Bad start toi the end of the year

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Songstress, Dec 31, 2013.

  1. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    This morning I was left out of the family breakfast. I was the last one up so it should have been okay, but since I woke up just as they were all eating I happened to get to notice that everyone was having eggs and sausage and there was literally no sausage left even for me to cook. It shouldn't have bothered me. But it did. It hurts like fucking hell that they always do this. I'm always the one left out. I'm the unimportant one.

    And then when I was taking my prescriptions those thoughts came again in new ways. I'm tired of those thoughts. And thankfully I don't have anything that would work the way those thoughts want it to right now anyway, not that I would let them win. I may be tired of this shit but I'm going to get a break from it in April, maybe sooner too.

    I just don't want next year to begin the way this year is ending. And at least I'm not going to being next year alone like I did this year. But I still just feel like the one that doesn't matter. I just want to be okay. I"m tired of bad days. I'm tired of not wanting the morning to come. I want to feel normal and not like I should never have even been born.
  2. freija

    freija New Member

    You do matter. I'm just going to say that straight out, because you need to hear it and because it is true. If you want to pm me any time, I'm always around to talk - the way you feel and the scene in the kitchen sound strikingly familiar, so maybe I can empathise with some of what you are going through.

    I know that it's exhausting when you're fighting the people around you as much as your own mind, just for some kind of validation. But you say yourself that there are things that could make next year better, things to hold on to for this last bit until they actually start to happen. Also, it might or might not help, but something I've told myself in the past is that if I'm made to feel I don't matter, I can change that - I can find other people who see the value in me, can see what I have to offer, and want to take it. I can find people and spaces in which I am allowed to reach out, and to be the important, special, valuable human being I am. Just because I'm around people right now who can't do those things, who can't reach back when I reach out to them, doesn't mean that has to be my world and it certainly doesn't mean that's how I have to see myself.
  3. Songstress

    Songstress Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I know my response it late, but it's actually because I don't check in on this site as often as I should, usually just when I need to let out something and either the one person I can turn to isn't around or it's something I feel like I can't talk to him about.

    I feel like I have been fighting all my life to find somewhere I belong, and when I did find a place I belonged everything fell apart because of finances and I had to move back in to a place I don't feel welcome.

    So when I'm really down I go places online where I can feel safe, feel welcome, and feel comforted. I won't let those thoughts win and take me. I want to live, and I know that someday my fiance and I are going to be able to afford to get married and then I won't have to feel so alone.