I am having a really bad night. I can't sleep and my brain is rerunning life moments where people have put me down, walked out of my life and/or treated me badly. I am a PTSD sufferer and have been thinking on Robin Williams since his death. When I heard the news, I thought to myself, he won't hurt anymore and that is a good thing. It kind of surprised me because I love Robin Williams and he was my favorite actor for many years. But I just couldn't help thinking I was in no position to question why and was happy for him that he was able to escape his pain. When I think of my own emotional pain, I wonder why people expect me to just suffer through it and have the opinion I am selfish if i want to just end it once and for all so it never comes back again. Tonight I am troubled by my usual thoughts. I am in my 40's and have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship since 2001. I want to leave so badly but there are issues that come with that decision. We have a son together and I have no way to support myself or my son. I am completely unemployable for reasons I will not get into right now. Just trust me when I say I am unable to provide financially. Given that, I wonder how I can take care of my son if I leave the abuse I am enduring day after day that makes my PTSD rollercoaster from high anxiety to low depression. It has gotten so bad that I can feel my anxiety attacks while I sleep. I have two adult daughters who were kidnapped by the bio father when they were very young. It took me 3 years to find them and our relationship has been poor, to say the least, since. Neither of them have hugged me or told me they loved me since they were 3 and 6 respectively. My eldest is now 23 and has not returned a call or spoken to me in over a year because I was not as happy for her as she wanted me to be on a day I was dealing with depression. My other daughter is 19 and is convinced I work for the devil because that is what her bio father programmed her to think. I am over protective of my son because of what has happened with my girls. I worry I will not give him the life he deserves if I leave the relationship and keep him with me. I worry about my PTSD and how I will provide for him if I am on my own. When I think it might be best for me to leave him with his father, I worry he will be abused and feel I did not love him enough and just walked out on him. I also worry my depression will get so bad losing another child that I will not be able to control the spiral. I used to have a best friend to talk to about anything and everything and it would help. A year ago, that friend told me he only wants to be my acquaintance and stopped speaking to me. He gave me no closure or really addressed why after years of being my best friend, he no longer wants to be my friend. It is creating a very deep hurt inside of me and I sent him an email asking him to talk about it so I can have some answers. He has refused to answer the email. Tonight, I found out he has lied to me and I wonder if I have been hurting over the loss of our friendship over a lie. Either way, it is a deep hurt and has me thinking about every last person that just tossed me aside like I never meant anything. People say to talk to a friend or family member. I have neither. No, that is no exaggeration. I have a 6 year old who is way too young to deal with these kinds of issues and thats it. So I sit in silence day after day never getting any of this out while simultaneously having someone tell me everything I do wrong on a daily basis. The most recent kick my son's father has been on.."You should have said". No matter what is going on or what I do..it is not right. I will say to him, "I need you to watch our son while I take a shower" His response will be "Now if you wanted me to do something ( "you should have said ") Can you please watch our son so I can take a shower"? So, I will say it his way and then he says no I will not because you did not approach me the right way the first time then he will walk off. When I told him this evening I was feeling suicidal, his response was to yell at me and to go to bed. I know this may all seem trivial but it adds up and I am actually taking the minor offenses of the relationship so as not to blow things out of proportion. I guess what it boils down to is..I am having a bad night and I just want it all to stop.