Bad Night

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MonkeyBoo, Aug 27, 2014.

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  1. MonkeyBoo

    MonkeyBoo New Member

    I am having a really bad night. I can't sleep and my brain is rerunning life moments where people have put me down, walked out of my life and/or treated me badly.

    I am a PTSD sufferer and have been thinking on Robin Williams since his death. When I heard the news, I thought to myself, he won't hurt anymore and that is a good thing. It kind of surprised me because I love Robin Williams and he was my favorite actor for many years. But I just couldn't help thinking I was in no position to question why and was happy for him that he was able to escape his pain. When I think of my own emotional pain, I wonder why people expect me to just suffer through it and have the opinion I am selfish if i want to just end it once and for all so it never comes back again.

    Tonight I am troubled by my usual thoughts. I am in my 40's and have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship since 2001. I want to leave so badly but there are issues that come with that decision. We have a son together and I have no way to support myself or my son. I am completely unemployable for reasons I will not get into right now. Just trust me when I say I am unable to provide financially. Given that, I wonder how I can take care of my son if I leave the abuse I am enduring day after day that makes my PTSD rollercoaster from high anxiety to low depression. It has gotten so bad that I can feel my anxiety attacks while I sleep.

    I have two adult daughters who were kidnapped by the bio father when they were very young. It took me 3 years to find them and our relationship has been poor, to say the least, since. Neither of them have hugged me or told me they loved me since they were 3 and 6 respectively. My eldest is now 23 and has not returned a call or spoken to me in over a year because I was not as happy for her as she wanted me to be on a day I was dealing with depression. My other daughter is 19 and is convinced I work for the devil because that is what her bio father programmed her to think. I am over protective of my son because of what has happened with my girls. I worry I will not give him the life he deserves if I leave the relationship and keep him with me. I worry about my PTSD and how I will provide for him if I am on my own. When I think it might be best for me to leave him with his father, I worry he will be abused and feel I did not love him enough and just walked out on him. I also worry my depression will get so bad losing another child that I will not be able to control the spiral.

    I used to have a best friend to talk to about anything and everything and it would help. A year ago, that friend told me he only wants to be my acquaintance and stopped speaking to me. He gave me no closure or really addressed why after years of being my best friend, he no longer wants to be my friend. It is creating a very deep hurt inside of me and I sent him an email asking him to talk about it so I can have some answers. He has refused to answer the email. Tonight, I found out he has lied to me and I wonder if I have been hurting over the loss of our friendship over a lie. Either way, it is a deep hurt and has me thinking about every last person that just tossed me aside like I never meant anything.

    People say to talk to a friend or family member. I have neither. No, that is no exaggeration. I have a 6 year old who is way too young to deal with these kinds of issues and thats it. So I sit in silence day after day never getting any of this out while simultaneously having someone tell me everything I do wrong on a daily basis. The most recent kick my son's father has been on.."You should have said". No matter what is going on or what I do..it is not right. I will say to him, "I need you to watch our son while I take a shower" His response will be "Now if you wanted me to do something ( "you should have said ") Can you please watch our son so I can take a shower"? So, I will say it his way and then he says no I will not because you did not approach me the right way the first time then he will walk off. When I told him this evening I was feeling suicidal, his response was to yell at me and to go to bed. I know this may all seem trivial but it adds up and I am actually taking the minor offenses of the relationship so as not to blow things out of proportion.

    I guess what it boils down to is..I am having a bad night and I just want it all to stop.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    So sorry to hear you have been having a rough night. I hope it becomes kinder to you and that tomorrow is a better day :hug:
     
  3. By definition I guess your rough night is mostly over. I just read this and, relating it to the toxic relationship my wife has had over the years with her father, and to some of the past men in her life, I am particularly struck by your husband's objection to "I need you to watch our son ..." vs "Will you please watch our son ...". The way you said it is honest and reasonable, the way he wants you to say it is pleading and needy. It sounds to me like you are making real efforts and strides to be your own person and he is trying to retrain you to be his supplicant.

    I am also struck by your dedication (alas, not appreciated) to find your kidnapped daughters. My wife and I have similar difficulties with our own daughters -- not the kidnapped / rescued story arc, but bad attitudes and toxic / cruel / manipulative / punishing actions towards us by our girls, both for reasons they won't even talk about or bother to articulate, and for isolated incidents they have latched onto, like your inability to conjure enthusiasm on a bad day. Children often personalize incidents like that, make it all about them, and generalize it so as to throw the baby out with the bathwater. As is usual with such incidents in any relationship, the (un)stated reasons for their behavior are "safe" stand-ins for their real reasons, which are largely hidden even to themselves. It may come down to difference in personality or some such thing completely out of your control. I guess what I am saying is that you have difficult daughters and not nearly as much of that is your "fault" as you are taking on. And what portion is your "fault" is kind of irrelevant at this point. My guess is that you have been true to the light and ability you've had at any point in your life, and have done your best. Your personal best is all that anyone can legitimately ask of you -- or me, or anyone. Given that the biological father is the blaming sort, and given human nature, your daughters have chosen to blame you and perpetuate their issues rather than to intelligently and meaningfully engage and resolve issues. It is simply a way of avoiding personal responsibility for their now-adult lives. The fact that they happen to be your daughters doesn't change that fact. As children grow up they need to accept more and more responsibility for their lives. Our daughters are now adults, and whether they realize it or not, they now need us more than we need them. We have moved on with our lives. We haven't shut them out, but we match their level of interest, commitment and investment in us. It makes us more desirable to them, and it makes us stronger (and both of our daughters are the kinds of personalities that exploit and punish the slightest weakness they sense in another). It is all about boundaries.

    You may want to pick up a book or two about how to develop healthy boundaries; we've found this helpful in our lives generally and with our children in particular. It will help you to make the decisions you need to make to improve your life. And if you have a 6 year old, there is no time to waste. It seems to me that your personal situation requires at minimum a separation to give you time to deal with your issues and renegotiate your marriage from a position of personal strength. I say that with full knowledge that it's easier said than done. You will have to fall on the tender mercies of the state, likely, to get by. Your husband will likely be obligated either morally or legally to support you and your son and may not do that. But you can't be lulled into inaction by the "luxury" of the roof he's putting over your head. It's better to be cold and hungry than in a toxic relationship. It's better to be alone than to be lonely in a toxic relationship. It's better to deal with personal insecurity that has concrete sources like "where is my next meal coming from" than to be assaulted day and night for no real purpose, for just being who you are.

    Finally, I don't know to what extent religious ideation is in the mix, but it sounds like your daughter's biological father is some kind of fundamentalist and hiding behind fundamentalist ideations to justify his own mental cruelty and smallness. To whatever extent you still personally think that god is some judge in the sky threatening you with eternal hellfire, you need to get as far away from the dysfunctional and evil thinking as you possibly can. That is a god not worth worshipping or interacting with and the stunted excuses for humans who cower at his feet are not worthy of you either.

    The best thing you can do for all your children and for yourself (and even for your husband!) is to get on with your life and personal growth and become strong and be your own person. Whatever it takes, that's Job One.

    My $0.02 for what it's worth.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If your husband is abusive towards you then there is a place to call to take you and your son and keep you both safe it is a womens shelter. There they will protect you both and give you the means to be independant of him.
     
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