Today is really bad. this is the 3rd day of this particular episode. There are some extremely difficult things going on and I have found out that someone I thought loved me, cannot be counted on. This is the pattern in my life, that I always end up in relationships where the other person loves less. And I know the problem is me. No one can stand me, and I can't stand myself. I have Aspergers and it makes life so intense. All I do is strive to stay calm and try to keep it in and not let others know how intense it always is. This causes agonizing feelings in my body that make it hard for me to function. Right now I am having a hard time walking even, I am such a state of collapse. I am really thinking hard about ending it. If this were a single episode, i could have some hope that this will pass. But it never passes, it repeats. Over and over I find myself alone, and now I am in a financial situation that is impossible and there is no way to support myself. I have no family excedpt in another country. And they have their own problems. So I have no place to go or rest where I am welcome. So what's the point? I have a drug I take for my heart and if I take enough, it would stop it. But I am scared yet to do it. Yet I want out of these terrible crippling feelings, and this situation of being totally alone with no one to turn to who cares. I am caught between life and death. I can't go on feeling like this. I can't endure how soul sick I feel and the way it effects my body. I can barely function. It seems this misery is all i have to look forward to. I don't know what to do. There is no light at the end of this tunnel.