Bad thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HawkHood, Dec 26, 2014.

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  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I'm having some very bad thoughts about using my preferred (definite) method. I don't exactly know why I'm writing this. I mean, I might as well just go do it.

    I'm a hypocrite. I was talking to a friend yesterday (Xmas) until they fell asleep because they wanted to self harm but somehwere today I lost myself and I ended up having done exactly that. I guess I deserve it though.

    I'm a failure. I've been blessed with a good education, for which I worked hard, and I am now 33 and still not using it. I see the people I know (I only know people online, having lost my other friends after my divorce) struggling with depression of their own and managing more than I do. I'm surprised that they aren't all sick of me by now. I live off the state and other people's taxes, and I don't deserve it.

    My mother called yesterday just because it was Christmas but she had to make it quick because my brother was coming round. Neither of them really want to speak to me because I'm a plague on their lives. I'm a reminder of everything they want to forget. I was physically sick because I played along, listened, barely said a word about myself, and so again, I am a complete hypocrite, either that or a coward.

    My father's family don't acknowledge me, because I am such a failure. I'm sure if he were here then he would be ashamed of me.

    I don't have much hope for the next year. I don't see the point in my being here, constantly seeking support, failing, using up people's time and resources. I'll likely lose my disability anyway in the next 6 months, and what little I have will be gone. Why go through that when I have such a definite and absolute solution? One less person on this planet won't hurt anyone. I feel like more of a coward every time I think about this and don't follow through.
  2. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    First of all let me apologize for moaning about my parents being passed on. You have them and they treat you like crap. Yes, that is what they are doing, you''ve done nothing to deserve this nor do you deserve to die.

    You speak of taking up people's energy and time. Well, thats what this place is here for - peer to peer support. I've been in chat with you many times and you are definitely not an energy vampire.

    I understand that they are disability cuts in the UK - but you don't know for sure that it will happen to you.

    I think you are a wonderful person whom I've always enjoyed chatting with and I think you deserve to be happy.

    Have you a therapist or a doc to help?

    I know mine help me tremendously, but I do know the UK system is very different,

    Big hugs of encouragement,
  3. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    Please don't apologise. My father passed away unexpectedly and suddenly just before my first wife left me so although his family are still here, I don't have him. I am torn between the idea that I don't think he would want the divide that is present, and that he might be horribly ashamed of my position. I feel like a horrible human being for questioning why it was him when he was the best of all the family that I have.

    I know that I am a plague on my mother's family. My brother may even be married to his partner, Andrew, now for all I know and yet he spends so much time with my mother that she still maintains his room at her house. They have been much happier since I left home and stopped reminding them of our past. I have tried very hard to forgive my mother because I know how ill she was at the time but that is an effort. She is very keen to jump on the idea that there is something wrong with me and that somebody needs to "fix" me. She calls out of obligation. I haven't found that strength of forgiveness towards my brother.

    I do feel cowardly. The people I know online achieve more than I am doing, without the blessings that I have. It feels cowardly.

    After the call from my mother at Christmas I was physically sick and some things that she said also seemed to result in a time where someone else was here and I self-harmed for the first time in a long while.

    I have a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) but he's been very bad about keeping appointments this year. We have some scheduled weekly from 7th Jan until then end of the month and I'm hoping to get into EMDR therapy. My GP is away over the holidays and they have to co-ordinate even the referral. CPNs don't offer therapy -- they just co-ordinate it. I might be moved to a a team on the other side of the city though, and everything is a "maybe" right now. I don't have any therapy at the moment.

    Thank you for your kind words -- I do appreciate them.
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