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Bad Day today

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jul 5, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Today was a bad day for me...

    Did not even get a phone call from anyone... No family at all called..

    They are going to wish that they had spent this day with me...

    I hate my life.. i hate myself... i hate being left alone all the dang time... they do not even know what all it does to me.... They get dad then go to the park for a picnic and cook out and leave me here...

    Why do they do me like that? Why dont they fricking care for me??

    Why do i always get hurt like this? Why cant any of them care for me? Why cant they see my emotions , my feelings , is hurt and hurting right now...

    I cant hold back the tears any more.. I cant stop crying.. i cant stop from getting hurt.... Why do they do this?

    I cant even be included with my family in anything.. they do not want me around.. they do not care... i will be laid to rest next week and they could care less about it, probably be glad i am gone.. god even i will be glad i will be gone...

    my life is not fair.. it never has been fair at all... What did i do that was so wrong to deserve this muuch pain? this much hurt? Why ? Why give me this much pain...?

    i dont know how i can wait till sunday now... I must wait .. i must wait and buy some more so i can make sure it is enough and that it will do me in. I want no chance of survival this time.. none whatsoever.... By the time i am found it will be too late , just too late to revive me.... It will take days to find me... they will never think of it , never think of it...

    let them look, let them search for me but it will be too late when i am found... i am so sick of this world.. so sick of people hurting me . so sick of the lies of them telling me they love me.. well i say this to them..

    IF YOU LOVE ME THEN WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU AT? YOU DONT WANT ME HERE NO MORE THEN I WANT TO BE HERE. IF YOU LOVE ME WHY DONT YOU CALL? COME BY ? JUST VISIT FOR 5 FREAKING MINUTES? NO YOU ARE OFF IN YOUR OWN LITTLE WORLD THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF... WELL THIS SUNDAY I WILL DIE... NOTHING IS TO STOP ME FROM THAT.. and you try and stop me and i will do something to make the police shoot me... i will make them kill me.... my life is ending in a few days and you could care less...

    Go on and have your happy time with your family... go on and love them... forget about me cause i am through with this pain.. go on and believe your way of thinking just like before.. go on and think i am just doing this for attention.. makes it all the better for me to carry it out... Heck i might do it before then... All i got to do is get drunk. makes it so much easier..

    Why didnt you call? Why do you not care? Well i hope you are happy and i hope you get happy seeing me in my casket...
  2. please visit your family, neighbour, priest, old friends before you do anything
    tell them how you feel

    sleeping pills are a very risky way of doing it... you could just end up in a lot of pain, please don't

    I'm here reading ur posts
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i have no family , neighbors , priests that care...

    if you read my posts then you would know that...

    yes they were risky but i didnt take enough , but this time......
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It's a two way street white dove. If you don't make the effort to see them and call etc, why should they. You need to make yourself get out. You don't have to wait for someone to invite you to do things. If you are not getting what you want out of the relationships, go make new ones. It doesn't do any good to sit at home a wallow in your misery. Only you have the power to change things. Make an effort and go do it. You seem to be a nice person that people may enjoy getting to know.
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    The following is not meant to offend anyone especially gentlelady okay...

    It is me that feels this way and i am useless piece of crap that walks upon this world.. it is not that easy to me to get out of this house when i have so much pain from my cancer that keeps me sitting or laying in a bed when the cramps hit.. no one knows the true physical pain that i feel unless they have battled this type of cancer also... and the emotional pain just adds to it so yep i am worthless and useless..

    yep , wallaing in my misery...

    That is what everyone tells me...

    Well it will not be that way anymore...

    i will not be around...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2007
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Did you ever stop to consider if many people are telling you that there may be some truth to it? I am not meaning to put you down. I would like to help in any way I can and I am being as honest with you as I can be after reading your posts and listening to what you have to say about your situation. I am sorry things have been so bad in your life, but no one can make it better for you. I am not a stranger to pain, so I do know somewhat how you feel. But I also know i can't sit back and wait for things to change. i have to make an effort as well. Even moreso than the people I would like to depend on. It is not up to them to change things for me. Sweetie, take the steps necessary for you to move forward. Life will treat you much more kindly if you do. :hug:
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i know you are not putting me down okay...

    i just can not go on.. i am sorry that others feel that way... i wonder if i am not even welcome here now... i mean i am seen here as a person who is walling in her own self pity.. right??

    Well i have so much pain right now... i just cant think straight. and heck i cant even post right now can i??

    i just want to get it over with...

    sorry everyone...

    i did not mean to offend anyone here...
  8. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    WD, I know how much pain you are in, although I cannot fully comprehend it. But Gentlelady does have a point. Maybe you need to take that first step toward reconciling with your family. Love seen through tragedy is not false love, like you have said. Sometimes, we do not realize how much we love someone until we are forced to confront it through illness or adversity. Reach out to your family and try to trust them to be there for you by telling them what is going on. We think we have all the time in the world until we are faced with our own mortality. Please do not let anything go unsaid. You have the opportunity to give your family the chance to be there for you, to heal their relationship with you...let give them the benefit of the doubt to be there for you.
  9. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    white dove - i'm sorry to hear that you had such a rough day. and to some degree, i understand about the family business. it took me a long time to muster the courage to extend the olive branch myself and stop waiting for anyone else to do it, because i knew that if i didn't, i would end up feeling more alone, more isolated, and probably dead without them ever having a clue as to how troubled i had become.

    it's a terrifying thing to do, that's for sure. especially after years of being told that i just needed a good friend to talk to, that there was really nothing wrong with me, and if i could just stop being so moody, everything would be ok. after resisting the urge to roll up my sleeves and say "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I AM GOING TO BE OK TO YOU???" and going off on a tangent about being in mental institutions, i took a step back, took some time off, and then finally made the step. i can't say it has all been sunshine and roses. i'm still grossly misunderstood and probably thought of as some sort of whiny worrier, incapable of dealing with life successfully ... and if that's what they want to call it, sure. that's me.

    anyway, i hope you are feeling a bit better white dove. and remember, no matter what has happened in the past, they are still your family and they will be devestated if you are not around and don't reach out to them to try to get some help. it sounds like your mind is made up, but even if it is ... give them the benefit of the doubt and give it a go. if you feel like this now, it seems you have nothing to lose except for the chance for some reconciliation and understanding.

    good luck.

  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are welcome here. We are here to help and support you as much as we can. Sometimes that means things may be said that we really do not want to hear. Different viewpoints are put forward so you can consider things from different angles. You talk about the great deal of pain you are in and that you can barely leave the house, yet you are upset that your family didn't invite you to an outing in the park. Maybe they thought you wouldn't go anyway, since you have difficulty leaving and even doing anything but sitting or lying in your bed. Perhaps they didn't want you to have to deliberate over saying yes or no. They didn't want to risk putting you in excess pain. I don't know your family beyond what you say, so I really don't know their motives.
  11. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Yeah hun, I don't leave the house that often, and after awhile, my Mom just stopped inviting me. So, recently, to try and develop a better relationship with her, I started asking her out for lunch and stuff. She is THRILLED! She was just tired of the rejection and of always being the one to make the effort! Please, do give them the benefit of the doubt. What could it hurt?
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    doesnt matter anyhow cause it is done...


    I have given up...

    Could not take the pain... just could not stand it any more...

    cant do nothing right anyhow.. everything i do is a failur. i cant even be around my family without doing something wrong..

    I was outside when they asked dad to go with them.. they just walked up on the front porch and asked dad hey you want to come to the park for a picnic? and dad says yes . i asked you want me to come and their reply ( my brothers reply ) we dont have room in the van for you but can make room for dad ...

    so he went and i stayed. it really doesnt matter anyhow cause it is done and my life is ending.. yep i am walling in my own self pity. heck that is all i can do...

    heck i dont care anymore about anything...

    i am ending it all..

    and i say screw everyone .. Screw this life of mine... Think i wont do it? watch the obids!

    i am sick of this life.. of my life... of everything...
  13. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    White Dove we have talked a bit these last few days why dont you pm me and we can talk some more sometimes during the depths of depression rational thoughts leave us and we can not see any clear way out we think nobody understands or even likes us that so not true here you have friends that dont just understand you they want to help give them that chance

    keep safe
  14. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    well i have given those close to me plenty of chances already... They know where i live.. They know my phone number.. i on the other hand do not have their contact info.. So how can i or am i suppose to contact them first?? It cant be done.. Nothing i can say or do will ever be good enough for them all...

    I guess it is because i am in so much pain both physical from this stupid cancer and emotional from this stupid depression that i can not even think right.. Well if i cant think right then what point is it for me to be here..

    Give me one good reason to stay... or 2 or 4 or 10 good reasons to stay here...

    suppose i dont kill myself , then what?? suffer an undying pain of this stupid cancer with no stupid cure.. get put up in a hospital bed and suffer pain , physical pain for a few months? I am screwed either way i look at it..

    this depression is bad enough now having to deal with physical stress and pain... it is just too much.. heck like ampacity ( i think ?? ) said . maybe i am like JOB - well JOB was tough , a lot tougher them me , then i am right now...

    Do you have any idea what it is like to face death?? I mean litterly face it.. I know without a doubt i am dying in a few months.. I know it and i cant stop it.. Do you know what its like to see a person suffer and die with cancer? Well i did.. I watched my mom go through it... THAT IS WHAT IS SCARING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF ME NOW...

    I cant stop it. i cant stop this stupid pain.. i cant stop the cancer.. There is not a doctor in this world that can stop it.. so i have to face it.. rather i take it in 2 days or not..

    Heck i almost did it last night.. I ALMOST DID IT.. i had went to the store bought the alchol and came back . had everything ready but my nieces came over to my house and wanted to play with my computer.. I could not do it with them in my house...

    It is fear.. Fear of a dying death that i seen my mom go through that scares me so much.. It is what is pushing me to do it in 2 days and the emotional pain on top of that is putting pressure upon me to do it also because i know that if i dont do it that i will end up in a hospital bed and not one dang person around me or close to me will be there by my side. i will suffer that physical pain alone...

    Also the pain of knowing that i cant do a damn thing to stop it no matter how much i might want it to stop... The pain and reality that this is real and i kept telling myself not to worry about it because everything will be allright.. but it wont... i am dying and it is not allright. everything is not bright and happy anymore. i have fricking cancer... I have no choice. i am going to die anyway... My life is screwed.. anyway you look at it i will never see age 36 ... I am screwed out of being happy with a good honest christian husband.. i am screwed out of traveling the world , going to visit the very places that Christ walked. that Paul walked , the towns they visited. even to visit california or arizona , or even a trip to austrailia .. I am screwed out of all that.. Screwed out of having kids , a family.. I was screwed out of a career because of a stupid trust i had in someone.. i am scrtewed out of trusting others because i have been broken inside by others time and time again.. I am screwed out of love from anyone , or any man that would have me.. my destiny right now is me in a bed unable to move in a fwew short months. to die and to suffer more pain.. MORE STUPID PAIN...

    ALL MY LIFE , I HAVE HAD HARDSHIP AFTER HARDSHIP , AND I AM SICK OF IT... why in the heck was i born to endure all this.. And those people who have told me that no one goes through hardships all the time , WELL LET ME TELL YOU THEY DO AND I HAVE AND NO I DIDNT BRING IT UPON MYSELF EITHER..

    i am not to blame for my mom getting cancer. i am not to blame for her dying. i am not to blame for all the stupid hardships i have had.. from quiting school to taking care of my brother and dad , the house , that had to be done because my mom passed away.. Everything has been trial upon trial for me.. and i am tired of it. i am tired of fighting , and in this case it is a battle i can not win...

    so many times, so many times i hear others say i bring this upon myself .. well i liked to see what they would have done if they had walked in my shoes. i did what i had to do to keep my baby brother safe... to keep a family together that had lost their mom... Now i got this stupid cancer. diod i bring it upon myself? NO... did i ask Godf to give me this cancer ? NO... did i ask for myself to get depressed? NO.. I never asked for any of this and i cant fight something i cant win when there is nobody there to help me fight it.. i am all alone and i quit.. I FRICKING QUIT.,. IT IS A BATTLE I CAN NOT WIN AT ALL...
  15. Xeloda

    Xeloda Member

    Does your family know how you feel?

    Have you told them?

    Have you told them you want to die?

    If so, what did they say?

    Have you contacted support groups? For people with terminal cancer? I'm not going to pretend I know what you're feeling.

    If you want to share your anguish with people who are in similiar situations, and with people who will know exactly how you feel, there are cancer groups you can talk to.

    You can ring the national cancer institute for a support group in your local area.

    You can ask fellow cancer patients why they continue to live.

    What cancer do you have?
  16. Xeloda

    Xeloda Member

    In your recap of the 'picnic event' - you didnt tell your brother how you felt.

    Why don't you just say how you feel?

    Tell them.

    Tell your doctor how you feel.

    Voice out your feelings. Don't bottle them inside.

    Let us know what they say in response when you tell them exactly how u feel.

    If you're going to go, don't leave it to a letter explaining why.

    Tell them now. Today. Tell them exactly how crap you feel. Ring your doctor and tell him how much it sucks. Ring the pharmacist and tell him how much the pain killers don't work. Tell them.

    Don't hold back. Tell exactly how you've felt and how miserable you are.

    See what they have to say. Tell us what they say.

    Don't just leave your feelings in a forum. Speak it out to the people around you and let them know.

    Don't go out silently. Speak.
  17. corral

    corral Guest

    hi white dove
    im sorry about your physical pain.
    as about you saying that nobody is trying to make an effort to contact you,
    well before i even read that kind of comments in your posts i sent you a pm message just trying to make new friends, like a week ago, but you never bothered to reply, so maybe you should look into it.
    not trying to make you feel bad or not trying to be rude.
    hope you feel better.
  18. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Please stop blaming yourself WD. Some things may be your fault, but the Cancer is certainly not your fault, and the fact that your own family and church can be as cruel as they have been is not your fault no matter what you have done in your life. You are a lovely, caring person who deserves more than she is getting (in a GOOD way) and who has been given a large burden to carry. But I believe you CAN carry it. I believe that your life (no matter how short) is worth living to the fullest extent possible. And I KNOW that God is watching over you, wanting to ease your pain. Hang in there, O.K.? You can get your mind around all that is happening to you and be a better person for it. Don't give up :hug:
  19. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    By the way, the movies you have been posting are beautiful :)
  20. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    White dove I can understand some of your pain. I for a short time was a little like you but you know, it takes two to tango. Try making an effort with the relationships you have or develop new ones but if people are not willing to respond to your moves then it shows there no interested or not genuine to you. You seem like a nice person and from what i've read you have alot of friends here all willing to help you as much as you can.

    Your a strong person for talking about this and to come through what you've been through and still be standing.
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