I'm pretty concerned about myself lately. I've been in and out of depression for maybe 8 or 9 years. Whats bothering me is my low points are getting worse and worse. I've always been an avid gamer and for a while I've been researching a new desktop computer. Anymore I have no desire for it. For about 10 years I've kept a diary. I've been in the Army for almost 5 years and halfway through my last deployment I slowed and have basically stopped using it. I dont even write down important stuff that happens anymore and I know one day I'm gonna wanna remember it. My job keeps getting worse and worse. I got promoted involuntarily a couple months ago and we kept losing leaders so now its me with 14 guys under me, half of them inexperienced and in need of constant attention. I can't mope around and work less because people depend on me. I'm stationed in Europe, so you'd think I'd be able to travel all over. The army's full of bullshit though and I keep getting tasked out on weekends or my passes get denied because they dont want the hassle if anything goes wrong when you leave. I'm working at least 3/4 days this memorial day weekend. I put in a pass to go to Normandy this next weekend for the D-day anniversary but it will likely get denied. The next 2 weekends I have 24 hour duty stints. I'm pissed and depressed about not getting to see Europe as much while I'm here. I had planned on going the U.K. this weekend before. I got accepted to a pretty awesome school and its main campus recently for the fall semester but I dont get out of the Army til November. I applied for whats called a school drop well over a month ago to get out in time to make it to school. My job is so unbearable lately that I dont think i can make it to November if my school drop gets denied in addition to the anguish of having to cancel my admission. I already feel like I've wasted the 6 years of my life since I graduated. I've got a couple gray hairs on my fucking head somehow (happens to a lot of soldiers). At the moment I'm refusing to believe that my paperwork get denied but if they were smart they'd deny it because t hey really need me here. Paperwork like that is rediculously slow goign up the chain of command and getting signed so it may still be a while. As far as my job its only going to keep getting worse into this fall and I really don't want to be around for it. The positive stuff like getting accepted to the school and getting back from Iraq only seem to provide temporary relief. I have always called my mom once a week but i havent talked to her since mother's day and I can't bring myself to write e-mails back. I've never talked to anyone offline about my depression and I've always done a great job at covering it up (nobody finds depression very attractive) but more and more lately people have been asking me if I'm alright. A strange side effect I've noticed I've gradually lost my fears of most stuff. Everyone thinks I have the biggest balls when it comes to chicks and everything but the truth is I'm an epic failure in that area too. My eating habits are going to shit. I often choose to sleep instead of eat at meal times. I'm losing weight when I'd like to gain. I feel like I dont have any friends back in my hometown anymore. I'm way behind in music and movies, things that i used to keep up on... I had to stop hanging out with a bunch of my army buddies because they work for me now. Most of the guys are either too reclusive or the type of person you go out with and have to carry home or keep from fighting when they get wasted. Its impossible to have a relationship while in the Army even if you didn't move all over and go to the field for 30 days at time and go to Iraq or Afghanistan every other year almost plus people around military posts don't like soldiers and in Europe its a lot worse. I dont think I could handle something else getting put on my plate right now and i'm really starting to doubt I'm gonna be alright even if everything went the way I hoped. What I really want is solutions to some of my problems but I don't have control over much of it and my few options would most likely make worse problems. I think knowledge of how upset my mom would be is about all that keeps me going. I normally write better and more logically but I know if I take my time making this better to read I'd omit stuff or stop all together like i've done before.