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barely hanging on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LosingMyGrip, Jun 16, 2008.

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  1. LosingMyGrip

    LosingMyGrip Member

    I'm just not sure I can make it. I'm still not able to sleep, or really eat since my stomach is upset all of the time. Also, I've started feeling all jittery or something -- like something inside is just completely restless. All I think about is how much I want to die, and the many ways of accomplishing this. My T wants me to think about the hospital, but I really don't see that helping anything, and my mother has plans for the weekend and I know she'll be pissed if she can't go because of me. Of course, I would tell her to go anyway, but she has a way of making everything about her. Listen to me....I'm in my 30s and I care what my mother thinks! (Of course, I'm unfortunately living with her right now, so that makes her opinion a bit more important.)

    I went to look at other places to live this weekend, which initially made me feel better, but when it became obvious that I can't move soon, then I felt worse. I had some job interviews, but now I haven't heard anything from them, and my job is over in 5 weeks. 10 years down the tubes. To top it all off, I think I hit a bird this morning on my way to work. The stupid thing flew right in front of my car and then in the rearview I could see it sitting on the pavement. I hope it was just dazed, I'm going to believe that it was just dazed because that was almost the last straw. On the first f*cking day I'm on time in a week.

    I dread everything -- other people that want me to act 'normal', acting 'normal' or happy even, having to move, having to be awake, not being able to sleep, TIME!!! I just want it to be over.........
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I can relate to you not sleeping. When I first became aware that I had a problem, I was going on nonsleep binges. I would stay up for like three days, I would start hallusinating. When I did sleep it would only be for a couple of hours. to date I sleep for about two hours and then I am awake like four hours. Then I would sleep another two hours. You might say I am caught up in a vicous cycle that I haven't been able to break free. My doctor gives me meds to help me sleep. All they do is help me to fall asleep but they don't keep me sleeping. The only thing I can tell you is you need to work with your doctor to get things right. If this means going in the hospital, then go. They aren't as bad as everyone makes them out to be. I have been in ten times. And I should go in now but I am to tired.
    Please don't do anything rash, talk to us. We are hear for you so keep talking to us and we will see what we can come up with that will help you...:chopper:
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