Bad night, bad memories (various triggers, sorry)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 10, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    It's been a tough weekend... and I was hoping I was on the way to getting better. I even slept most of today away...

    I had even planned to not harm myself today... I told myself I wanted to work on distractions and if it doesn't work I still have 2 Seroquel tablets left that I got at the psych ER last month.
    But yeah... I couldn't keep that promise.

    I've been surrounded by triggers... since mum Friday passed by the house where I was brutally raped when I was 13... I've watched 2 stand-up comedy shows with rape jokes. Both talking about weather or not it was a crime to rape an ugly woman... or if it was an act of mercy *gags*

    Some people have told me I am a pretty girl.. and sadly... men are rather fond of my chest, that developed way too soon.
    But... I'm a big girl... I've had many 'pity' drinks from guys in bars when I went with one of my friends (blonde, tall, skinny, long legs) and she kept the night dancing with guys... or a guy who thought her and I were dating who asked me if he could dance with my girlfriend... and then in a clumsy guy way told me I did a good job of scoring her. (meaning I was way below her standards).

    I purposely gained weight and hid away in hoodies, baggy clothes, adapted a punk/goth style... I would do anything to not seem attractive after that rape. This only got worse after my mum blamed the rape on me when I told her 2 years later...

    My therapist told me the session before last that I was a beautiful young woman and I started sobbing.
    Other than what I already said, I've been bullied all of my life about my weight, and everything else that people thought was wrong with me... People always made weird comments, even grown people. I was attending a 'friends' Birthday and her family spent a long time discussing why my skin was just a tone darker than other people... it's half a tone we're talking... and it put me in an awkward spot. I don't know who my father is... so what the hell do I know? That resulted in me experimenting in ways to bleach my skin with chemicals. (which makes me sound so racist... I am not, despite growing up with a racist family...). I just wanted to be normal and not constantly be reminded me that I wasn't.

    My best friend thinks I'm pretty too... she has no filter really... if you gave her a present and she didn't like it, she wouldn't pretend to... she doesn't do the polite act. And she's several times said how interesting it is that our group of friends are all beautiful women.
    And my boyfriend obviously thinks the same way... I just have times where I start to wonder if it's the boobs he's attracted to rather than the rest of me.

    In my twenties I have tried to take a bit more care of myself... I still have to google most of the normal feminine grooming things and makeup skills... I feel like I have a lot to learn still on how to be a woman... how to be a person even. I feel like a fraud. Like I don't belong in the normal world. I look at movies and TV a lot to try to figure out how normal people live...
    I grew up with my mother, and our tiny family... and nothing was really normal there. From kindergarten on to school and further educations I was alone a lot... I was socially awkward (I think that's on accord of my level of intelligence... I never 'belonged' intellectually with my age group). I was alone a lot... playing or reading in a corner. I gave up on making friends... no matter who I met they made fun of me or reminded me of what ever rumour was going around about me now. the only actual interactions I had with other 'kids' was when the older boys sexually abused me.

    And yes... now I remember those rumours that went around... apparently it even spread to other schools... someone said that when I was 11 my father had knocked me up. I wonder how many still believe that it's true. Last time someone reminded me of it was one of my former 'friends' in college who had gone to a different grade school.

    The sexual abuse that happened from year 1/2? until year 7... I thought that would end when we all had to go to a different school for year 8 and 9... I was 15 I think, and I had a crush on this guy with curls... one day after school he asked me for a kiss, really randomly. (I think some of his mates made a bet) I said no. He frowned and said "Oh, so you're not easy after all??"
    Needless to say that crush faded in that second.

    And the other day I realized I genuinely have this very stupid fear, that one day my boyfriend is going to say it was all a joke... Just like some people would do in school. People would let me hang out with them for a little while, just to put me through something stupid and laugh at me after.

    I know I'm a grown woman, 26 years of age, and he's a 31 year old man. We're not kids. And he doesn't even live in the same country as me, so he won't know the people who used to make fun of me.

    I don't want to list all the memories that are flashing through my head now... but my brain just loves to make me remember my entire story of abuse. I am desperate to not start remembering details of the rape... or the prostitution my idiot ex forced me into.... I have tried to block that, pretend like it never happened...
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* I'm sorry that your having an awful night. Does writing it out help or what about a movie. You're a strong and amazing person. *hugs*
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Ooh lady I'm not surprised your having a rough night after the weekend you had. Altho i really wish it wasn't happing to you because you don't deserve any of this at all. You really are a truly beautiful person and I really hope that one day you are able to see your worth for yourself.

    Memories can be horrible things. And hard to stop but try and remind yourself that you are safe at the moment and they can not hurt you right now. I know its so much easier said than done.

    Maybe it would be a good idea to take your meds to prevent the memories from getting more intense?? It could be a safety measure to keep your self safe. And you deserve to be safe 100%

    As for fears about your boyfriend leaving you I believe those are irrational but that dosnt make them any less real for you. I think your boyfriend loves you for who you are and not what you have on your chest. He is committed to you and being in a relationship with you.

    I wish i had magic wand to take this all away from you!!!
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
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