Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by theaterfreak, Mar 31, 2011.
lets make a list
bleeding on all your clothes
feeling isolated bc you have to cover them all the time.
people asking you why you wear long sleeve shirts in the summer.
you have to buy expensive oils to make them fade
they constantly remind you that you feel like shit
Not being able to get comfy enough to sleep,
the hours wasted each day,
the horror when someone sees it.
Paranoia that someone may see it
The awful feeling you get when you see you've relapsed
Trying to invent a plausible lie when someone asks you "Where did you get those scars?"
Family seeing fresh cuts on you when they were sure you were all better.
Knowing that the relief is temporary but the scars are permanent.
I went to the doctor last week and he was having trouble drawing blood from my good arm so he asked to see the other. He took a look and said it was too scarred to get a vein.
The guilt when you realise you have done it again.
The pain you cause the people you love when they realise you have done it again.
How it is never enough.
They way people think you are crazy when they find out.
Knowing that you did it and yet you're still just as upset as before. Maybe even more.
Having to get undressed in ridiculous manners just so you dont catch and bust open a fresh cut or do something stupid to a burn...
The self loathing and self hatred, with the compulsive need to do it again even though you know it won't help.
knowing its wrong and still wanting to do it..
Having to lie to my nearest and dearest about how my cuts/scars got there.
Being in a social situation and having to make any excuse to get away from it because you know you wont survive it if you don't run away and cut...
when you're in the shower and forget about the fresh cuts for a bit and scrub over them with a flannel or something and it stings like hell
when, even if they're old scars, they itch and you're always scratching and people ask if you have a rash or gnat bite
when you're alone so you're not covering your scars up and someone walks in, you quickly move into a certain position or put your jacket back on so they won't see and they look at you weirdly
when you're obviously boiling hot and people tell you to just take your jacket off and you have to quickly think of an excuse, like having an embarrassing stain on your shirt
when the slightest thing makes you want to cut again and again and again
when blood is not an issue to you, you can see it 24/7 and not be worried
when you're constantly searching for something that would be sharp enough to do some damage so you can just keep it to hand 'just in case'
when you forget some of the hiding places for your blades and someone finds one in an odd place and you have to think of a reason why or pretend you know nothing about it
when every day is a constant cycle of
"i want to cut"
"but i can't!"
"just a few won't matter"
"no i can't!"
"oh crap i cut so bad!"
"ok, i'm alright now"
... "ahh i want to cut again!"
i can relate to so many of these....
having to lie to friends/family
leaving early on a night out with friends so i can go home and cut
THAT ONE. Happens all the time because the lock on my bedroom door sometimes fails and it's an "Oh s**t" moment. -__-
Accidentally forgetting to clean up, or cleaning up and forgetting one little thing, and right when someone walks in or something like that, you notice, so you have to scramble to clean it up without them thinking it's weird. (Sort of like, I left my razor on my nightstand overnight because I was just too tired to put everything away, and then in the morning, my mom came into my room so I had to grab it and hide it under my pillow).
Being Insulted for doing It.Which literally ''adds insult to Injury.''
every scar is a reminder of bad times, bringing you down again.
Every scar is a memory of past times; off all the hate and self destuction. of the weakness and lack of self control.
Each scar sets off a frenzy in your mind; making you want to make it bigger and better; wanted to mutilate your skin so badly.