental fortitude for it, I've taken far too much abuse in my time and it's just... too much to bare now. I've been drained of too much in the past few weeks. I'm used to this despair, I know that in the past I've been able to get snapped out of it, though rarely with my own strength. So I'm preparing for what I think is the only possible outcome now, and trying to pretend to be as normal as possible until then.
     
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I think I know the kind of feeling you are talking about. Like when my power was just sapped from me. I didnt know how I could have the power to get out. To relocate. To leave. And yes, my being there was causing it. Even though I was not the abuser. The problem with being abused is that it strips power away. So leaving can be monumental. Even though nothing else is keeping the person there. The chains become the lack of power to leave. I may be totally wrong in my assessment of what you are saying.

    I wish there was some kind of help where you are. I so wish that. All I know for help is in the UK ( the samaritan connection ) and of course the US. i hope you can use sf every day as sort of a lifeline. To have this community as a place where you can be supported and cared about. I know its not the answer to getting to a safe place for you. But its hopefully some kind of support. I wish there were places to turn to in each irl community. I am hoping this community can be enough of a lifeline to keep you hanging on somehow. Until you can somehow get out of your circumstances.... alive.
     
  5. Deleted SKU

    Deleted SKU Well-Known Member

    The worst of it is that I had to make the choice to come back here... not that I had any other options, but it makes it worse feeling that my own failures have put me back to this point. I've only been back a few weeks and already feel like I can't hold it together. I guess what I'm missing too is any desire to keep going. I'm alone now, and the circumstances that stop me leaving also stop me trying to rebuild any sort of 'life'.

    I'm in the UK, but haven't found any way of getting help that will help my current situation. Honestly, I feel like if I don't fix this on my own this time, I may as well give up on everything anyway. I'm done with being weak, I have to learn to fight alone anyway, so if I can't do it after this long I don't see how I ever will... and I say that and laugh at myself, because if I'm not looking for help, what am I even doing here... I don't know, I don't know anything really. All I know is that if I die, I don't have to deal with this any more. Can't think of anything I want more than that right now.
     
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