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Balancing life with suicidal thoughts

Arun

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi friends, I don't know if this will make much sense as I'm thinking it through while typing.

The last month has hit me with a lot of shit and it seems to be catching up with me. My head is just not dealing and causing me to feel suicidal. I'm experiencing this really weird dichotomy / balance though. I have ZERO intent to actually kill myself but I have been having intrusive thoughts and images (see other post in suicidal thoughts forum). I'm also not functioning to the best of my ability - I can't multitask at work, focus and drive is gone, I'm often lying on the floor in between work meeting (Yay working from home).

I am taking meds, I have booked in to see my therapist on the weekend. But here is my question : how do I keep going forward at work while still having these thoughts? What do you do to keep going in daily life? I'm after concrete things like taking breaks or self-talk phrases or something.

Thank you friends
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
Oh, yeah, this is basically me for the past few months. I'm not doing great at work, but I'm managing to eke by. One thing that helps me is knowing what times of day I have an easier time focusing and aiming to get a little work done then. It's also *super* important for me to have small, attainable goals. This is one I'm constantly working on for a lot of various brain reasons. But in this state it's easy for me to get overwhelmed by anything that seems at all complicated, so I work best if I have super simple things I can check off. And yes, breaks! Another one I'm bad at. I do a lot of like, working-not really working for long stretches rather than doing focused work and taking breaks. The pomodoro method is a good one.
 

Arun

Well-Known Member
#3
Do you use an app or anything for pomodoro? From tomorrow I think I will try to make tiny goals for myself and write them down. Other colleagues have mentioned doing that but it's felt too overwhelming. I'll give it a try though.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#8
I made a covenant with myself not to end my life. I envision ending my life, I would really like to buy the thing I need to end my life, but I refuse to give in to that urge. I simply will not do it. I am 52 years old and I know my life will end soon enough and I will be free from the pain of not being good enough, criticism, pressure at work, relationship problems, etc.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
I made a covenant with myself not to end my life. I envision ending my life, I would really like to buy the thing I need to end my life, but I refuse to give in to that urge. I simply will not do it. I am 52 years old and I know my life will end soon enough and I will be free from the pain of not being good enough, criticism, pressure at work, relationship problems, etc.
*hug
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#11
I still get really vivid suicidal thoughts several times a day although I have no intention of following them through. I think maybe they've just been there for so long, it's almost become a habit, it's just how my mind works. Sometimes they're just fleeting images and thoughts, sometimes they can linger for longer and try to ruin my day.

To stop myself from ruminating on them I find guided meditations help. They don't have to be long, five minutes is often enough to turn my brain around and get it going in a different direction. I've got an app on my phone with thousands of them - you just set the length and it will give you several choices to choose from. Then I just plug in my headphones and away I go. I was pretty sceptical when my CPN suggested it but it's ended up being the best tactic I've found for me yet.
 

Wispiwill

Well-Known Member
#12
If I can focus on something - anything - it helps stops the thoughts (for a while anyway). But I have to be single-mindedly focused on it and I can't do that all day. Not sure if that helps you or not but it's what I do.
 

Nick the Fantastical Duck

☆☆Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#13
The last month has hit me with a lot of shit and it seems to be catching up with me. My head is just not dealing and causing me to feel suicidal. I'm experiencing this really weird dichotomy / balance though. I have ZERO intent to actually kill myself but I have been having intrusive thoughts and images (see other post in suicidal thoughts forum). I'm also not functioning to the best of my ability
I can really relate to this. I find myself in a similar place. With no intent to DO anything, but the thoughts are louder. For me distraction works to some extent. Play a game, find a project, text someone and that works when I can do that. While I'm working I set goals. I need to do X and Y those need to be done by 10 am. It's semi effective. I also have my hobby to turn to while I'm not working, which I enjoy a lot, and I do at times need a kick to go get started but once I do I feel better.

I don't really have the answer here, but I mostly want you to know that I get it and I'm right here with you.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#14
To stop myself from ruminating on them I find guided meditations help. They don't have to be long, five minutes is often enough to turn my brain around and get it going in a different direction. I've got an app on my phone with thousands of them - you just set the length and it will give you several choices to choose from. Then I just plug in my headphones and away I go. I was pretty sceptical when my CPN suggested it but it's ended up being the best tactic I've found for me yet.
I am intersted in this guided meditation. WHat is the name of the APP you use?
 

Sunspots

★☆ Braced for impact ☆★
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#15
I am intersted in this guided meditation. WHat is the name of the APP you use?
I use two - Guided Journey Meditation and the other is Insight Timer - find the first one better for me. Both on Google Play Store, not sure about Apple Store as I don't have an iPhone.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#17
I still get really vivid suicidal thoughts several times a day although I have no intention of following them through. I think maybe they've just been there for so long, it's almost become a habit, it's just how my mind works. Sometimes they're just fleeting images and thoughts, sometimes they can linger for longer and try to ruin my day.

To stop myself from ruminating on them I find guided meditations help. They don't have to be long, five minutes is often enough to turn my brain around and get it going in a different direction. I've got an app on my phone with thousands of them - you just set the length and it will give you several choices to choose from. Then I just plug in my headphones and away I go. I was pretty sceptical when my CPN suggested it but it's ended up being the best tactic I've found for me yet.
I was in the habit of meditating more regular for a while and it was a good habit. Lately not so much, though my therapist keeps on about it. It doesn't always help in the moment but I did one yesterday to help me get out of a spiral so I could start work and it was useful.
 

Gonz

Over Cardiac Arrest
#18
What I used to do to keep the shitty intrusive thoughts at bay was a wide and varied assortment of psychedelics. I found that, when I was high, time passed much easier and more smoothly. Like, I'd think to myself "wow, it's already the 23rd, I've barely experienced the last couple weeks at all."

And then, during those times when being high wasn't enough to keep the thoughts out, I could always curl up in bed and cry for hours on end, that often did the trick.

Now I'm on like five or six different meds all meant to control my blood pressure and heart rate, all of which have fatigue as a side effect. Add in some sedatives for the anxiety, and there's really not a time of day where I can't fall asleep if I really want to, so I like to take full advantage of that ability.

It's like the old saying goes: "If you're not awake, then you don't have to experience the fucking dumpster fire of pain and sadness that is your life, so take another nap you depressed piece of shit."
 
#19
At the moment I don’t think I am balancing the suicidal thoughts with work. I may get the very occasional 30 mins where my mind is totally focused on something work related and it is such a relief to not have these thoughts hanging over my head literally every second of every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep (if I sleep!) I’ve even sat in a classroom in front of 30 students planning my death. Scary then and scary to think I did that now. I doubt it will be any different in September when I start back in school full time. Breaks don’t help because the thoughts come in thick and fast if I stop. Meditation doesn’t really seem to work and meds are of no use either. Just have to ride through each day and hope I make it to the end.
 

jake.007

Well-Known Member
#20
i struggle with this issue of balancing day-to-day living with the knowledge that it is only a matter of time before i finally take the final step to end my life. when those thoughts began to get clearer and more firm and final for me, it completely destroyed my ability to be productive in every other aspect of my life ... after all, why bother wasting time on work, why bother paying bills, why bother meeting my commitments ... i will be gone soon enough. i have had very, very brief moments during which i have been productive, but they do not last and cannot overcome the knowledge that none of it matter anymore.
 

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