I'm having some very bad thoughts about using my preferred (definite) method. I don't exactly know why I'm writing this. I mean, I might as well just go do it. I'm a hypocrite. I was talking to a friend yesterday (Xmas) until they fell asleep because they wanted to self harm but somehwere today I lost myself and I ended up having done exactly that. I guess I deserve it though. I'm a failure. I've been blessed with a good education, for which I worked hard, and I am now 33 and still not using it. I see the people I know (I only know people online, having lost my other friends after my divorce) struggling with depression of their own and managing more than I do. I'm surprised that they aren't all sick of me by now. I live off the state and other people's taxes, and I don't deserve it. My mother called yesterday just because it was Christmas but she had to make it quick because my brother was coming round. Neither of them really want to speak to me because I'm a plague on their lives. I'm a reminder of everything they want to forget. I was physically sick because I played along, listened, barely said a word about myself, and so again, I am a complete hypocrite, either that or a coward. My father's family don't acknowledge me, because I am such a failure. I'm sure if he were here then he would be ashamed of me. I don't have much hope for the next year. I don't see the point in my being here, constantly seeking support, failing, using up people's time and resources. I'll likely lose my disability anyway in the next 6 months, and what little I have will be gone. Why go through that when I have such a definite and absolute solution? One less person on this planet won't hurt anyone. I feel like more of a coward every time I think about this and don't follow through.