barely living

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Homesickalien, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. Homesickalien

    Homesickalien Member

    I'm so near the end that death is all I can think about. It's also all I ever dream of. Death bekons me like a loving home..although I have one here I don't know who the hell I am any more so couldn't feel apart of it even if I wanted to. I'm 28 years old and lie my way through life and do everythin in my weak as shit power to stay within the confines of my room.
    I have hurt my friends so much as I constantly ignore them...and they were great friends too...they just don't know what to do for me anymore and I hurt theor feelings too much.
    I wish I could eb the person they and mt parents want me to be. I had so much going for me and what do I do....strive to reach the stars and love this precious life? oh no course not...I shut myseld down and when I'm not sunk in a pit of despair then I'm teetering over the edge of the dark place, wpondering when I'll fall in again.
    I can't bear this dark...and I can't even pretend for the 10 mins when I forcemy dinner down with my Dad, that I'm ok anymore. He knows the depth of my past depressions, but has o idea I'm back there again worse than ever..he just thinks I still have slight anxiety. Truth is if it weren't for him I wouldn't eat at all. But it's getting almost impossible to force those few minutes of 'normal' behaviour now.
    I bought my 'ticket' out almost a week ago...and I carry them with me ALL the time....the thought of not having this escape scares me more than the dark itself. I don't know if I can keep trusting myself not to take them....but I dont want to keep living and hurting people too. I've suffered with this since my early teens...and theres just no fight left now
    It's so so dark here in my head...it's all I can do to stop myself from running down the road screaming
    Aimee xx
     
  2. Hey Amiee :hug:

    I know those feelings so well, you could be writing my life...

    It can be hard when you realise that you had chances and oppertunities that others didnt, coz they make you feel even worse, and those who havnt gone through what we are use them to somehow 'cheer us up' or even worse attack us.

    Im here if you want to talk, and I hope that your escape route is never taken... because even though your post talks about so much darkness, the fact that you posed means that theres still a part of you strong enough to talk, strong enough to stand up for itself against itself (the hardest thing in the world, in my oppinion) and fight... your not lost... none of us on here are, we just need time patience and help...

    Try getting in contact with those friends, or atleast the one you loved the most, they WILL understand...

    -J- :hug:
     
  3. Homesickalien

    Homesickalien Member

    Thank you for your kind words and empathy..:hug:
    Yes the guilt of wasted oppurtunities is a rather hard cross to bear, especially when you were once ambitious and determined to do something good in life.
    I'm holding off on doing the dreaded as I know it will kill my mother and father also.
    I joined here a few weeks ago and have just spent the nights reading through the posts and wanting to offer support to people in utterly horrible situations but wasn't able to find the words as have been quite the zombie of late.
    I contacted a friend last week and there was a time she would get angry if I cut myself off for too long, but this time she just sounded disappointed and gutted and it broke my heart a million times over.
    But I will keep trying, thank you again.
    Hope you too are keeping well, and I have accepted your friend request, would be nice to talk to you sometime.
    Good night and God bless
    Aimxx
     
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Aimee. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much. I'll be turning 28 on saturday. Are you able to talk to your Dad about how you're feeling? He sounds like he is an understanding person. I'm here to help if you need a friend. :hug:
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Aimee...

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

    In what way did you hurt your friends? Did they forgive you?

    I agree with Dave, I think you should open up to your dad hun and tell him how you're feeling. :arms:
     
  6. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum, we all feel like you here :) Wait maybe that should be a frowny face...

    Yeh the endless faking it for the sake of others, that wears you down after a while.

    And the wasted oppurtunities - they can build up and get heavy.

    You bought your ticket outta here? If it's pills ya better watch out - the human body is very resilient and will survive even when you don't want to. It'd kinda suck to run up a big hospital bill for your parents, put them through it, and force them to take care of you in a vegative state for the rest of your days - while you're too brainfried to even recognize who's feeding you.

    Hmmm, yeh dark gloomy shit. Yes, every day, all the time. This is how I feel as well. Will it ever get better? It doesn't look like it but you've gotta take that shit one day at a time - one minute, one second. Keep on keepin on.
     
  7. Homesickalien

    Homesickalien Member

    Hi guys :hug:

    Hope you're keeping well

    Dave N..well Happy Birthday firstly...welcome to my grand old age...not that I've found much 'grand' about it :) hope you'rhaving a fantastic day.
    I would try to dscuss my feelings with my Dad, only I find it very difficult, well impossible actually, I know it would make him uncomfortable as well. He's just not ut out for talking about feelings and the like..it's was the same when I tried to help him when he quit drink a few years ago...he is just more of the mind set of 'don't dwell and just 'do'. I also am so ashamed of myself the moment I'd also become too embarrased to speak, at least nothing that would make any sense anway ;).

    Sweetheart...Thank you also, the thing with my friends is me not contacting them for a long time. When I'm in feeling this low, I just can't interact ..on any level (even email) because get very anxious and embarrased that I've become such a deperssing mongrel so I'v just shut down, to spare anyone the inevitable joylessness of my company.

    Mystero2099..Ta for welcome, n understandings.
    Yep the human body sure is a stubborn machine to shut down alrght...particularly when the minds out of service, It's almost like it knows it can't be an informed decision so goes ito fight for survival mode.
    I have attempted before around 5 years ago now...what resulted was an horrendous experience...so much so that I realised that 'way' (od'ing) simply could not be option again. I learned then it's never case of popping a bottle of whatevers in the medicine cabinet..I have, I think, the right quantity of a certain substance and another method to use in conjunction with them..to ensure that tickets a one way one. Right now I still have great intention to take them, but am just seing each day as another day delaying doing it...right now It's the only way I can manage, and control a full on anxiety attack.

    Anyway thanks for repiles all, is calming to just get some of the misery out
    Will be around for a bit yet
    Take care :hugs:
    Aimee xx
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 24, 2009
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