Badly in need of support. Have no one.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Outofideas16, Aug 3, 2016.

  1. Outofideas16

    Outofideas16 New Member

    Hey everyone,

    Not sure how this works but I just googled suicide support groups. Anyway, I am not feeling so well to put it lightly. Thinking about death every day. Recently moved to a new country with my wife. Couldnt find a job for a while. We were hungry and broke and alone. When I finally did get a job after about ten months something in my wife snapped. She lost contact with reality and started seeing things, hearing voices. Been trying to get help for her for 2 months now, but we keep getting referred and referred. I'm at a job that has me down because it's hard work that I don't like. I'm 24 years old, grew up in a very religious environment and never had the room to develop myself or my ideas or dreams. I studied the first thing I was okay at and dont even have a job in that field. Remotely. I feel like I lost all of my dreams before even being able to pursue them in the tiniest of ways. Now I feel like I lost my best friend too. When everything sucked before my wife was there through it with me. Now it feels like shes never quite here. Never really present.

    My dad has always been absent even though he's never left, you know the old story. My mom is a covert narcissist. We live in the same country but I cant confide in them because my wife already feels watched and embarrassed. I also cant confide in them because when I told them I was suicidal at age 12 (having moved to a foreign country and being so utterly alone) they told me it could not be that serious and sent me to boarding school to "fix" the problem. They just generally ignore bad things or try to fix them like that.

    I am so exhausted from working all week and coming home to my wife staring out the window and periodically not making any sense whatsoever. My future doesnt seem like it will improve. The only thing that makes me feel anything (nowhere near positive but more positive than anything else) is imagining suicide or leaving my wife, cheating on her, leaving everything behind and becoming homeless instead. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm broke and tired. Yup.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey my friend, maybe you could share which country your living in and those that live there could help getting you a place to help your wife. I'm so sorry you're having so many problems, especially being in a new country, I'm sure it's very difficult. I'm wondering too, has your wife any history of this malady, I'd think the first thing to do would to have her checked medically to see there are no physical problems causing the hallucinations. If you were in Canada or the US I'd say get her to ER and have her checked.
  3. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Outofideas16 and welcome to SF. Good that google sent you in our direction. As Brian mentions, it would help to know what country you are in before trying to offer anything that may be of use.

    Being a carer, as you are for your wife, is damned hard work, just ask my partner and carer, she will tell you. But who cares for the carer? If you burn yourself out, then who cares for you and your wife? Right now, I think you have to be concerned about you and get yourself looked at. Once you are recovering, then you can begin to look at helping your wife. Thats just my opinion, it could be wrong.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi, I am Mox, nice to meet you

    Could your wife's family help? Is there any history of this type of behavior in her family? Are they close by? Do you have any siblings you could turn to for help?

    Your doing a hell of a job working full time and taking care of your wife that you clearly love. It is very sad what both of you are going through. But I am sure working together we will come up with something to help you. What is your field of study by the way?

    Take Care of Yourself and your Beautiful Wife
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are among friends who understand and care for the hurt you are feeling. From your posting, you deeply care about your wife as well as suffering yourself. The care you show is tremendous and it shows that your deeply care. You are suffering at the same time but we can help you as well.

    If you did anything, then think the impact it would have on your wife. You know deep down you want help your wife. Fine you come from a religious background but that something parents asked to follow and as you have grown older you have a developed a deep sense of feeling.

    When your go to work is your cared by someone as she needs your support. You wife will get help but it's going to take time. Perhaps if develop a simple program /timetable for yourself and wife where you do daily shores it might help in her recovery. I know you are mentally as well as physically exhausted after work, but if went for a walk with your wife. It would break up the way she is currently feeling which is no doubt having a impact on your relationship.

    No doubt life is like chucking 100 balls in the air at the same time and your are trying to catch them at the same time. It's hard but you can only do what you. I strongly you get medical help for both of you as it will help.

    If I have caused any upset or offended by this post, please accept my apologies.

    Keep posting as you know we care about you and your wife. Take care my friend.
  6. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. It can be really difficult to move somewhere new, with all adjustments having to be made and whatnot. In regards to your wife, I think you should definitely not give up on her. Hopefully all of the referrals will eventually lead somewhere and she can get the help she needs. If it were you going through the difficult time mentally, surely you'd want her to stand by you through that as well. It's awesome that you keep trying to find her help, just keep at it and hopefully it will come soon.

    I'm also sorry that your parents aren't very supportive. Thankfully, friends can be just as reliable as family at times. Maybe you have friends there you can rely on, and even if not, you have people on a forum like this to support you, and that has to count for something. I'd say to just weather the storm, and things should improve in time. Sometimes it just takes one good day for everything to turn around.
    SinisterKid likes this.
  7. Outofideas16

    Outofideas16 New Member

    Hi everyone,

    Thank you for your warm welcome and your very genuine attempts to help. I see it and I appreciate it.

    My first post might have been a little confusing, here's some things to clear it up: I moved back to the country I was born in, but had never lived here for longer than 3 years. My parents were Christian missionaries so I got dragged around the globe. Always was the odd one out, always watched, whether by parents or people in the Christian community making sure you're acting right. So you're sort of like a walking human billboard. I can't explain how shitty and limiting this is. I always think of the analogy of being a carry-on bag. Sitting around until you're paid attention to when going to the next place. I sat at home a lot and never was able to think for myself or think about what I wanted for me, what I was interested in. We also lived in dangerous countries so I couldn't just run away or do anything impulsive.

    Anyway, the country is new for my wife because I went to college somewhere else and met her. Studied art, which I do genuinely like! But my first and biggest passion by far is music. I hope you don't mind me blabbing on, it's making me feel a little better. I never got any practice in that either although I had some piano lessons around age 8 and the teacher said I was very talented. I know that sounds stupid but it's something I hold on to when I dream about what could be. I would like to be able to play an instrument, write and perform songs, and record an album. It's not even about the performance (that part scares me) but I would love to put together a cohesive album/mixtape. When I didn't have anything else during my teenage years I had music to turn to on the internet: I could understand and get hope from/advice from people I had never met. Feel their deepest emotions. Music's cool.

    We have an appointment set for my wife this next Tuesday. I'm nervous about it because I genuinely don't know what to do if it doesn't turn out well. We've been going from therapist to therapist for two months (they don't just give you medication here but you have to go through a shit ton of hoops), and my wife resents me for making her do this. We've talked about how she still has a lot of childhood issues to work through, that's how I convince her to keep going, but she changes her mind back just as quickly and distrusts me.

    We don't have any friends here. I don't know my family well, since I always lived abroad. I can't really talk to my friends that I went to college with because they are mutual friends with my wife. If she finds out I wrote to them about her she will feel betrayed, embarrassed, and will definitely not go to therapy/resent me more.

    At this point I am surprised every evening when I go to bed--the fact that I made it through another day is a serious surprise. I feel numb from acting fine around my wife and happy at work (wife copes by acting like everything is peachy/genuinely believing this in her head). Three weeks ago I told myself I had two weeks to live. I don't have a grain of energy in me, and my hope is even lower. I'm not sure what to say.
  8. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hi Me Again =)

    Sorry about the delay , I must have missed the alert to the story change.

    So how is your wife doing now? Maybe your wife could join us and we could help her separately?

    How are you holding up? I know you have a lot on your plate.

    In the country you are in, do you qualify for any kind of social services for your family?

    It sounds you are one very talented individual ; I hate that you are not able to pursue your passion.

    Has your situation changed at all? Are you able to apply for other work that you may enjoy more?

    Feel free to PM/IM me anytime if you want to chat or whatever

    Take Care of Yourself and your Beautiful Wife

  9. Hey it seems ou and her are both going through the same thing, she's just not taking it well (your wife) feels like you're leaving out details though.

    What do you think drove her to do those things? All I can say is be lucky that she is still sticking with you because through times like that woke woman would have left you on your lonesome. We practically have the same life besides the moving out of country thing. Are you saying you went to college then graduated and didn't get w job still? If so unfortunately do to the change of times that's not going to work. What are some of your relents, hobbies, I reccomend asking your wife questions about her mental health , like actually sit and discuss that despite the outter world problems. That would help her a lot.
  10. Agirlwhosad

    Agirlwhosad Member

    Hey I am also in a different country. And having extreme thoughts and feelings of suicide. Only I am alone. My husband and sons are back in the U.S. where I am from and grew up in. Only I have no idea when I will see them again If ever...or any of my family for that matter.
    I was born in a diff country and went to the states as a child I lived there illegally for most of my life. Eventually i got a green card through my parents marriage when i was still underage. A few years down the road i got married myself my husband is an amazing man an American and we have two little guys. To make a long story short. Back in 08 I got caught with .7grams yes less then one gram of marijuana. That one minor charge has had giant implications in my life. I am now stuck outside of the U.S. because that marijuana charge affected my status as I was still only a resident applying for my citizenship. Back at the end of last yr I left the country to go to a wedding and on the way back home they would not allow me back in. Now I have to wait out this immigration process alone. In a country where I dont speak the language thousand of miles away from anyone I have ever loved. I have two little children I am missing out on their whole lives because of a mistake I made so many years ago. Nonetheless it is all my fault and everyone I love is suffering for it. I'm sorry I just told u my huge story my point is at least you two have each other. When you are feeling really desperate go over to your wife and just touch her hand. Smell her hair. Feel her warmth. I go days without any human contact. Today a little old lady in the lobby touched my arm and I started to tear up because I miss my grandma so much. You seem like a good person who is full of life and just going through a really super hard time. Be strong friend.
    Deety and moxman like this.
  11. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Hi Outofideas,
    I hope the appointment for your wife was helpful. Let us know how you both are. Wishing you both all the best, take care.
    Agirlwhosad likes this.