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barely holding on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by xyz, Jan 6, 2010.

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  1. xyz

    xyz Member

    What's going on? In a nutshell, these waves of feelings of suicide have washed over me now for a couple weeks. I'm fighting what feels like a losing battle to hold on. I have no one I can talk to about these feelings.

    Why am I in this space now? Probably my physical illness messing with my brain. I'm disabled by a chronic, multisystem, progressive illness and feel pretty worthless. I hate my body for the betrayal (I've been sick since I was a child). My illness took a dramatic turn for the worse in June '08 and ever since, the doctors refuse to treat my illness because they claim I'm "too sick" for treatment - but how do they expect me to get better? :rolleyes: So I feel like the only way to improve my situation (and the situation of my caretakers) is to disappear & fade away into the oblivion (and relief) of death... :lone:

    Why am I here on this forum? I hope finding a place to talk about this in a safe environment will diffuse the urgent pressure on me to do myself in. And I hope to find coping skills.

    Thanks for listening...

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi XYZ and welcome...sounds like it is time to switch doctors and see what is out there for you...you have to be your own advocate, and if you cannnot, you have to find someone who can do battle for you...sorry you are feeling so awful, but glad you found us...welcome again, J
  3. xyz

    xyz Member

    I wish I could switch doctors...can't afford to, for one...and for another, my condition is so complicated it is hard to switch - most doctors are clueless. It took a very long time to get properly diagnosed (just got the right diagnosis in 2007) after countless doctors failed to put the pieces together and come up with what was really going on. So I've had years of mistreatment that is actually considered contra-indicated for what I do have, so I'm really pretty messed up. Every minute of every day is a physical struggle with exhaustion and difficulty doing things that most take for granted (like eating, sleeping, breathing, etc.) because of this illness.

    I know you are trying to offer support and I appreciate it. Sorry to dump so much at once. Thanks for listening...

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you get set up with a therapist as well someone to just talk to vent to get your emotions heard your frustrations dealt with. Having more people on your team helps. It gets a second pair of eyes and ears on how to help. I am glad your here as this place is great for support for just venting the pain away. Just a thought maybe a psychologist would be helpful
  5. xyz

    xyz Member

    I can't afford psychologists' or counselors' fees, but income is too high to qualify for public assistance. Insurance doesn't cover mental health. I'm also very afraid they'd want to put me in a mental hospital, and that would be impossible given the physical care I require and the food restrictions I have (allergies, genetic issues).
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm sorry for what you're going through. Have you tried looking online to see if there are any sites for people who have the same illness you have?

    My PM box is always open if you feel like talking.
  7. xyz

    xyz Member

    Yes, and there are, but I've got a much more complicated situation than most with this condition (there's more to it than just the one condition - there are genetic issues involved, as well as some unexplained stuff). I've never found anyone with the same set of issues I have...so it is hard to find info or support.

    Wow I feel so sick right now...
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