bad night. aging to fast too sad. how to move on?(RANTing sorry)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by theheartisalonelyhunter, Feb 17, 2009.

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  1. Hi
    I dont even feel like its ok for me to post here because in perspective my life is great, and I have loved ones and ectectectectectetctcteteetete
    but Ive been struggling with a multitude of "diagnosis" for almost all of my 22 years here on beautiful Earth.ya know..eating disorder/bipolar/depression/insomnia/pain attacks blabla ectectect... So... tonight I just need to rant and no need to reply but I just dont have anyone to talk to and i left my phone at someones house anyways. I usually talk to my cats honestly. i love them.


    Im a beautiful creative young woman. I have so much love and intelligenceto share. I can this now because Ive been working for so long to just say yes and get up and live large. but at the same time Im a worthless lazy self absorbed pathetic ugly crying bitch.
    my backis killing me right now...
    So ive been with the same guy since i was 17- 5ish years.. hes 29 and we love eachother deeply and communicate everything.. very loyal and simmular.. lately our life is changing alot and we fight alot and every day he tells me to get out of his life ect. but he also is soooo sweet and loving to me.. so we flip flop back and forth like this.. he says im messy im lazy im unorganized.... and i am but he freaks out. he yells at me everyday and verbally absuses me and puts me down insults me. even in front of people. tonight i was supposed to go to work but i didnt becuase i was so upset. I washed some new pillowcases he bought in with some towels and they got a tiny tiny bit of towel fuzz on them and he started yelling and ranting about it and it always escalates back to the core issues he has with me..i locked myself in the bathroom. Im not trying to say im perfect and hes an asshole. but he can be an asshole, and i can be lazy. its just getting to point where i dont know if we should split up tomorow or stay together till we die old.. we really are like soulmates... though it probably doesnt sound like it.. i believe we choose people in our lifes to heal ourselves. to be mirror for our own internal issues. you can choose to blame the other person, or look inside and feel ou own feelings, our own issues that no one causes for us. I dont believe in being an emotional victim. our feelings dont change unless we are willing to feel them without attaching them to circumstance.
    anyways wer having a finacially difficult situation and trying to find a house here within 2 weeks. weve been looking for weeks alreday but its been hard. we just moved to this area 3 months ago and i feel isolated and dont have many friends.. i dont get enough excersise and i dont know why i love to walk and hike an dbike and yoga, but i havent been doing much and i feel fat and ugly . im not actually fat but i am out of shape. i smoke cigarettes..for yeeeeaars, and im a mild alcoholic,and indulge in various other things thouhg nothing harsh or regulary. im smoking a joint with red wine right now but dont get me started on how much i support medical ganja..and red wine for that matter!
    hoping my bf doesnt even come home tonight because i dont want to talk to him.. (he would be staying at our friends family house)...
    i afraid of dying
    of ageing to fast
    my heart flutters sometimes with fear, my lungs ache. stress and abuse of my body is very worrysome to me...the stress keeps me smoking wacky tabacky and drinking
    im an artist. i was going to college and getting As in most clasess enjoying art ect but we moved and i wil enroll here soon i think.. my art can be messy..painting, collage,clay,photography i just started sewing and im very very excited.
    i used to write alot of poetry.. and still do but less makes it to paper now and i watch more movies i guess.. i love to travel. ive been to 14 countries :) and plan on going to most of them!
    i need to go clean more....and i mean that in 2 ways......... im really freaked out and been really confused and crying alot and isolating myself...feeling frantic about my life right now.... HOW TO MOVE ON?!!?!
    im so ready to just bust out of fear. but its liek a cycle.. looking back my whole life is just manic----depressive----manic-----depressive----
    I dont know what to do or how to snap into positivity.. im snapping...in a painful way.. again ...and im so sick of it.. at least im not winding up in the hospital anymore.. but time is flying i dont have time to make myself weak or waste on tantrums.... im just crying right now so emotionally out of whack attack...
    I have so much to love and live for but i just dont stand up straight


    if read all of that im suprised! but thank you so much
    i just cant even explain what im explaining
    i dont know what to do to move on
     
  2. I just want to add some shit because this is my rant ok
    I forgot to add that i was a self injurer for many years and still in some ways but i used to mostly cut and my legs have hundreds of scars that put me in the hospitala few times. i always imagine sucicide and have come close but i want to live more than that i am stronger than that but still weak it seems. i dont cut anymore becuase the reprecutions are no longer worth it to me. my boyfriend would surely leave me. today my cat mauled my hand. he such a sweety but kinda wild. i picked him up and he fucked up my hand there are 3 big cuts. i showed my bf and he yelled at me for so long, i dont even remeber the exact words now. i always try to block it out..
    my cat has never hurt my like that before. he sometimes bites in a gentle way but it was pretty bad. hes not rabid or anyhting! hes sleeping next to me.
    so im wearinf unicorn bandaids and wondering why i didnt carve somthing cool looking into my legs instead of chaotic straight lines.
    sorry this is just my rant right now beacuse i have talked about anything in so long and im just feeling sorry for myself it seems. i never talk on any public website especially! i feel retarded.(no offense to those who are!) why dont i have a life right now

    i love music
     
  3. I have to add this beacuse it just tops off the night
    I decided to bake a pumpkinpie just now.. and its my boyfriends favorite. so i looked up a recipe i have pumpkin stuff leftoverfrom thanksgiving.. so i mixed it all up made it so yummy and put it in the oven... 15 minutes later i go peek at it.. and.......... i somehow put the pie in without the metal pie pan..... so i see this flat pie and fre...ak out.. at least i had a baking sheet under it.. its sooo messed up.. ive never done anything like that. so i tried to transfer it into the pie pan and it just falls apart. so i scoop it into the pie pan, its all chunks of crust and filling,l like a pumpkin pie scramble.... its in the oven right now.. it might turn out strangly ok or it might burn and be nasty.. grrrrrr i could make another one but im out of eggs.. it sucks beacuse ive been thinking of making htis pie for months and finally made it only fucked it up.. as usual. im always ruining things.. its pouring rain and i feel so let down and useless.. i cant even bake a premade fuckin crust. my bpyfriend didnt come back and i feel like i wont be able to sleep at all. i cleaned up alot of stuff and packed things in prep for moving to our new houes which we dont have yet.. im just trying not to freak out these days i just want to be whole and solid and strong but i feel crippled somehow
     
  4. I know I sound like a stupid bitch but really i just love and nature and even though i dont expect anyone to read all that crap and so do i.. honestly i cant figure out how to delete it as a nonmember..... Im suprised out of 65 people who viewed this, not one had anythingto say to me, not a single person can respond in any way............ i cant beilive i thought anywould anyways
    .. .. . I really just feel so stupid and shitty right now my boyfriend just constantly insults me and critisizes me and tells me to leave and talks about how great it was when i was out of town for a month.. he calls me a worthless person, a stupid bitch, a retard, ruining his life, disgusting lazy bitch slob fuckyou bitch i hate you get the fuck away from me !

    im sorry im jus
    t so depressed all the time and just trying to work and get along and be cooperative and sweet, but were falling apart after 5 yrs and im just so exausted all the time i feel lilke im drowning
    im just afraid to fall asleep every night because he wil wake me up in the morning yelling and being angry and i even read that( is it) cortosone? is at its highest in the morning causing more arguments at that time.
    its almost 4 in the morning i shouldnt be doing this

    i just dont know wether i have to leave this toxic or get therapy withhim or what
    i dont want to leave this life here i am barely starttng to begin and go off on my own im afraid i would just freeaak out after 5 years of this love i am lost.... FUUTKDFXCFk!!!!
     
  5. Ryan1

    Ryan1 Well-Known Member

    Well, why dont you join up? People here could and would support you, even if you only want to talk in PMs. You can PM me if you want. :)
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Seeing a therapist for the two of you would probably shed light on why your both at each other. You never know if you don't try...Like Ryan says why don't you join as a member and seek the support that is available from the other members...
     
  7. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi...read all your 'rant', and i wish you would join up and get support from all of us. we all do try to help each other - and trust me - you will feel very cared for here. .

    that would be a positive step forward - a first step, if you will. and i hope the first of many forward-steps in your life. :hug:
     
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