Barely survived.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Gingie, Nov 28, 2010.

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  1. Gingie

    Gingie Active Member

    Hey, I haven't been here in a while. I just recently survived an accidental overdose that a lot don't believe it was accidental and it is "officially" a suicide attempt. I was first in the hospital for about 2 weeks and I had to deal with a very transphobic and horrible dr. (I am a transgendered female. I am legally female and completely pass, however the dr. has to know for obvious reasons.) Anyway in the hospital I virtually got no sleep. And when I finally got out for 2 days I got no sleep at all.

    I was at school during this time and I was very frustrated that I couldn't sleep and I wasn't thinking clearly because of it. I had a lot of work to make up so I had to sleep. I ended up taking a lot of one medication (a xxxx amount which 1/10 of what I took would knock out most) and it did nothing. So then I went onto another med and another med and so on. My mom all the way back home felt something was wrong and called the school police to check up on me. I was found in my apartment in a coma state and barely alive. Luckily I did wake up when my mom drove all the way up there. I was told that I should not have survived this.

    The one pysc there seemed to be pretty transphobic as well sadly and spent no more than 5 minutes with me and called it a suicide attempt and decided when I was physically better, he was going to transfer me to a ward. To him it was basically because I'm transgendered it means it had to be a suicide attempt. >.< We got a second opinion and he spent a good hour with me and realized it was an accident and didn't think I needed to go to a ward. However, he didn't have the power in the hospital so the first pysc threw away the second opinion.

    I only spent a day in the ward and was sent home because the Dr. there felt it was an accident as well and I wasn't a threat to myself then. However, my school made it so I can not return until next semester because they need to cover their own butt. They have to consider it a suicide attempt cause they are afraid of getting sued if I "tried again." My biggest support is up there within the LGBT community there. So going home, home was not the best thing for me, but here I am at home.

    I am now going to a partial day program that they didn't think I needed because I don't have a mental illness I'm told. However, they are doing it so they can write the right letter to the school in case seeing a therapist a bit wasn't enough for them. It is alright and I'm getting a bit from it. Just not much. It is helping move past all this cause it was a VERY traumatic experience for me.

    I've lost a lot of close friends because of this. They think I tried to kill myself and most think and keep asking me if there was at least a little part of me that wanted to die when I was xxx. It makes me wonder if there was a little part of me that wanted to die since I'm asked it so much. I don't know. But I am not sure if I want to go back to school now, because I've lost so much support there right now and I'm afraid of it not being the same and me being ousted and miserable there when it was a safe space for me before. Maybe go to another school, I don't know. Just right now, that is really bothering me. I NEED their support to get past this. Especially when I get back to school it's going to trigger a lot for me and I'm going to NEED the love and support to get through it. Otherwise the stress will just build up and I'm going to go back home so I don't do something stupid again. I can't let something like this happen again.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and I am so glad you did survive...I question labeling someone who would leave you at this time a very good friends know they are most needed during difficult times...I find that I must control myself and not take on more than I can handle at times like these...plan to change schools if that is what you think is best, but make the decision when you have there a way to speak to be who care about you at school and see how available they are going to be so that you can make a better informed decision? Just a thought and again so glad you are with us...big hugs, J
  3. Gingie

    Gingie Active Member

    Thanks hun. You're right. They aren't good friends. I know this is hard for them to deal with but it's 200x harder for me to deal with and I need them. Yea, not taking more than I can handle is a good idea and something I'm trying to do. Doing that is what really got me in the mess in the first place.

    I don't know how helpful the school will be as well. I now have major trust issues with their administration. They chose protecting themselves from a lawsuit instead of my well being. Kicking me out for a bit is discrimination on someone with a mental illness. Even though I haven't been diagnosed with one, it is how they see it. Legally that would be the same thing as kicking someone out who got AIDS or the flu. It's not right and actually illegal I think.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    glad your mom was checking in on you and you survived. School cannot discriminate against someone with mental illness no way. I hope your friends start being ones and come back and support you Glad you reached out here for support too.
  5. kayako44

    kayako44 Active Member

    I lost all of my close friends after my first suicide attempt, and was sent home from school as well. I thought they were my close friends, and I'm sure that it was hard on them....I just wish that I could apologize sometimes...but they never talked to me again after that. It was really hard for a long time....It's been almost 3 years since then, and I've come a long ways.....It's hard for me to make any good friendships though, because I was so hurt after my "friends" abandoned me after I tried killing myself. I've moved on though, although I still feel the pain of losing my friends sometimes....I just have to look at the positive instead. I went back to school the following semester, and I recently graduated with my 2nd Associate's degree just this past Spring. I'm thankful for all the progress that I have made...I can't look back, I just need to continue moving forward and embracing my future, that is what counts...the past hurts, but I have learned from it, and don't want to repeat it....sorry for the rant...I haven't talked about those friends in a long's nice to get out every once in a while.
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