I am new to this site, but I am so glad I found it. I have struggled a lot on my own and worn out the ears of friends and family to the point where I mostly have to pretend everything is fine. I am usually a happy person, I think, and people often call me bubbly and hate to see me down as they think it is strange for me, for example people I work with. There is only really one thing that ever gets me down, which I have posted about in the relationships forum. I don't want to be seen as a self pitying person who just moans because really that isn't me. At least I hope not. I am just looking for support as I am particularly struggling right now. I feel lonely. I have been part of an unstable and unsuitable relationship for too long, but today I am particularly sad. I can't feel anger or hate for too long, because its just swept away by an overpowering desire to make things ok, and I miss so much the way things were. Because things get so bad, then when they are good it feels euphoric, an escape from all the bad times and I can truly relax and let go, but it never lasts and its feeling more and more like I can't be happy unless things are good. Today I just want help. I just want a friend, I just want a hug, how pathetic is that? But seeing people is often too much effort. I want to be alone so I can cry but I want people around me so I can forget. Thats just not possible to happen at the same time. I am messaging Samaritans too which is really helpful. I have wanted to phone them so much in the past, its horrible at night time when you can't sleep and everything has fallen apart around you, but I fear they wouldn't be able to understand me through my sobs. I just want to be happy again. Sorry if this all appears jumbled. Its quite hard to get my feelings down.