bad affair I had...I wanted to end it long ago

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TLA, Feb 28, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Welcome to the high tech age....No, I'm not suicidal...just at uncertain stage. Need some support... I'll try to keep this brief.

    In 2005, I lost my father to death, my husband divorced me and took my son away from me (CPS involved)...I had a breakdown after my father's death and accidentally threw my son on the floor cuz I am bipolar and husband did not believe I needed meds and he blames me for hurting my son. When it was all accidental!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was severely depressed 2005-2007 and suicidal, this forum keep me alive!!

    Now, I just got off IM, talking to Chris, the man I had an online sexting affair with for SIX years. I mean, not everyday...but since 2006, we had only talked for sex purposes. I have over 800 mesg saved. Then in summer 2010, he got busted on his job...was not fired, but no longer allowed to chat or on internet at work (federal gov't)-ha. In 2011, his wife found out and divorced his ass. I always suspected that I was not his first chance occurance at this. But, it was a first for me. I know he was a sick ----. But, what about me, huh? I DO NOT TROLL FOR WEIRDO'S.

    I met Chris thru craiglist in 2006. He lived in another state and preferred not to share personal info., his work company would be coming to the city where I lived and he wanted a dinner companion....I thought it harmless to talk for companionship. I had no expectations or motives. This turned into sexteting relationship, even before the term sextexting was created!! haha.

    He had asked me to take pictures of myself and send to him online...I thought long & hard about it, scared, I took the risk--I did it. It blew up on me. My aunt & sister found out, long story, and told all of fathers family. So, father is no longer here to protect me, ALL family members disowned me & shunned me, decided I am not worth talking to. I am sick, vile and digusting (my aunts words).

    As I said, I talked to Chris tonight, 2-27 to find out the reason he no longer needs to chat--he doesno't really talk just says "he's dating, I should know that he would do that"...I told him good- bye for the 1000th time and said I guess we never were meant to met in person. He asked why I was so dramatic and talking like this. (??!!) Well I was surprised that I had more feelings invested in this that I admitted to myself. I was sick for doing it too, not healthy in my terms...

    Anyways, It turns out I really did want to meet him after all; I was mad that all I was only a slut/***** to him. When he asked why I was talking like this tonight? I said nothing. what could I say?

    I had great fun with him, he made me relax and forget the problems of life. Forget that I was rejected and a failure and I wanted to die. It was like a fantasy life. really was not real. And, I guess I'm sorta lost without him needing me. I liked feeling needed, I wanted to feel wanted. HELP.

    I cannot talk about this to ANYONE...too too too embarrassing. Although, when my family found out, I told my case worker and my Dr. at the time. They understood-- I was very unstable at that time. Now, I am stable for 4 whole years, and should have gotten over this sick f***! Yet, why did I continue it so long if it was so unhealthy for me? And how do I get it out of my mind and not let it intrude me thoughts again.

    The relationship was not real, literally. Yet, the needs of feeling wanted and loved, being intimate with someone, feeling I really was accepted. basic human needs--I still have those. I try not to to cry over something that was not there anyways. At least it was nothing to him. :confused:

    thanks for listening.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2012
  2. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    guess it was wrong to post all this stupid information for all to see and judge me on. guess this is not the place for feeling stupid.

    Just wanted to add that I suspect Chris is narcissist.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 28, 2012
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    TLA, well done for posting. I am sorry that your family are so narrow-minded and judgmental.
    As you said, it made you feel good, wanted. You hoped to meet this man, maybe for dinner would turn into a relationship, perhaps?
    Try to accept that it was a complicated time of your life. I do not know how to forget about it, maybe the memories will fade in time.

    I hope you can post more about how you feel, keeping it locked in does not help.
  4. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    thanks for does help to vent it out, I just feel total shame.
    Though yes, memories will fade.
    As I said with my ex husband 'Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened'.
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You were duped by a conman, while you were dealing with other issues. If your family cannot get over it that is their loss.

    Thats a good way of seeing things.
  6. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    that helps a great deal!!
    I needed fresh eyes, I've tried to see if from their side.
    My younger sister was in the room when I gave birth to my son and saw natural childbirth, which she did not have...then she can't stomach pic of me another way...I try not to use the term, but it really pissed me off!
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    People are strange.
    They know you are single and I assume they know you were depressed - what happened was embarrassing for you but hardly warrants their reaction. They have failed to support you, as far as I can see.

    You had perfectly normal needs and a predator preyed on that, leading you on in your vulnerable state. They should be sorry and offer help, not nasty and vindictive.
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    You've really given me much food to think about.
    Yet, I was the one that was foolish myself to partake in a hurtful action. I hate to beat myself up, yet I feel "Stupid me!" I read another quote that applies to this, "If the relationship you are in has to stay secret, you should not be in it" oh boy, I tried to say good-bye and stop, but he would draw me back in. I just thought he would have been nicer when he ended things or stop chatting with me. It was rude and sudden, to me. I wanted to have a comeback or keep the coversation going, yet he though I was too dramatic. lol I say.

    I'm ressigned to the fact my relatives are dingbats!! It does not make it hurt less, but makes me just know I am not a mistake, they are. I have great faith in God, so I know
    God don't make no junk!! I just have to wait it out for them to become educated about mental illness and not be so judgemental, more enlightened or accepting. I try not to wish bad on them. It still makes me depressed. Yet, I am not going to kill myself over this situation or for being used for sex. I refuse to do it. I just wish I was wiser to know what to do!! first sexting and last relationship, I need a REAL warn body.

    I wish more people would tell me what they think, not just read, I welcome bad critism and good pointers too. I do want to improve on what I do in the future, and not make the
    same damn mistakes again. thanks for reading!
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That sounds positive TLA, which is good!
    He is not worth thinking about, though I know its easier to say such things than to do them.
  10. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    Your're right about that...though I am good about putting things in the box and leaving it until later, so you deal with it in better frame of mind. If better does come.
    Guess where this goes?
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well that is a very healthy attitude.
    Hope you feel able to re-open that box soon!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.