Despare is a terrible thing.
Wanting to die and ending your own life are two different things, if you feel so low that you just want all the pain to go away, and that feeling never really goes away, then no one has the right to tell you to stop moaning about it, even if they are just empty words, it doesnt matter, that is how you feel, and its not a nice place to be.
Is that really how you want to carry on, living your life though ? all this talk of being unlovable, things in your being out of your control, I have been there, used that excuse a lot, I'm lonely, empty and single, so I much be rubbish, otherwise I wouldn't be in this position, sounds logical.
It isn't true though, is it ? not really, it's just something you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about the crappy way your life is turning out, having been there, done that, you can't kid a kidder.
It's not to late to try and make things better, I'm giving it a go at 40, the reason I was lonely and empty, was pretty simple, I was too scared to let people into my life, for fear of being rejected and hurt again, but after a while, if you are not carefull, it becomes a trap, that you willingly built for yourself.
It's scarey, really scarey, but you can break out of the loop, slowly but sure, a single step at a time, even if its something simple, like buying flowers for the house, going out to something that you would normaly turn down, a bus trip to the coast, any thing to break the routine, it sounds silly, and its not easy, but try and let go of the past, it has after all, past, if you living the same old feeling over and over again, chances are you are doing the same old things over and over again, and thats not helping, it's just keeping you where you are, trapped with those truely terrible feelings.
The Daltons you seem to like to focus on, why is that ? is it them that are living your life, is it them that are controling you, is it them that take delight in your misery ? or is it you that lets them ? or it just easyer to blame them for everything, than to even try to anything to change the ways things are.
You have to be really carefull what you wish for, because if you are anything like me, I seem to have a knack for bring bad things down around myself, the trouble is, it took me a long long long time to realise I was at least in some way responcible for that myself, I let it carry on as long as it did, half the troubles I had, was just none sense going round in my head, even though I didn't realise it, I was keeping me in that place, in my head, it just kind of sneaks up on you, it can get better, it has for me, but when you are ready, at some point, that rubbish, thats going round and round and round in your head, at some point you are going to have to let it go, even if its justified, even if it means losing something or looking stupid, you just have to let it go.