Bad Obsession

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by GreyCat, Dec 16, 2012.

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  1. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    When I was a teenager, years ago, something really nasty happened to me, publicly, and instead of being helped afterwards I was blamed and bullied for it til I left the town I lived in and never went back.

    When I returned to my home country after long years of never letting myself think of what happened I started getting powerful flashbacks to the incident, which recurred and recurred in my head in vivid horrible detail (I think this is PTSD), and forced me to start taking antidepressants again, and I've been on them for 3 years now, because I still cannot bear to speak to a counsellor about the incident, at the time I never even spoke to one person about it, I couldn't face it, and everyone blamed me and some people bullied me.

    Lately I did something stupid, I googled the guy who did this thing to me and I find he is making a name for himself in a certain career, and it's really really fucking with my head that he could be having great success in life when he is such a disgusting and bad person.

    I really need help, I need to not care about him, I know I cannot change what happened, I am still carrying the burden he put on me and I am so frustrated with myself for feeling this way. I really don't want him to be successful, I wish him the very worst to be honest but I know I have to let all of this go because it only hurts me. It doesn't affect him at all. I have never talked to anyone about this. I feel too ashamed for letting what happened happen, in my head I know it was his fault but I still can't stand the fact that this horrible thing happened to me and ruined all my self confidence forever. That's the most I ever said about this, if I talk about it its real, and all I ever wanted to do was never talk about it or think about it but its messing with my head and I need to. I really strongly don't want to. I have to try though, it is eating me up inside.
  2. Vorlianis

    Vorlianis New Member

    What would you think about making contact with him to talk it out?

    I think it's going to keep haunting you as you'll just try to push it away.
  3. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    No, I couldn't bear it. I confronted him about it after it happened and he was completely unapologetic, he is not right in the head, and I did not make the right decisions at the time because I should have pressed charges against him then. I was only 15 though and I did not know how to handle the situation, and nobody stepped in to help me, and anybody who would have helped me did not know about what happened. You are right about it hauntng me though, I feel so bitter that it is still hurting me so badly after all this time.
  4. Vorlianis

    Vorlianis New Member

    Well a lot of teenagers do screwed up things like that, people change as they grow up.
    I can't guarantee that he actually became less of an ass but a lot of teenagers do things they regret later.
  5. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    Yeah I know people change, but its not really about him, its about me really. The problem for me is that I am still thinking about it, and I want to find a way to get it out of my head. I don't want to hate him because it isn't good for me.

    I appreciate the feedback, it has been helpful. It is the only feedback I have ever had about this subject, besides being bullied and intimidated and called horrible names. So thank you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2012
  6. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're having trouble with this.
    I think if it's something from awhile ago, and you've not talked to anyone about it, you might perhaps want to reconsider trying to have a talk. It really does help in the end, though it is tough to brouch, let alone face something that causes you such deep feelings. It is nice when you can find someone you feel comfortable with, it'll let you approach the situation as slowly as needed. If that person you are talking with can help keep things leveled for you as your sharing, you can start to develop ways of calming how you feel about it. And most importantly be able to see things a bit more clearer and honestly, as opposed to the things other people have put you through.
    Not matter what it is, it is something you can overcome :) Talking about it will really help.. puts things into the right places and soon you'll be able to push the bullcrap aside.

    I wouldn't contact him or really look into his life. In my opinon it's not what you need to know. It's not about him now, it's about you feel now, and what's happened to you at that time and since. I wouldn't cloud your situation with the irrelevance that is this persons life. And .. yeah. As much as I understand where Vorlianis is saying, I would not face someone until you are grounded for yourself. :)
    Don't forget anything can be overcome, even the things in life that feel like they are impossible. Have a think about talking to someone. It's a decent start to helping yourself overcome this.
    Hope you're feeling better
  7. Powerpuff

    Powerpuff Active Member

    I agree with SBlake, meeting him probably wouldn't be for the best. As you said above, it is about you and not him. You have to find the path that leads you away from him and the incident. Finding him and knowing how he is doing in life will do no good for you. I am not saying to forget and forgive, you will never forget what happened to you, like I will never forget what happened to me what I have tried to manage my demons and continue life.

    I always feared what would happen if I ever met up with my attackers, like you I feared that they would be living a high life, free of worries while I have nightmares. I don't want to know about them, I try my best not to think of them as I said I have nightmares but they won't take away my life, I will live despite what they done, you must try too.

    I'm sorry
  8. GreyCat

    GreyCat Well-Known Member

    I really appreciate your feedback, and I think you are both right. It has really been a help even to say this on the forum, its such a long time ago but I was so traumatised by it. I don't really know how long it will take me to discuss this with a therapist, I have known for a long long time its what I should do but there is still a strong part of me that does not want to accept the event, and maybe getting therapy is accepting it happened, I wonder if that makes sense but it is how I feel. Obviously I know it happened but I still don't seem to accept it.

    Anyway I appreciate the advice, its been more help than you know. Hope you are all ok.
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