Ok, so life started getting really good. I honestly thought I was doing fine, but the worse thing ever happened. Last night I got very, very drunk . . . the usual, I was very close to alcohol poisoning and although I felt sick I was numb and therefore kind of happy. Anyway I got in my car and drove to the store, because Im an idiot. Then I got home a drank alot more, I thought my friends were sleeping. They were mad at me for driving again, so I was in my room, ignoring them. I have been saving these pills from when I got very sick, they are my security. I guess I had them out and was going to take them (I honestly do not remember tany of this) and my friend walked in and freaked out. He went ballistic. Anyway, I kept denying that I was suicidal, which I think made it worse. Somehow he brought up me not eating and then throwing up anything I do eat, I don't understand how he knew about that. I really dont need much food. They are all worried now, and I dont want them to be. I dont like hurting them, as they are the only people (along wiht my sister) who don't have a some sort of conditional love for me, they really do love me. I feel like this is something I have to do, but I can't imagine causing them pain. I need to plan a way to detatch them from me. I can't let them hurt. I just want to get out of this situation, I need my great escape. I can't have people knowing about this. I am not supposed to be like this. They say I am in denial and they want me to get help, but Ii don't see why. I know what I need. Ii just can't believe they know about me, who I really am. I have been ignoring them all day, and my friend just told me he is coming over tonight and I am nervous. I dont want him to try and make me open up or anything. Right now I am at work, and I am a little drunk and high, not much, but enough to have alot of difficulty typing this, hope it makes sense. I just need to stop beinig.